Chasing A Ghost
by GoofyGal2008
Summary: As Meredith begins a new chapter in her life with Derek, the search for answers about her own family leads to revelations that will alter everything she thought she understood about the woman who raised her. Sequel to 'One Day Closer To You'.
1. Happily Ever After Begins

**A/N:** So, here we are…the sequel to 'One Day Closer to You', which was in itself a sequel to my first Grey's story, 'Lost & Found'. If you haven't read either of those stories, I suppose you could still jump in and follow this one fairly well, although there will be a number of references that you may not be able to understand as clearly as you would if you had the background from the first two stories.

In terms of timing, this story picks up in early November, approximately five months after the epilogue in 'One Day Closer to You'. As far as the content goes, you'll just have to read to find out, won't you? This first chapter is a bit shorter than most of the chapters will be, but I really wanted to open with this one, because if it didn't happen right at the beginning, I just wasn't going to write it...and I really wanted to write this chapter! It basically is just designed to ease us back into this little Grey's universe, reintroduce our main characters and set the scene. The main plot developments that are going to drive this story won't start until the next chapter.

And as far as updating - I'm anticipating being able to post an update about once a week. I know this is less often than I was updating 'One Day', but things in my "real" life are much busier than they were then, so I don't want to set up any unrealistic expectations.

**Disclaimer:** I claim no rights of ownership to, and derive no profit from, any of the characters in this story. If you didn't already know that…well, now you do.

* * *

"Oh God, I look like a freaking cupcake in this thing," Cristina Yang groaned as she walked into the small dressing room in the back of the church.

"You do not," Izzie Stevens insisted. "You've just got quit fiddling with it, you're messing up the skirt."

"Yeah, well, I wouldn't have to mess with it if wasn't so damn uncomfortable," Cristina complained. "Seriously, I never made you guys wear dresses like this. Why do I have to wear one?"

"Because you're the maid of honor and it would look kind of stupid if all of the bridesmaids were wearing them and you weren't," Callie Torres-O'Malley pointed out.

"You don't have to wear one," Cristina said. "How'd you manage to get out of this, anyway?"

"Um, hello?" Callie laughed, pointing to her stomach. "I'm eight months pregnant, Yang, there's no way in hell I'm fitting into one of those dresses."

"Lucky," Cristina mumbled.

"And that, my friends, is probably the only time you will ever hear Cristina Yang call a pregnant woman 'lucky'," Lexie teased as she joined them in the room. "Where's Meredith?"

"Next door with Molly," Izzie said. "She said they'd be a few minutes more."

* * *

"Alright, you've got your something blue?" Molly asked, stepping back after fastening the last button on the back of Meredith's dress.

"My garter," Meredith said.

"Something new?" Molly asked.

"The earrings," Meredith said, brushing her hair back to show Molly the elegant pearl earrings hanging from her ears. "Derek's sisters gave them to me last night."

"That's so sweet," Molly smiled approvingly. "What about something old?"

"Um…the dress, remember?" Meredith reminded her sister.

"Oh, right," Molly said. "Sorry, I forgot. I still can't believe how perfectly it fits you, Mer."

"Neither can I," Meredith said. "But I'm really glad it did…do you have any idea how hard it would be to find a dress like this today? I'd probably have to have it custom-made or something. I can't wait to see Derek's face when I walk down the aisle in it."

"He still doesn't know that you're wearing his mother's wedding dress?" Molly asked.

"As far as I know, he doesn't have a clue," Meredith said. "I've been refusing to tell him anything about the dress. The only people who've even seen it on me are you and Maggie. Derek's sisters haven't seen it, but they know I'm wearing it…I called to make sure they wouldn't mind."

"I can't believe none of them ever wanted to wear it," Molly said, shaking her head in disbelief as she readjusted the bottom of the dress.

"I think Abby did," Meredith said. "But she's too tall, so the dress didn't work on her body. Kathleen's the only one who really has the right body type for it, and she and her husband eloped."

"Well, I guess there was a reason for all of that, because you look absolutely phenomenal in that dress…it's like it was made for you or something," Molly said. "So, that's something old. Now, something borrowed?"

"I was just going to count the dress as borrowed too," Meredith said. "Maggie said I should keep it, but I think I ought to at least try to give it back to her, so that makes it borrowed, right?"

"You can't double-count things, Meredith," Molly said sternly. "You need to have four separate things."

"It's just a superstition, Molly," Meredith pointed out.

"You never know," Molly said, shaking her head in mock disapproval. "It's a good thing you have me, you know."

"Why's that?" Meredith asked.

"Because I brought you something borrowed," Molly said, turning around to retrieve a rectangular jewelry box from her bag of supplies. "Now, don't open it just yet, alright?"

"Okay," Meredith said, taking the box from Molly's outstretched hand and watching in confusion as Molly stuck her head through the door into the adjoining room.

"Hey Lexie, can you come in here for a second?" Molly asked, opening the door just enough for Lexie to slip into the room before quickly shutting it behind her.

"Oh Meredith, you look gorgeous," Lexie sighed as she caught sight of her sister in her wedding dress for the first time. "That dress…you said it was amazing, but this is just…wow…"

"Okay, now you can open it," Molly interrupted.

"Oh, is it time for the 'something borrowed'?" Lexie asked, catching sight of the box in Meredith's hands. "Well, go on, open it."

Meredith slowly cracked open the lid of the box, a gasp escaping her lips as she caught sight of the exquisite strand of antique pearls resting on the velvet lining.

"Molly, are these yours?" Meredith asked in confusion.

"Not exactly," Molly said.

"They were Mom's," Lexie piped up. "Her mother gave them to her just before her wedding."

"She wore them when she married Dad," Molly said. "Then she loaned them to me to wear when I married Eric."

"When she…when she died, she left them to both of us," Lexie explained. "I'm going to wear them when I marry Pierce…"

"…And someday, Laura will wear them when she gets married," Molly added. "Lexie and I, we just thought…well, we thought you should wear them too."

"I don't know what to say," Meredith said, a few tears trickling down her cheek. "I can't…this is your family tradition…"

"And you're a part of our family, Meredith," Lexie interrupted. "You're our sister, and we want you to wear them."

"Mom would have wanted it too," Molly said. "I know she wasn't your mom, but she cared a lot about you, Meredith, and she wanted you to feel like part of our family…she would have been so happy to see you wear them."

"Well, now you're just making me mess up my make-up," Meredith said, smiling slightly as she wiped the tears from her cheeks.

"Don't worry, I've got plenty more to touch you up," Molly laughed, reaching up to pull back Meredith's hair as Lexie removed the pearls from the box and gently hooked the clasp at the back of Meredith's neck.

"There," Lexie declared, stepping back as Molly let Meredith's hair down. "Perfect."

* * *

"I'm up next," Cristina said, turning to face Meredith as they waited at the back of the church. "You need my speech before I go?"

"What speech?" Meredith asked in confusion.

"I wrote a 'kick-Meredith's-ass-down-the-aisle' speech," Cristina said, holding up her hand so that Meredith could see the tiny words scribbled on her palm.

"In that case, no, I don't need your speech," Meredith said.

"Are you sure?" Cristina asked. "Because my speech is a hell of a lot better than the one you gave me."

"I'm sure," Meredith insisted.

"Yang, are you coming?" Mark Sloan asked impatiently as he waited near the doors.

"I still can't believe you're making me walk with McSteamy," Cristina said, glaring at Meredith.

"You're the maid of honor, he's the best man," Meredith pointed out. "It's just how it works, Cristina. Now get going, you're holding up my wedding."

"Okay, but if you change your mind, just wink at me or something," Cristina said, grabbing her bouquet from the nearby table. "I've got a car waiting just around the corner."

"Seriously?" Meredith laughed. "Get your ass down the aisle, Cristina. I swear, you are the worst maid of honor ever, you know that?"

"Whatever," Cristina scoffed, reluctantly slipping her arm through Mark's as they headed into the church.

Meredith sighed as she nervously fingered the ribbon that held her bouquet together, watching her person disappear into the church, the doors closing behind her as the music slowed to prepare for the wedding march that would play when Meredith made her entrance.

* * *

Derek Shepherd smiled in relief as he saw Meredith take her first step down the aisle. He hadn't really thought that she'd bolt, of course, not after everything they'd been through to get to this day. Still, he hadn't quite been able to breathe normally until his eyes met hers and she began slowly closing the distance between them.

Taking a moment to take in her appearance, Derek's eyes wandered over her dress, taking in the intricate crystal beadwork, the handspun Italian lace, the gently way the fabric rippled around her ankles as she walked. There was something extremely elegant, yet at the same down to earth and familiar, about the dress.

It took him a minute to place exactly why the dress looked so familiar, and even when he did, he still couldn't quite believe what he was seeing. He knew the dress, sure – there wasn't a day that he spent in his mother's house that he didn't stop at least once to look at the photograph of his parents' wedding day on the mantle in the living room. And by the way his mother's eyes were glistening with unshed tears as she watched Meredith, there was no denying that Meredith was wearing his mother's dress. Sometimes, even he was amazed by how quickly and how deeply the woman he loved had integrated herself into his tight-knit family.

Derek's smile increased as Meredith handed her bouquet to Cristina and turned to join him at the altar.

"You look beautiful," Derek whispered in her ear, squeezing her hand gently as they both faced the priest and listened as he began the ceremony.

Thirty minutes later, Derek and Meredith were both grinning broadly as the priest turned them toward their friends and family, announcing for all to hear, "Ladies and gentlemen of the congregation, I present to you Derek and Meredith Shepherd."


	2. Unanswered Questions

**A/N:** Thank you all so much for the reviews - it's good to see so many of you who enjoyed 'Lost & Found' and 'One Day' coming to this story too! And, of course, welcome to anyone who is stopping by one of my stories for the first time!

We're not wasting in time in this story...we'll be jumping right into part of the main storyline with this chapter, so enjoy!

* * *

"Good morning, Mrs. Shepherd," Derek grinned as he slipped back into their bed the next morning, handing her a cup of coffee and gently kissing her on the cheek.

"You're never going to call me Meredith again, are you?" Meredith asked, taking a sip of her coffee as she rolled her eyes at his goofy grin.

"Why should I?" Derek asked. "I love that you're Mrs. Shepherd now."

"Dr. Shepherd," Meredith corrected.

"To the rest of the world, maybe," Derek agreed. "To me, you're going to be Mrs. Shepherd…Meredith Shepherd, my wife, forever and always."

"You really are in an especially sappy mood today, aren't you?" Meredith laughed.

"It's my first day as your husband," Derek pointed out. "I'm pretty sure it's a rule that I'm allowed to be as sappy as I want to be today…_Dr._ Shepherd."

"That's better," Meredith said contentedly. "You know, it's going to get pretty confusing around the hospital now, what with two Drs. Shepherd on staff."

"I don't see why," Derek said. "They've done it before and no one seemed too bothered by it."

"Derek, Addison is an obstetrician and a neonatal surgeon," Meredith reminded him. "You could usually tell which Dr. Shepherd went with which patient just by looking at the patient. It's going to be a little different this time, having two neurosurgeons named Shepherd."

"Are you regretting your decision to change your name?" Derek asked. "I know I made a big deal about the whole Mrs. Shepherd thing, but you know I'm okay with whatever you want to do, right? You don't have to change your name."

"Derek, I'm not regretting anything," Meredith assured him. "I took your name because that's what I wanted to do. I know people will talk, they'll say I'm crazy for giving up the Grey name…"

"Who says that?" Derek asked.

"Cristina," Meredith said. "But then, she thinks it's crazy for any woman to change her name. I'll never forget the lecture she gave poor Olivia when she and another nurse asked if they should call Cristina 'Dr. Dalley' after she and Rick got married. She gave me some crap about thwarting my independence or something like that."

"Seriously?" Derek asked.

"Seriously," Meredith nodded. "And it's funny, because so far, I think Meredith Shepherd is much more independent than Meredith Grey ever was."

"How's that?" Derek asked. "You haven't left my side since we got married, you know."

"Yeah, but there's no bad history," Meredith said. "No crappy childhood associations, no bad memories…just you."

"Okay, now who's being sappy?" Derek teased, earning himself a prompt smack across the chest from his new wife.

"You should be nice to me, you know," Meredith scolded.

"And why is that?" Derek asked.

"Because," Meredith said, leaning in to kiss him softly. "We only have twenty-four more hours alone together until the fake honeymoon is over and we have to go back to work."

"Whose genius idea was it not to take the honeymoon right away?" Derek groaned.

"That would be yours," Meredith said, laughing slightly at the pained look on his face. "You said Paris would be nicer in the spring."

"It will be," Derek said. "Trust me, Paris in the winter is not all that much fun for sightseeing. It'll be much nicer when we go in May. I just think we should have been able to convince the Chief to give us more than two days off…you know, as a wedding present or something?"

"Right, because I have so much paid time off accumulated?" Meredith laughed. "Derek, you realize that the only reason I'm even able to get two weeks in May is because Richard turns a blind eye to my actual leave balance, right? Because right now, I think it's at about minus ten years. I probably owe Seattle Grace my firstborn child or something ridiculous like that."

"Well, that's too bad," Derek said. "Because I know it's a long way off, but I think I've already grown attached to the idea of keeping our firstborn."

"It's not _that_ far off," Meredith countered.

"Oh?" Derek asked innocently.

"No, no, and no," Meredith scolded. "I see what you're doing, and it's not going to work, Derek."

"What am I doing?" Derek asked.

"You're trying to have the baby talk," Meredith said. "There will be no baby talk today. In fact, I think we need a rule…no baby talk until we've been married at least a week. Maybe even a month."

"But there will be a baby talk," Derek said knowingly.

"Just not now," Meredith said.

"Good," Derek smiled, leaning in to kiss his wife before taking her coffee cup out of her hands and placing it on the bedside table. "Because I really don't think I'm ready to share you just yet, Mrs. Shepherd."

* * *

"Dr. Shepherd," Chief Webber smiled as he walked in to find Meredith waiting in his office early in the morning two days later, absentmindedly flipping through a patient's chart and not looking up as he closed the door. "Meredith?"

"Oh!" Meredith exclaimed, quickly shutting the chart. "I'm sorry, Chief…I think it's going to take a little while to get used to the new name."

"It usually does," Richard nodded understandingly, reaching into the top drawer of his desk and removing a box. "I think these should help, though."

Carefully removing the lid, Meredith smiled broadly as she pulled out the crisp white lab coat, neatly embroidered with _M. Shepherd, M.D._ on the left chest.

"Put it on," Richard encouraged, watching as Meredith slipped off her old lab coat and eagerly placed the new one in its place, smoothing down the hem and running her fingers over the lettering.

"I guess this is really happening, then," Meredith said quietly, reaching into the box and removing her new hospital I.D. card, slowly turning it in her hands before clipping it to the pocket on her new coat.

"You're not having second thoughts, are you?" Richard asked in concern. "It's not too late to go back to Grey, you know."

"No," Meredith shook her head. "I'm not going back, Chief. I'll admit, it still feels a little strange to have a new name, but I know this is who I want to be. It's just going to take some getting used to."

"Of course," Richard nodded. "You know, it took your mother quite a while to get used to it, too."

"What do you mean?" Meredith asked in confusion.

"The name change," Richard said. "Frankly, most of us in the program were shocked that she actually changed her name…I don't know if there's really a type for that sort of thing, but if there is, your mother most certainly didn't fit into it."

"Chief, what are you talking about?" Meredith asked.

"Ellis just never seemed like the type of woman who would want to take her husband's last name," Richard said, shaking his head as he leaned back in his chair.

"She wasn't, was she?" Meredith agreed. "It never really made sense to me that she kept it after we left, either."

"I asked her once," Richard said, his voice drifting as he started getting lost in his memories. "She took two days off for the wedding, and when she came back, I asked her why she'd changed her name."

"Did she tell you?" Meredith asked curiously.

"Not really," Richard sighed. "All she'd say is that Ellis Mitchell wasn't a person she'd ever wanted to be, so if it was a choice, she'd take Ellis Grey any day of the week."

"Mitchell," Meredith repeated slowly.

"Her maiden name," Richard said. "But then, you knew that, of course."

"Oh, um, yeah," Meredith nodded. "Of course."

"I don't suppose it helped matters that she didn't tell anyone she was getting married," Richard continued, seeming more and more in his own world.

"My parents eloped?" Meredith asked in surprise.

"I don't know that it was an elopement exactly," Richard said. "They just didn't tell anyone that they were getting married. They just went down to the courthouse and did it one Friday afternoon. Your mother took the weekend off and was back at work Monday morning, wearing a ring and carrying a new I.D. card."

"That sounds like my mother," Meredith said, smiling slightly. "Surgery first, everything else second."

"She had a gift, Meredith," Richard said. "I know she may not have balanced her life all that well, but even then, even though we were just starting our second year, everyone knew that Ellis had a gift."

"I know that," Meredith said defensively.

"I know you do," Richard sighed. "It's just…"

"I don't need you to defend my mother to me," Meredith interrupted. "Believe me, Chief, I know that my mother was a talented surgeon. I know that she was the best…she wouldn't have had it any other way. And me taking Derek's name has nothing to do with me not understanding that, sir. Me changing my name had nothing to do with her surgical ability."

"I'm sure it didn't," Richard said, quickly realizing he was once again overstepping his bounds. "Meredith, I just…"

"I'm late for rounds, Chief," Meredith said, standing up and adjusting her new coat as she turned to leave. "Thank you for taking care of the name change so quickly."

* * *

"You know, I'm fairly certain that that's actually my desk," Derek commented in amusement as he walked into his office that afternoon to find his wife sitting in his desk chair, a thick folder sitting on the desk in front of her.

"Door says 'Dr. Shepherd'," Meredith countered. "That's me now, you know."

"I thought it said 'D. Shepherd, M.D.'," Derek said.

"Nope," Meredith shook her head, not looking up from the paperwork she was studying. "The one on the nameplate on the desk said 'D. Shepherd', but I moved that one. Door just says Dr. Shepherd."

"Well, I'm going to have do something about that," Derek said. "Although, this way they won't have to change the hardware when you finish your residency and they give you my job."

"And just where are you going?" Meredith asked, glancing up and arching an eyebrow in his direction.

"Nowhere," Derek said. "But you'll be such an amazing neurosurgeon, they'll demote me and give you my job."

"Ha," Meredith scoffed. "You'd demote yourself just to get rid of the paperwork, Derek. Did you need your desk for something?"

"No, I don't think I did," Derek said. "Apparently you did, though."

"Do you mind?" Meredith asked. "I figured we've got that whole 'what's mine is yours' thing going on right now, so I might as well take advantage."

"Meredith, you can always use my office," Derek assured her. "I do have the most comfortable couch of all the department heads, you know."

"So Mark tells me," Meredith laughed.

"So, what are you working on?" Derek asked, peering over Meredith's shoulder to look at the papers.

"It's nothing," Meredith said, quickly stuffing them back inside the folder. "Just some research…nothing important."

"Meredith," Derek said softly, taking the folder from her hands and flipping it open. "Mer, this is your mother's personnel file."

"I'm aware of what it is, thank you very much," Meredith said as she snatched it back out of his hands.

"Meredith, where did you get that?" Derek asked.

"From Lexie," Meredith said simply.

"And where did Lexie get it?" Derek asked.

"I don't know," Meredith said. "I didn't ask."

"She just randomly came up to you and handed you your mother's personnel file?" Derek asked. "Just out of the blue?"

"No," Meredith said slowly. "I may have asked her to see what she could do about getting it."

"Meredith, you realize she probably had to break into the hospital archives to get this, don't you?" Derek pointed out. "It's confidential information; this file is supposed to be sealed, just like the personnel files of all former employees."

"I didn't know that," Meredith shrugged innocently. "Like I said, she just handed it to me."

"Mer, why do you need your mother's file in the first place?" Derek asked.

"Because I have questions," Meredith said. "Look, I know we're married and we're happy and all of that…I'm not supposed to have mommy issues anymore, I get that, but I can't help it. Every time I think I'm past it, someone does something or says something, and then I have questions."

"Who says you're not supposed to have mommy issues anymore?" Derek asked. "Mer, just because we're married, that doesn't mean you're not going to have issues. I know that; I married them too. I certainly hope you don't expect me not to have issues anymore just because we're married now."

"Oh, I know you've got issues," Meredith assured him teasingly. "I know those aren't going anywhere… I'm good, but no one's that good, Derek."

"Hey," Derek protested. "No changing the issue here, _Dr._ Shepherd. I still want to know why you need to read your mother's file…or why it was so important that you'd ask your sister to break into the archives to get it, because I know you knew she'd have to do that."

"I told you," Meredith sighed. "I have questions. And I need answers, but I can't ask my mother. Because she's dead, remember that?"

"Yes, I remember," Derek said cautiously.

"And even if she weren't dead," Meredith continued. "I could never ask her. We never talked about anything personal…that's _why_ I have questions, probably. She never told me anything. Even if she were alive, it's not like I could just call her up and ask her."

"Why not?" Derek asked, wondering just what had his wife so worked up.

"Oh, yeah, that would be a great conversation," Meredith scoffed. "I can see it now; it would be just perfect...'_Hi Mom, how's it going? Oh, residency is going well. Derek says hello. What's that? You revolutionized another surgical technique? Gee, that's great, Mom, I'm happy for you. Oh, by the way…did you and Thatcher get married because you were knocked up?_' Yeah, that would have gone over real well, I'm sure."


	3. Puzzles

**A/N: **Okay, I can't believe it's been two months since I updated this story. I am so, so sorry, everyone! Thank you for all coming back after the long delay...barring more personal disasters, there should be an update about once a week from here on out. The next few chapters are going to move pretty quickly, and I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Derek furrowed his brow in confusion as he leaned back against the edge of his desk, carefully studying his wife's face, trying ascertain just how serious she was.

"Are you…do you think you could run that thought by me one more time?" he eventually managed to ask.

"It never made any sense to me, not really," Meredith said quietly, staring intently at the closed file now resting on her knees. "It was a strange thing, the idea of my parents actually being married. They just didn't work in my head, you know?"

"I'm not sure I do," Derek admitted.

"Think about it, Derek," Meredith insisted. "Can you really tell me you can see it? Thatcher with Ellis. Ellis with Thatcher. The two of them as a married couple. Come on, could you come up with two people less suited for one another? I suppose if you somehow put Cristina and George together, but even then…"

"Yuck," Derek muttered to himself, interrupting Meredith's speech as he shivered slightly at her suggestion.

"Exactly," Meredith said, somewhat triumphantly. "It's the same thing with Thatcher and Ellis. And yet, for some reason that I never quite understood, they not only dated, they got married and even had a baby together. Of course, now I know that was a total accident, but even still…now I know the reason."

"And you're not upset about this?" Derek asked cautiously.

"I don't think so," Meredith said thoughtfully. "I thought I would be…I mean, I should be upset, right? Sure, I'd rather not have been the sole reason my parents put themselves through five years of a loveless marriage, but at least there was a reason, and one that makes more sense than just trying to tell myself that they were in love…because as cynical as it might sound, I don't buy that for one second."

"You don't?" Derek asked.

"I'm sorry," Meredith said. "I know we just got married, and we're supposed to think that everyone who does that is just as happy and in love as we are, but I just can't. Maybe Thatcher loved her in some weird way, but I'd bet anything that Ellis never really loved him, not in the way you should love someone if you're going to marry them."

"And you're certain that you were the reason they got married?" Derek prodded. "Isn't it possible that they didn't find out Ellis was pregnant until after the wedding?"

"She was a doctor, Derek," Meredith said. "No way was she _that_ out of touch with her body. They got married in September."

"And you were born in January," Derek filled in. "So, she was what? Six months along?"

"No mystery there," Meredith agreed. "That's a shotgun wedding if I ever heard of one. I just wish I had easy answers like that one for all my questions."

"What other questions?" Derek asked.

"It's just that I don't know anything about my mother," Meredith said. "Not really, anyway. Any med student who's read a few good journal articles on her knows almost as much as I do. I don't know anything about her personally. Other than a surgeon, was there anything else to her? I'd really like to think that there was, but I just don't know."

"I'm sure you know more than you think," Derek tried to reassure her.

"I don't, though," Meredith insisted. "I don't know anything about her, and the bits and pieces that I do know…well, they don't make any sense, either. It's like I've got a puzzle, but all I have are the edge pieces."

"What doesn't make sense?" Derek asked.

"Well, for starters, this," Meredith said, reaching into her mother's personnel file and handing Derek a sheet of paper from within. "Read this."

"It's your mother's application to the Seattle Grace surgical residency program," Derek said, looking up in confusion. "What exactly am I supposed to see on this?"

"Look at the name she signed," Meredith instructed.

"Ellis Pauline Mitchell," Derek read aloud. "Your mother's middle name was Pauline?"

"Yes, but that's not the point," Meredith said.

"What is the point here, Mer?" Derek asked.

"Mitchell," Meredith said, taking the paper back from Derek and staring at it again. "I mean, what the hell?"

"It's her maiden name, Mer," Derek said gently. "She wasn't Ellis Grey until she married Thatcher."

"I _know_ that," Meredith said impatiently. "And apparently, that's what people think her maiden was…at least, that's what the Chief seems to think it was. That's the name she used here at the hospital before she got married."

"Isn't it her maiden name?" Derek asked in confusion. "Did you not know that?"

"Oh, I know my mother's maiden name," Meredith said defensively. "Don't forget, I had to handle everything for her after she went into the nursing home. I handled all her personal paperwork, her important documents…including her birth certificate."

"So what's the problem?" Derek asked.

"My mother's name wasn't Mitchell," Meredith said. "My mother was born Ellis Pauline _Roberts_."

"Are you sure?" Derek asked.

"I know how to read, Derek," Meredith said. "I'm quite certain it says Roberts, not Mitchell. I've still got it up in the attic at the old house if you want to see for yourself."

"I believe you," Derek assured her. "It's just…well, that doesn't make any sense. Why would your mother have changed her name?"

"See what I mean?" Meredith asked triumphantly. "Only edge pieces. I can sort of see a bit of the picture, but not enough to know what it actually is. I've got all the outside side, but what I really need is the substance."

"We could always hire someone to do a little digging," Derek suggested. "Find out whatever you want to know about her past."

"You want to hire a private investigator?" Meredith asked skeptically. "Derek, I'm not about to pay some stranger to poke his nose into my mother's business. Whatever her past is, she obviously didn't want anyone to know about it. I don't think I could just let some stranger go digging for it…it wouldn't feel right."

"Well, what if it wasn't a stranger?" Derek asked. "My cousin's a cop. I'm sure he'd look into it if we asked him to."

"No," Meredith shook her head vigorously. "I appreciate that you want to help, Derek, I really do…and I'm sure your cousin is really great at what he does, but I just can't. I have to at least try to let this go."

"Are you sure?" Derek asked.

"Not really," Meredith sighed. "But if there's one thing that I've learned about life so far, it's that I usually don't want the answers to my unanswered questions; they only make things worse in the end."

"This could be different," Derek suggested gently.

"My mother never, ever did anything without a reason," Meredith said. "And for one reason or another, she chose to keep her personal history to herself. Whatever it is, whoever she was, I have to respect her decision to keep it the way she wanted it. It was her life, Derek, and I don't really have the right to be digging it up just to make myself feel better."

"Of course you have a right," Derek said. "Meredith, this isn't just your mother's history…it's yours too. Her family history is your family history, remember? Do you even know anything about your mother's family?"

"I just always assumed she didn't have one," Meredith shrugged. "She never talked about one…the only relative she seemed to have was Aunt Sarah, and she passed away when I was 12."

"And you aren't the least bit curious about who else might be out there?" Derek asked.

"I don't need to be," Meredith said. "You're apparently curious enough for the both of us. It's sweet, Derek, but I need you to drop it, okay? I'm not going to dig up the past, alright?"

"Alright," Derek nodded. "You'll let me know if you change your mind?"

"I will," Meredith agreed.

Derek smiled and opened his mouth to reply, pausing as he was interrupted by the familiar shrill beeping of his pager.

"Saved by the bell," he sighed, leaning over to kiss Meredith softly before standing up. "You're off at seven, right?"

"Yeah," Meredith said, waving softly as Derek shut the door behind himself on his way out. Sighing, Meredith turned her attention back the paper in front of her, folding and unfolding the corners in between her fingers as she stared at the page. "Oh Mom," she whispered. "Who the hell were you?"

* * *

"So, how's it feel to be Dr. Shepherd?" Lexie asked, scooting over to make room for Meredith at a table in the cafeteria. "Are you confusing all the nurses yet?"

"Not yet, no," Meredith laughed. "Do you really think it'll be that difficult?"

"Um, yes," Cristina said. "That's why I told you not to change it."

"Come on, it can't be any more confusing than it was when there were two Dr. Greys in the hospital," Meredith insisted. "Or when there were two Dr. Shepherds here. Remember that?"

"So what you're saying is that we should just start calling you the she-Shepherd," Alex said.

"Don't you dare," Meredith snapped back. "No, no, no and, um, no."

"We've got to have some way to tell you guys apart when we're just looking at a chart," Izzie pointed out.

"No one ever had a problem when Lexie and I had the same last name," Meredith argued.

"She has a point," Lexie agreed.

"Yeah, but you're both third years," Alex said. "You won't starting getting your own patients until January…no one ever had to shout, 'Someone page Dr. Grey' in the middle of a trauma. Once you start getting your own patients, 'Page Dr. Shepherd' is going to get confusing."

"Everyone managed just fine when Derek and Addison were married," Meredith said.

"That was different," Cristina said.

"How?" Meredith asked.

"Shepherd's a neurosurgeon; Addison ran the gynie squad," Cristina said. "Even a nurse isn't dumb enough to mix up their patients. You and Shepherd, though, you're both going to be neurosurgeons. How the hell are we going to tell the difference?"

"I'm sure you'll figure something out," Meredith said. "Something that doesn't involve any of the nicknames we gave Addison, thank you very much."

"You're no fun, you know that?" Cristina asked. "You're already a boring little wife."

"Hey, you've been a wife longer than I have," Meredith reminded her.

"Correction," Cristina said defensively. "I'm a married woman."

"Isn't that the same thing?" Izzie asked in confusion.

"Of course not, Barbie," Cristina snapped. "I am an independent woman; I'm driven, capable, ambitious, completely unhindered. I just happen to have a piece of paper that links me to Rick."

"And what the hell do you think I am?" Meredith asked.

"You're a half," Cristina said. "You think about someone else, you wait for someone else, you _need_ someone else. You're part of a freaking unit. You're a wife."

"And you're a cynic," Izzie piped up. "And a liar."

"What?" Cristina asked in confusion.

"You're a wife, too," Lexie said. "You may be driven and capable and ambitious, but you think about Rick, you wait for Rick and you would never have married him if you didn't need him."

"She's right, you know," Meredith said. "You like it, too. You enjoy being married."

"I never said I didn't," Cristina protested, grabbing her tray as she stood up and turned away from the table. "That doesn't make me some sappy hanger-on."

"She's never going to own up to actually liking her husband, is she?" Lexie asked.

"That's Cristina for you," Meredith shrugged. "She knows she's happy, she just thinks if other people know it, they'll think she's weak."

"Well, at least you don't have that problem," Izzie said, grinning at the smile that hadn't left Meredith's face since she'd joined them.


	4. Hiding

**A/N: **Alright, let's just get this out in the open...I hate cliche storylines. I really do. And yet, in many ways, a lot of what happens in this chapter is cliche. I just couldn't think of another way to bring us to the point I need us to get to in the next chapter or two in order for the main storyline I'm working on to keep developing. Does that mean I'm having an uncreative spell when it comes to storylines? Maybe. I've tried to keep the cliche to a minimum, and to mix it up a bit with some twists that maybe aren't as cliched. I don't know if it worked, though. Regardless, I hope that you can look past it and enjoy the chapter - maybe I'm just overanalyzing everything?

* * *

"You look like hell," Meredith commented as she stepped into the elevator next to Cristina and pushed the button to take them down to the ER.

"You try pulling a 36 hour shift with three surgeries and see how hot you look," Cristina said, pausing and smirking slightly before adding, "At least I still look better than you."

"Do not," Meredith protested.

"I could cut off all my hair, sleep in the woods for a week and still look hotter than you," Cristina argued. "It's just in my nature."

"Why do I put up with you?" Meredith asked in amusement.

"Because I'm your person," Cristina shrugged, taking the coffee out of Meredith's hands and taking a large sip.

"Hey!" Meredith protested. "That's mine, you know."

"Um, did you not hear the part about the 36 hour shift?" Cristina asked. "I'm asleep on my feet. Not exactly great for the wellbeing of whatever idiots we're about to meet up with in the ER."

"You talking about the patients or the interns, Yang?" Alex asked as he stepped into the elevator just before the doors closed.

"Both," Cristina said.

"The interns aren't that bad," Meredith pointed out. "They could be a lot worse."

"They're interns, Mer," Alex said. "By definition they couldn't be any worse if they tried."

"You do both remember that we were interns not that long ago, right?" Meredith asked skeptically.

"Shhh!" Alex and Cristina exclaimed in unison.

"We don't talk about that," Alex said defensively.

"Besides," Cristina added. "We were definitely the exception…well, I was, at any rate. I can't speak for the rest of you."

* * *

"Alright, what have we got?" Alex called out as he and Meredith stepped out into the ambulance bay, three eager interns following closely on their heels.

"Kelly Michaels, 27, thirty-one weeks pregnant," an EMT announced as he guided the stretcher out of the back of the ambulance. "Head on collision, three victims…this one's one of the drivers."

"Was the other driver drinking?" Meredith asked as Alex began assessing his patient.

"Nope," the EMT said. "She was."

"Damn it," Meredith muttered, shaking her head.

"Meredith, can I have one of your interns?" Alex asked. "O'Malley should be here soon to help with the other two vics."

"Yeah, um, Dawson," Meredith said, turning to the young woman at her right. "Go assist Dr. Karev with Ms. Michaels."

Meredith turned back to the ambulance bay, snapping on her gloves as the second ambulance pulled up. "Look alive, people, look alive," she called out as one of the two remaining interns narrowly jumped out of the way of the opening doors.

"Patricia Myers, 54," the EMT called out. "Severe lacerations to the abdomen and pelvis; possible spinal column injury."

"Is she the last one?" Meredith asked.

"She was the second driver," the EMT said. "Her passenger's coming in right behind us…probable head trauma."

"Alright," Meredith nodded, turning to the intern behind her. "Dr. Harmon, take Ms. Myers to Trauma 3. Assess her condition and wait for Dr. O'Malley to join you. Understood?"

"Yes, ma'am," the intern said quickly, grabbing the side of the stretcher and heading into the ER.

"Dr. Carter, you're with me on the passenger," Meredith instructed, motioning for the final intern to follow her further into the ambulance bay to meet the third ambulance.

"Right behind you, Dr. Shepherd," Dr. Carter replied, hurrying along at Meredith's heels.

"Alright guys, what have we got?" Meredith called out as the back doors of the ambulance swung open.

"Unidentified male, mid to late fifties," the EMT replied quickly. "Stabilized on scene, but he coded once on the ride over. Took a pretty bad hit to the head on impact."

"Has he been conscious at all?" Meredith asked, stepping back to allow the EMT out of the ambulance, craning her neck to get a better view of the patient as the stretched descended from the ambulance.

"Not since we arrived," the EMT said. "No ID on him or in the vicinity, either."

"Alright," Meredith nodded, stepping up to the stretcher, her hand freezing halfway to the field chart the EMT was holding out for her.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Dr. Carter asked hesitantly. "Um, ma'am? How should we proceed?"

"Dear God," Meredith muttered softly, taking a step back from the stretcher.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Dr. Carter asked hesitantly.

"Trauma 4," Meredith said quietly. "Page Dr. Bailey to take over for me."

"Excuse me?" Dr. Carter asked in confusion. "Why? Dr. Shepherd?"

"She'll know why," Meredith said, taking off her gloves and ripping off the yellow plastic trauma gown. "She'll understand when she sees him."

Tossing her gloves and gown into the trash can near the entrance, Meredith quickly hurried away without another word to her bewildered intern.

* * *

"This had better be good," Miranda Bailey snapped as she hurried into the trauma room. "Well? You fools have about two seconds to explain why I was paged to the pit when I have surgery in twenty minutes!"

"Um, Dr. Shepherd told me to page you to take over this case," Dr. Carter said nervously.

"Dr. Shepherd did, did he?" Bailey repeated in annoyance.

"She, ma'am," the intern corrected her. "The female Dr. Shepherd."

"And did the female Dr. Shepherd indicate why she was abandoning her patient and pawning him off on me?" Dr. Bailey asked.

"Um, no ma'am, she didn't," Dr. Carter said. "She just got kind of pale as soon as she saw him and then just took off. She said you'd understand when you saw the patient."

"Alright," Bailey sighed, pushing her concern to the back of her mind as she turned her focus to the patient at hand. "What have we got?"

"Unidentified male in his mid-50s," Dr. Carter said, stepping to the side to allow Dr. Bailey to approach and see the patient for the first time. "Unconscious after probable head trauma resulting from a head-on vehicle collision; pupils dilated and responsive to light, indicating brain function. I'd order a CT to rule out any sort of hematoma."

"For the love of all things holy…" Bailey muttered as she stepped past the interns and took her first look at the man lying on the stretcher. "You son of a bitch."

"Excuse me?" Dr. Carter asked in shock.

"Not you," Bailey said. "The patient."

"Oh," Dr. Carter said, still not understanding what exactly was going on at Seattle Grace that morning.

"Get him to CT and page me when the results are in," Bailey ordered, pausing before turning to leave the room. "Update his chart while you're at it; his name is Thatcher Grey."

* * *

"You can't be in here, you know," Cristina said, stepping into the fourth floor supply closet and closing the door behind her. "This is my hiding place."

"I didn't see your name on the door," Meredith said, glancing up from her position in the back corner, tucked in next to the shelves of sheets.

"Invisible ink," Cristina shrugged, taking a seat across from Meredith. "If you were anyone else, I'd have to kill you for taking my hiding place."

"Good thing I'm just me then," Meredith said. "What are you hiding from?"

"My husband," Cristina said. "You?"

"My life," Meredith sighed, leaning back against the wall.

"So daddy-dearest might finally bite the dust," Cristina said. "Shouldn't you be dancing in the halls instead of hiding in here?"

"Bailey paged you," Meredith said knowingly.

"You disappeared," Cristina said. "She was worried."

"I'm fine," Meredith said automatically.

"Of course you are," Cristina said with a knowing smirk. "You're always fine."

"I'm not sad," Meredith said. "My father was in a horrible accident. He could die, Cristina. My father could die and I'm not even sad. Shouldn't I be sad? There's something wrong with me, right? I should be sad; a normal person would be sad right now."

"My dad died in a car accident," Cristina said, an unusual hint of emotion in her voice as she cast her eyes down.

"Cristina…" Meredith began.

"I was sad," Cristina continued. "He was my best friend…the only person I trusted, and he died."

"See?" Meredith said. "Shouldn't I be sad, then?"

"Would you be sad if I died?" Cristina asked. "Would you be sad if Derek died?"

"Of course," Meredith said without hesitation.

"There's nothing wrong with you," Cristina said. "I was sad because I loved my dad. Biology doesn't make Thatcher your dad, Meredith…he's basically a glorified sperm donor. He's a complete stranger, and a jackass at that. If someone you loved was dying, you'd be sad. Thatcher's never done anything to deserve to be loved, not by you…there's nothing wrong with you."

"Thanks," Meredith said with a small smile.

"Shouldn't you be crying to the husband, though?" Cristina asked. "You've been married, what? 4 days? Is the honeymoon period over already?"

"He's spending the day with his family," Meredith said. "They're going back to New York tomorrow and his sisters wanted to actually see him before they left."

"They were at the wedding," Cristina pointed out. "They saw him there."

"Yeah, but that doesn't exactly count as quality family time," Meredith said.

"Why didn't you go?" Cristina asked. "You're family too…or are they being all McBitchy again?"

"I couldn't get the time off," Meredith said. "I probably this hospital about six months of vacation time or something like that, what with all the time I've had to take off since I started here."

"You do skip work a lot," Cristina agreed.

"I had reasons every time," Meredith pointed out.

"Sure you did," Cristina said with a tiny smirk. "Lame ones…appendectomy, drowning, dead mommy, dead step-mommy, plane crash…come on, you could at least come up with a good excuse every now and then."

"Very funny," Meredith scoffed. "Why are you hiding from your husband?"

"Nope, this is about you, not me," Cristina said.

"You said you came in here to hide from your husband," Meredith reminded her. "You can't just pretend you didn't say that. Enough of my problems…it's your turn."

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Cristina said.

"I'm your person, you have to at least try to tell me," Meredith argued. "Why are you hiding from your husband?"

"You really want to know?" Cristina asked skeptically.

"Would I have asked if I didn't?" Meredith replied. "Now just tell me and stop wasting time."

"I think I'm pregnant," Cristina admitted quietly.

"Holy hell," Meredith sighed. "I thought Rick didn't want kids?"

"He doesn't," Cristina said. "Hence the hiding in a supply closet."

"Is he angry?" Meredith asked in concern. "I mean, you didn't get pregnant on purpose…did you?"

"Of course not," Cristina insisted. "I don't want kids either, remember?"

"Right, right," Meredith nodded. "Okay, so is he angry?"

"I don't know," Cristina said with a sigh. "I kind of blurted it out and took off before he could react."

"You're afraid," Meredith said as the realization hit her.

"I am not," Cristina said defensively. "I am not afraid of him."

"No, not of him," Meredith said slowly. "You're afraid he isn't going to want the baby."

"Why would I be afraid of that?" Cristina asked. "I can always just have an abortion. It's what I was going to do last time, remember?"

"Last time you were in a very different place, personally and professionally," Meredith said. "Do you want this baby?"

"I don't even know if there is a baby," Cristina said. "All I've got is one lousy plastic stick that turned blue."

"But if you are pregnant?" Meredith asked.

"I don't know," Cristina admitted. "Other than the whole three weeks I knew I was pregnant with Burke's baby, I've never really thought about having a kid. Sort of like how until Rick and I signed that stupid piece of paper, I never really thought much about getting married."

"But you like being married," Meredith said.

"Doesn't mean I'd like having a snot-nosed brat running around the house," Cristina retorted.

"So what are you afraid of?" Meredith asked.

"I'm not afraid," Cristina insisted.

"You are," Meredith said. "Are you afraid he does want it?"

"I don't know, damn it!" Cristina said in frustration. "Look, I don't know if I even am pregnant. And if I am, I don't know if I want it or I don't."

"But you're afraid he does know," Meredith deduced. "You're afraid he's going to know right away what he wants, and then if you decide you want something else, it's going to hurt your marriage."

"You spend far too much time with shrinks, you know that?" Cristina asked.

"Well, it's not like you can avoid him forever," Meredith said. "You two do live together."

"I can avoid him about as long as you can avoid maybe-dying-daddy," Cristina argued.

"Point taken," Meredith conceded.

"And yet you're not getting up," Cristina said.

"Neither are you," Meredith pointed out.

"True," Cristina nodded, pulling at the edges of one of the nearby pillowcases. "So, we're just going to sit here?"

"We're hiding," Meredith said. "It's not exactly the most exciting activity in the world."

"Agreed," Cristina said, resting her head against the wall. "Hey, did you see the triple-bypass Hahn did on that kid this morning?"


	5. Does It Change?

**A/N: **Y'all are so sweet - thank you for the reviews! I apologize for not having time to respond to each of them personally as I usually do, but I do appreciate them! I hope things will be getting back to some sort of "normal" here in my real world soon, and then I'll have time for more writing (and responding to reviews!). In the meantime, thank you for being such wonderful loyal readers, and enjoy this next update!

* * *

"So, how did you manage to get us away from your sisters?" Maggie Shepherd asked with a laugh as Derek pulled out a chair for her at the small restaurant he'd taken her to for lunch.

"It was pretty simple, actually," Derek said with a sly grin. "I just pointed them in the direction of the nearest shopping mall and told them I'd call them when we were done."

"Well, not that I don't adore spending time with my daughters, but I am glad to spend some time with you," Maggie said. "I know you've been busy, but I feel as though I hardly saw you the whole time I was here."

"I'm sorry about that, Mom," Derek said. "I know you came all the way out here, and then Meredith and I weren't exactly the best hosts…"

"Nonsense," Maggie scoffed. "I may be getting old, Derek, but I do remember what it was like to be a newlywed."

"Mom!" Derek exclaimed, blushing slightly.

"What?" Maggie laughed. "Derek, I may be a little old-fashioned, but I certainly understand the way these things work. Why do you think Nancy came along before your father and I even made it to our third anniversary?"

"I so did not need to think about that, Mom," Derek groaned. "And don't go getting any ideas, either…Meredith and I are nowhere near ready to even start talking about children, let alone having any."

"Derek, I've got nineteen grandchildren," Maggie reminded him. "I'd love to have a few from you as well, but Sammy's only five months old, so I'm not in spoiling-withdrawals just yet. When she's a little older, then I'll start dropping hints."

"Somehow, I don't doubt that," Derek laughed, pausing as his cell phone began to ring.

"Your sisters are lost," Maggie guessed as he pulled it out of his pocket.

"No, actually, it's the hospital," Derek said, frowning slightly. "They know I'm supposed to be off today."

"Maybe it's Meredith," Maggie offered.

"Calling from the main hospital line and not her cell? I doubt it," Derek said, flipping open his phone and pressing it to his ear. "Derek Shepherd."

"George?" Derek asked in confusion as he heard the voice on the other end. "Is something wrong?"

Maggie watched in concern at the look of worry that grew on her son's face as he listened to whatever he was hearing.

"Does Meredith know yet?"

"No, tell her on my way there now. Give me twenty minutes, tops."

"What's wrong?" Maggie asked anxiously as Derek quickly hung up the phone and stuffed it back into his pocket.

"Meredith's father was in a car accident this morning," Derek said. "I've got to get to the hospital. George says Meredith saw him when he first came in, but no one can find her now."

"I'm coming with you," Maggie said, grabbing her purse and standing up to follow Derek.

"Alright," Derek nodded, not having the time to argue. "I'll call the girls on the way, let them know where we're going."

"I thought Meredith didn't have a relationship with her father," Maggie commented as they left the restaurant.

"She doesn't," Derek said. "He's a complete jackass."

"Language, Derek," Maggie scolded gently.

"Sorry, Mom, but there are no nice ways to describe Thatcher Grey," Derek said. "I've got no sympathy for the man…Meredith doesn't really, either, but despite everything, he is still her father."

"And she cares about him," Maggie filled in as she slipped into the front seat of the car.

"I wouldn't say that, no," Derek said, shaking his head as he turned the key in the ignition. "Not him specifically. It's more the idea of him that she's a little attached to."

"The idea of him?" Maggie repeated in confusion.

"Look, growing up, Meredith didn't have a lot of love in her life," Derek explained. "So she filled in the gaps with fantasies of this father who would ride in and take her away from everything; this father who loved her and was the perfect parent. She knew, even then, that wasn't who _her_ father was, but it didn't stop her from dreaming. So, Meredith the doctor, Meredith the wife, Meredith the adult…she's long since written Thatcher Grey off. Somewhere deep down, though, that little girl is still holding on to that dream, even if she knows it can't come true."

* * *

"What are we doing?" Cristina asked as she followed Meredith into an exam room.

"You made me stop hiding and call my sisters," Meredith said. "So now I'm making you stop hiding. Stick out your arm."

"Why?" Cristina asked, watching as Meredith pulled a kit from a nearby shelf. "Oh, hell no. No way."

"You need to do this, Cristina," Meredith said. "You can't walk around not knowing if you're pregnant. If you aren't, you've got yourself all worked up for nothing."

"And if I am?" Cristina asked.

"If you are, then you at least know," Meredith said, rubbing a cleansing alcohol pad over Cristina's arm, preparing the area for the needle. "Once you know, you can start to deal with it. You can talk to your husband. You can figure out where you stand. And when it's all said and done, if you need a person for the clinic, I'm here."

"I know," Cristina nodded, wincing slightly as Meredith slipped the needle into her vein.

"That should do it," Meredith said, snapping the lid onto the vial of blood as Cristina pressed a piece of gauze onto her arm.

"Who's taking that to the lab?" Cristina asked.

"I will," Meredith said with a small smile. "I really haven't given the nurses enough to talk about recently. Can you imagine the looks on their faces when the lab techs tell them that Meredith Shepherd is having them run a pregnancy test on a mysterious, non-existent patient?"

"They'll have a field day," Cristina smirked. "I've got to admit, that's good. But you might want to give McDreamy a heads-up before some googly-eyed nurse congratulates him and ends up giving him a heart attack."

"Duly noted," Meredith said. "So, I'd better get going…I think I've got to call Lexie and Molly when I'm done with this."

"I'll do it," Cristina offered, earning a skeptical look from Meredith. "What? You're taking the blabber-mouths off my back for a few days. The least I can do is call Little Grey and tell her to get her butt to the hospital. She can call the other one."

"You aren't exactly the most sensitive when it comes to these sorts of things," Meredith said. "I think maybe I should take care of it."

"I'm a bitch, I know that," Cristina said. "It's who I am…but I know a thing or two about daddies and car crashes, remember? I think I can handle Little Grey for you without breaking her."

"Okay," Meredith nodded. "I do the blood, you do the call."

* * *

"O'Malley!" Derek called out as he and his mother stepped off the elevator onto the surgical floor. "Where's Meredith?"

"I don't know," George admitted. "One of the nurses said she was down in the lab about twenty minutes ago, but I can't seem to find her anywhere."

"Did you page her?" Derek asked anxiously.

"Of course I did," George said.

"Check the on-call rooms?" Derek asked.

"Yes," George said.

"Supply closets?" Derek asked.

"I looked in all of them," George said. "She's not anywhere to be found."

"Where's Cristina?" Derek asked.

"Um…I don't know," George said in confusion. "Is that important?"

"Find Cristina, you find Meredith," Derek explained. "That's how it usually works, George, you ought to know that. What about Lexie?"

"She's down in the family waiting room," George said. "Molly and Eric are on their way in, so she said she'd just meet them down there. Cristina called her, apparently."

"She's definitely with Meredith, then," Derek surmised. "And I think I just might know where they are."

* * *

Derek smiled slightly as he stepped into his office and closed the door behind him, turning to find Meredith curled up in the corner of the couch, her knees tucked in just below her chin.

"You found me," she said, scooting over slightly to allow Derek to take a seat just behind her and wrap his arms around her waist.

"I know you," Derek said, kissing her softly on the cheek. "Where's Cristina? I thought she'd be here with you."

"Nah, she went to go find Rick," Meredith said. "Where's your mother?"

"I think she said that she was going to the cafeteria," Derek said. "My sisters will be here soon."

"Oh, I didn't want to ruin everyone's day," Meredith protested. "They should go out, have a good time, enjoy the city. It's their last day…you should be out with your family, Derek."

"You're my family, Meredith," Derek insisted. "Whether you know it or not, Mom and the girls consider you family as well…which means they're here for you, any time, any place. And don't worry about them missing their last day, because they'll be back, you can be sure of it."

"Did you…did you hear anything about Thatcher?" Meredith asked hesitantly.

"He's in surgery still," Derek said. "Bailey's working on him, but it looks like he managed to avoid any serious neurological trauma, which is good."

"He was sober," Meredith said.

"Excuse me?" Derek asked in confusion.

"I sort of expected this would happen one day, you know," Meredith continued. "Ever since that day he showed up in the ER drunk off his ass, screaming for me, back in my second year…ever since that day, I guess I was waiting for this to happen, for them to wheel him through the ER doors after a drunk driving accident."

"Does it change anything?" Derek asked.

"I don't know," Meredith sighed. "I want to be angry; if he'd been driving drunk, it would be so easy to be mad at him for this. But he wasn't drunk…hell, he wasn't even driving, some lady was. I don't really know what to make of that. He took away my reason for being mad."

"Meredith, no one's going to think any less of you if you're mad at Thatcher," Derek assured her. "He may not have been drunk today, but that doesn't change the way he's treated you through the years. You have every right to be pissed off at the man."

"You really think so?" Meredith asked.

"I do," Derek said. "If it makes you feel any better, I'm not going to go see the man because I'd probably punch his lights out if I did."

"You would?" Meredith asked with a slight smile.

"Of course I would," Derek said.

"Okay," Meredith nodded, leaning her head back against his chest. "I suppose we should probably make an appearance in the waiting room…Lexie and Molly should be here soon; they'll worry if they can't find me."

"We can do that," Derek agreed, gently easing Meredith off of him and helping her up. "Can I ask you a question first, though?"

"Sure," Meredith said. "What's up?"

"Can you think of any reason why the nurses would be congratulating me?" Derek asked. "Because maybe I misunderstood, but I swear three separate nurses said 'congratulations' to me on my way up here just now."

"Oh, right," Meredith said with an embarrassed grin. "Well, they probably think I'm pregnant."

"And why do the nurses think that?" Derek asked suspiciously.

"I may have ordered a pregnancy test for a non-existent patient's blood," Meredith admitted.

"Meredith, are you pregnant?" Derek asked in shock.

"God no," Meredith laughed. "Trust me, Derek, when I think I'm pregnant, you'll know it."

"So the mysterious blood work…?" Derek prompted.

"For a friend," Meredith said.

"Are you going to tell me who?" Derek asked.

"You wouldn't believe me if I did," Meredith informed him.

"Try me," Derek suggested. "It's not like Yang's pregnant or something."

"Right," Meredith said slowly, glancing away from Derek's gaze.

"Cristina?" Derek asked in shock, running his hand through his hair as Meredith nodded. "Wow…I guess I didn't see that one coming. I thought she and Rick didn't want kids?"

"They didn't," Meredith said. "They still might not, I don't know…heck, I'm not even sure that they know whether they want this or not. I don't think it's something that either of them ever even considered as a possibility for their lives, so they never took the time to think it."

"Cristina had to have thought about it," Derek said. "She was pregnant when you two were interns, back when she was with Burke."

"She still didn't really think about it," Meredith said. "I mean, yeah, she was pregnant, but she never even considered having the baby, so it wasn't as though she was planning a nursery and dreaming up names before she miscarried."

"She was going to have an abortion?" Derek asked in surprise.

"She was," Meredith agreed. "I guess I forget that that's probably not common knowledge outside the nurses' gossip circle."

"So what were the results?" Derek asked. "She's really pregnant?"

"I don't know," Meredith said. "She said she'd go down and pick the results up later this afternoon. She really needed to find Rick first, though. I don't think either of them reacted well to the possibility of her being pregnant…they're pretty overdue for a serious conversation."

"In the meantime, you'd better hope that my sisters don't catch wind of the rumor that it's your baby," Derek said. "For that matter, you'd better hope that _your _sisters don't hear that rumor while Molly's here."

Meredith sighed at the mention of her sisters, her focus returning once again to the events of that morning.

"Speaking of my sisters," she said. "Lexie and Molly are probably already here…I should probably go find them, let them know what's going on."


	6. Behind Closed Doors

**A/N:** Thank you all for the reviews! Things continue to be crazy around here (not always in a good way, unfortunately)...I really enjoyed being able to write this chapter, though, since we are finally getting into some of the heavier backstory that's being developed. It's by far the longest chapter I've written for this story, and I'm quite pleased with the way it came out. Things will only get more interesting from here, I promise!

* * *

Meredith sighed as she leaned back against the wall, staring intently at the closed door in front of her. She didn't need to open it to know what – or who – would be waiting behind that door. _He_ was behind that door, lying in a hospital bed, recovering from surgery. The man who had walked out of her life when she was five, who had turned his back when she needed him most, he was behind that door. He was behind that door…and he had asked to see her.

In a way, Meredith was glad that Derek had gone to take his mother back to her hotel, because she knew he would not have reacted well when Molly and Lexie had come back to the waiting room with that particular request.

They'd been careful to assure her that it was her choice, that she didn't have to see him, that no one would blame her if she refused. It had been there, though…that little spark in the back of their eyes, the tiny hope that perhaps, just perhaps, this was going to be the jolt that woke him up, that brought back the father they'd grown up loving. Meredith knew that in their heads, her sisters had long ago accepted that man was gone, just as she had; it was their hearts that hadn't quite had as much time to harden as Meredith's had.

Their hearts wanted to believe that he could start fresh, that amends could still be made. Their hearts, of course, didn't know near as much about their father as Meredith did, but for that, she couldn't blame them. They wanted…maybe even needed…to believe that he wanted to start over, to ask forgiveness from the daughter he'd wronged, to make things right, the way they always should have been.

By this point, Meredith's own heart was jaded enough to know that Thatcher Grey was never truly going to change. Unfortunately, though, she found that that same heart felt enough sympathy for her sisters' hopes that she had somehow managed to find herself staring at that door, slowly mustering up the courage to push it open.

* * *

"Do you think she's ever going to go in?" Molly asked anxiously as she stood in a small group at the end of the hallway, watching Meredith wring her hands in front of her body as she rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet. "Maybe this was a bad idea; maybe she isn't ready to see Dad again."

"We're not forcing her to do anything," Lexie argued. "All we did was tell her what Dad said, nothing more. We told her that she didn't have to do it."

"But still…" Molly sighed heavily, leaning against Eric's arm. "Do you think we should go in with her?"

"Right, because that would be so helpful," Cristina said sarcastically. "How's she supposed to put the bastard in his place with you two standing in the background feeling sorry for him?"

"It could go well, you know," Molly said hopefully. "He probably just wants to apologize to her. He did almost die…that can make you want to have your family around. Look at what happened when Meredith was in that plane crash."

"That was different," Cristina said.

"How?" Lexie asked.

"Meredith's problem has always been that she'd too nice," Cristina said. "She cares too much and she loses her edge. Caring has never exactly been Thatcher's problem, at least not when it comes to Meredith."

"She has a point," Lexie admitted begrudgingly. "He hasn't exactly been that open to her."

"People can change," Molly said defensively. "Right?"

"Not him," Cristina said. "Guys like that don't change; they just don't. He's a bully and bullies don't change. Mark my words, this will not end well."

"She's going in," Eric said, interrupting the tense conversation and drawing everyone's attention back down the hall, where, sure enough, Meredith could be seen slowly pushing open the door to Thatcher's hospital room.

* * *

Meredith let out a breath as she stepped into the room and found Thatcher asleep in his bed, a nurse carefully adjusting a fresh bag on his IV pole.

"Oh, Dr. Shepherd," the nurse said pleasantly, glancing over to see Meredith hovering near the doorway. "I didn't realize you were on this case."

"I'm not," Meredith said quietly, her eyes never leaving Thatcher's bed.

"Oh, I just assumed…" the nurse muttered in confusion.

"You're new, aren't you?" Meredith asked with a small smile, realizing that it had to be just a bit ironic that the only nurse in the entire hospital who didn't know why she would visit Thatcher Grey would be the one assigned to his case.

"Um, yes," the nurse said. "This is my first week here, actually. How did you know?"

"Ask Debbie," Meredith said, nodding to the woman as she gave Meredith one final, thoroughly confused stare and proceeded out of the room.

"Meredith?"

Thatcher's voice instantly drew Meredith back into the moment, as she turned her head back to face him.

"Thatcher," Meredith said, her voice steady and unrevealing.

"You look good," Thatcher observed, not getting any response as Meredith continued to stare at him. "That nurse…she called you Dr. Shepherd?"

"Yes, she did," Meredith said. "That's my name."

"You got married," Thatcher concluded. "That's…that's good. Derek seemed like a nice guy when I met him. How long have you been married?"

"I don't see how that's any of your business," Meredith said coolly. "Was there a particular reason you wanted to see me?"

"I guess I just…I almost died today, Meredith," Thatcher said weakly.

"No you didn't," Meredith said. "Maybe if you'd gone to Mercy West…but Dr. Bailey is far too good; you didn't come anywhere near death today, Thatcher."

"I guess it's the feeling that matters," Thatcher said. "You got married. Did you know Lexie's engaged?"

"I did," Meredith said.

"Of course you did," Thatcher nodded. "You work together. And Molly…Molly had another baby, and I didn't know. Lexie's getting married, and I didn't know. And you…you have a husband, a whole life I know nothing about."

"You've got no one to blame but yourself for that," Meredith pointed out.

"I know," Thatcher agreed. "I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, Meredith. If I could go back…well, I've got an awful lot of regrets."

"Don't you dare apologize to me," Meredith interrupted. "Don't you dare play the victim here, Thatcher. You had decades – _decades_, Thatcher – to regret what you did to me, to come find me, to apologize to me. You never did, so don't you even think about doing it now. You lost your chance a long time ago."

"I know you think I didn't fight for you," Thatcher began.

"Because you didn't," Meredith interrupted again, anger creeping into her voice for the first time since she walked into the room. "And I'm not talking about the divorce, Thatcher. Remember when I was seven? Remember when that social worker called?"

"Your mother was still around," Thatcher said. "She would have come back for you."

"My mother slit her wrists in front of me," Meredith spat. "My mother let me sit in a pool of her own blood while she slowly died, right in front of my eyes. Do you honestly think that there's a judge in this world that wouldn't have given you full custody if you had just stepped up and asked for it?"

"She…she did?" Thatcher asked in genuine surprise. "I…I didn't know, Meredith…they didn't tell me why you…why you were being taken away…"

"And you never bothered to ask," Meredith said. "I was seven years old, Thatcher. Seven! All you should have cared about was that I needed you…I needed my father."

"How long?" Thatcher asked.

"What?" Meredith asked in confusion.

"How long before they gave you back to Ellis?" Thatcher asked.

"Does it matter?" Meredith asked, shaking her head before sighing in resignation. "Six months, two weeks, three days."

"I…I had no idea it would be so long," Thatcher said quietly.

"That's the point, Thatcher," Meredith said. "You had no idea about any of it. You had no idea what was going on in my life because you didn't want to have any idea."

"I wish I knew what you want me to say," Thatcher said.

"Nothing," Meredith said. "Don't you get it, Thatcher? I don't want to hear anything you have to say. I'm not going to forgive you…not today, not tomorrow, not ever. As far as I'm concerned, you're not my father; you don't have the right to call yourself that."

"I suppose not," Thatcher agreed reluctantly, sighing as he leaned back against his pillows. "You know, you were born on this floor…a few rooms down, I think, but it was definitely this floor."

"These are recovery rooms," Meredith pointed out. "They've always been recovery rooms; people don't have babies in recovery rooms."

"Your mother was in a big open-heart surgery the day you were born," Thatcher said. "She ignored her contractions for three hours so that she could see the whole thing. The lead surgeon had her doing post-op notes when her water finally broke…they didn't have time to get her to maternity before you were born."

"Why are you telling me this?" Meredith asked, her voice growing shaky with emotion.

"She was convinced that you were going to be a boy," Thatcher continued, ignoring Meredith's question. "She had a name picked out and everything; wouldn't even listen to any ideas I might have. She was dead-set on naming you Joseph. I think it caught her off-guard when you turned out to be a girl, actually. She didn't have anything picked out. I'm pretty sure that's the only way I managed to be able to name you."

"You named me?" Meredith asked in surprise.

"I guess that's not something your mother would have told you," Thatcher said quietly, his voice betraying his overall exhaustion. "Yes, I named you…I named you after my grandmother, actually. I always thought names should mean something."

"And my middle name?" Meredith asked.

"Joanna was your mother's idea," Thatcher said. "All she'd tell me is that it was important to her…she never would say why. It drove my mother absolutely nuts…but then, she was never your mother's biggest fan."

"Oh?" Meredith asked casually, eager for more information.

"My mother was a very strict Catholic," Thatcher said with a dry laugh. "I think the fact that I was having a shotgun wedding…"

"Don't worry," Meredith said, correctly interpreting the horrified look that crossed Thatcher's face as he uttered those words. "I already knew about that."

"Right," Thatcher nodded in surprise. "Well, that didn't sit well with her. She'd already decided she didn't like your mother before I ever even brought her home to meet her. She tried everything to make your mother crack that first visit."

"Let me guess," Meredith said. "It didn't work."

"Even then, Ellis was a spitfire," Thatcher agreed. "My mother threw every book of the Bible at her, and Ellis threw them right back…my mother lived to be ninety-five years old, and I'm fairly certain your mother was the only person to ever beat her in a battle of scripture. Every verse she had to condemn us, Ellis had one to defend us…it was stunning."

"My mother knew the Bible?" Meredith asked in shock.

"Your mother was always full of surprises," Thatcher said. "I think that's one of the things that drew me to her…you never knew what was going to happen next with Ellis.

"What do you know about her maiden name?" Meredith asked impulsively, unable to hold back her curiosity. As much as she hated to admit it, despite the fact that she despised the man lying before her, he was still – at least as far as she knew – the only living person who could answer her questions.

"What about it?" Thatcher asked.

"Why did she change it?" Meredith asked. "I know the name she was born with wasn't the one she was using when she married you. Why? Was she married before you?"

"No…no, that wasn't it," Thatcher said thoughtfully. "I didn't know it wasn't Mitchell until we went down to City Hall for the marriage license; she told me it wasn't important."

"And you just accepted that?" Meredith asked.

"I asked," Thatcher protested. "I asked, and I asked, and I asked…it never did any good. Your mother never changed her mind once she'd made it up, and she'd made up her mind to keep that secret to herself."

"So, you've got no idea at all?" Meredith asked.

"Well…" Thatcher began hesitantly. "I suppose I always assumed it had something to do with why she was so angry with her father."

"Her father?" Meredith asked in surprise.

"Yes," Thatcher nodded, not surprised to see that Ellis had likely not told Meredith anything of her family. "He…well, he came to see her once…just showed up on the doorstep one day. Actually, it was just a few weeks after you were born…"

_Thatcher smiled as leaned over the bassinet in the study, which had been haphazardly converted into a downstairs nursery-extension of sorts, carefully adjusting the blankets covering his newborn daughter, his hand freezing over her chest as the doorbell rang._

"_Shhh…" he whispered gently. "Don't wake up, Meredith. I'll get it."_

_Slowly easing himself up, Thatcher glanced into the kitchen as he made his way to the door, smiling briefly at the sight of his wife, who had barely shifted in her chair, her pen clutched in her hand and her head resting on the wrinkled pages of a medical textbook._

"_Can I help you?" Thatcher asked, quietly opening the front door, hoping to avoid disturbing his sleeping family._

"_I hope so," a tall, middle-aged man with salt-and-pepper hair replied, shifting nervously as he held tightly to a slip of paper in his hand. "I hope I have the right address."_

"_Are you looking for someone?" Thatcher asked somewhat impatiently._

"_Well, yes, actually," the man said, extending his hand to Thatcher. "I'm Ben Roberts."_

"_Thatcher Grey," Thatcher replied, shaking the man's hand, still looking quite confused. "I'm sorry, is there something I can do for you, Mr. Roberts?"_

"_I'm looking for Ellis," Ben said anxiously. "Like I said, I hope Sarah gave me the right address…she wasn't quite certain on the numbers."_

"_She's…" Thatcher began to respond._

"_What the hell are you doing here?"_

_At the sound of Ellis' voice, still laced with the utter exhaustion that comes only from caring for a newborn, both men whirled around to find her standing just behind Thatcher, a look of shock and distrust clouding her features._

"_Ellie," Ben said with a slight smile. "I know, I probably should have called first…I just wasn't sure if you'd even take my calls."_

"_Thatcher, would you give us a minute, please?" Ellis asked, her voice surprisingly gentle as her gaze never wavered from staring down the older man in front of her._

"_Yeah, um, sure," Thatcher stammered. "I'll…uh…I'll be in the kitchen if you need me."_

"_I'm only going to ask you once more," Ellis said as Thatcher stepped out of the room, pausing just far enough into the kitchen that he could still hear every word being said. "What the hell are you doing here, Dad?"_

"_I came to see you," Ben said. "I missed you, Ellie…we've all missed you."_

"_Right," Ellis scoffed. "I'm sure. And you just had to come all the way out here to tell me that in person?"_

"_Sarah told me you'd gotten married," Ben said. "She said you were having a baby, starting a family of your own…I just thought, maybe now that some time had past…"_

"_Eleven years," Ellis interrupted. "It's been eleven years…what did you think, you could just show up and I'd throw myself into your arms and everything would be alright? After everything that happened?"_

"_Of course not," Ben sighed. "Forgiveness takes time, Ellie, believe me, I know that. But your mother…"_

"_Don't you even bring that woman into this," Ellis spat. "That woman may have given birth to me, but she is not my mother. You may have forgiven her for what she did to me, but I never will."_

"_Ellis, please," Ben sighed. "We all were in a bad place that summer, you should know that better than anyone. Everyone dealt with it in their own way."_

"_You cannot seriously be defending her," Ellis said incredulously. "Oh, no, of course you are. She always did come first…your wife over your children, no matter what the cost."_

"_She made a mistake, Ellie," Ben said. "Everyone makes mistakes…no one can be a perfect parent."_

"_She wasn't a parent at all," Ellis argued. "I get it, she was in a bad place, you were in a bad place, I was in a bad place…the whole family was in a bad place. But she was my mother; a mother is not supposed to turn her back on her child. No matter what, a mother does not give up her child."_

"_She didn't give you up, Ellie, you know that's not what happened," Ben said._

"_She put me on a bus and told me it would be better for me not to come back," Ellis pointed out. "How the hell was I supposed to interpret that?"_

"_Your mother and I both love you, Ellis," Ben said. "We always have, nothing that happened changed that."_

"_You love me?" Ellis asked with a dry laugh. "Of course you do. So you standing by as she sent me away? Was that love? Because if that's your idea of love, screw it; I'd rather not have it."_

"_Ellis…" Ben began, pausing as the cries of an infant broke the tension in the room._

"_And now you've gone and woken up the baby," Ellis snapped, turning to leave the room. "If you know what's good for you, you won't be here when I come back"_

_As Ellis hurried back to the study, Thatcher stepped tentatively out of the kitchen and into the entryway, where a stunned Ben was staring after his daughter's retreating form._

"_I just thought…" he began absently._

"_I, uh…I think you'd better leave," Thatcher said, motioning toward the door._

"_Right," Ben nodded, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a thin envelope. "I have to leave in the morning. Do you think you could give this to her? Her sister asked me to bring it to her."_

"_I can try," Thatcher said. "I don't know that she'll read it, but I can try."_

"_Thank you," Ben said, handing Thatcher the envelope. "You'll…you'll take care of her, won't you?"_

"_Ellis isn't exactly the type of woman who needs taking care of," Thatcher pointed out. "I'm not going to hurt her, if that's what you mean."_


	7. Sentimental Hogwash

**A/N:** Again, thank you all for your patience as I get this story written amidst a whole lot of chaos - I hate that I can't update as often as I used to, because I just have so many good twists and turns that I want to share with you all! It's taking a lot of self-control not to just spill it all in one chapter! I realize that some of what comes up in last chapter, this one, and possibly the next few, may be a bit confusing - just stick with, I promise it will all make sense eventually...and just remember, things aren't always what they seem!

* * *

"I cannot believe the four of you would be so insanely stupid!" Derek yelled as he stood in front of Cristina, Lexie, Molly and Eric. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"Hey, don't drag me into this one," Cristina protested. "I told them it was a bad idea, I told them not to let her go in."

"What on earth possessed you to think this could possibly be a good idea?" Derek asked, turning back to Meredith's sisters.

"We didn't make her do anything, Derek," Lexie insisted. "No one forced her into that room; no one said she had to go see him."

"All we did was relay a message," Molly added. "Dad said he wanted to see her, if she was here and if she wanted to see him. That's what we told her…we even told her she didn't have to do it, that we didn't expect her to do it."

"But the point is, she did go see him," Derek said. "Do you have any idea how much damage that man has done to her? You don't – none of you do. You have no idea the extent of what he did to her, and you just let her walk in there."

"He's not going to hurt her," Molly said. "He's in a hospital bed, Derek. He's got eight broken ribs, a broken arm, a broken shoulder…he's not exactly in any condition to do damage to anyone."

"I'm not talking about physical damage," Derek pointed out. "I'm talking about the emotional damage that man inflicts every time he steps back into her life. Nothing good has ever come from that relationship…you're all fools if you think that today will be any different."

"Derek, I think you need to calm down," Eric said tentatively. "No one did anything malicious here; no one set out to hurt anyone. We don't even know what's going on in there. Maybe we should just wait this out, see what happens."

"You think I'm just going to wait around?" Derek asked. "Not likely."

"You don't have to," Cristina said, instantly drawing Derek's attention. "She's out."

Following Cristina's gaze, Derek let out a breath of relief as he saw his wife slowly making her way down the hall toward them.

"So, how'd it go?" Cristina asked bluntly as Meredith joined the group. "You kick his ass?"

"Cristina Yang!" Lexie exclaimed, a scolding tone in her voice.

"What?" Cristina asked in confusion. "He deserved it if she did."

"It was fine," Meredith said vaguely, slipping her hand into Derek's. "Are you ready to go home now?"

"Whenever you are," Derek assured her.

"Let's go, then," Meredith said. "Lexie, call me if you guys need anything, alright? I'll come by when I get in tomorrow."

"Sure," Lexie nodded, nervously shoving her hands inside her front pockets, concerned that she and Molly had somehow messed up their relationship with their sister.

"I'll see you tomorrow, then," Meredith said, offering a small reassuring smile before she and Derek turned to head toward the elevators.

"Oh, and Cristina?" Meredith said, pausing and looking back at the group. "Go pick up your damn lab results already, will you? You're cranky when you're nervous."

* * *

Meredith lay quietly in bed that night, listening to the soothing rhythm of Derek's breathing, staring at the ceiling as her mind replayed the day's events over and over again.

She'd been surprised by Thatcher's lack of knowledge of her mother's history, but she supposed she really shouldn't be. Ellis Grey's life was anything but an open book, and as much as she might have wished otherwise, Meredith knew her father never would have pushed the issue. All he could give her now were crumbs, little tidbits to pique her curiosity, but never complete enough to contain any actual useful information.

No, if she was going to get answers, it was going to take some digging – the exact thing that, just a day earlier, she'd been so adamant about never doing.

She couldn't quite put her finger on why things felt different now. Her mother was still dead and no amount of understanding her past was going to bring her back. Even if it could, Ellis herself would probably kill Meredith for digging up things she'd long since buried. So why she felt so drawn to this was a complete mystery to her.

But drawn to it she was, and the possibilities of what she might find out were keeping her wide awake in spite of the exhausting day she'd just had. Why had her mother left home? What exactly had her grandfather done to her? Thatcher had mentioned a sister…how many relatives did Meredith have out there somewhere who she didn't even know existed?

Glancing over to ensure that Derek was still sound asleep, Meredith quietly slipped out from under the covers, being careful not to disturb her husband, and quickly made her way down the hall to the small study she'd created in one of the extra bedrooms. If she was going to get answers, she knew exactly where she needed to start.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Meredith found herself still sitting at the desk, staring at the unopened box in front of her. It hadn't taken her long to retrieve it from the back of the closet, where she'd stored it as soon as she had moved into the house. There was nothing physically keeping her from removing the lid, but nevertheless, there she sat, paralyzed at the thought of actually opening it.

A bit larger than a shoe box, made of wood, with intricate designs etched into the lid, Meredith couldn't recall a time when her mother hadn't had this box in her bedroom. It had been there in Seattle, it had made the trip to Boston and to each of the three houses they'd lived in there, and it had been the only item that Ellis had insisted on taking with her into the nursing home.

What it contained, though, was a complete mystery to Meredith. As a child, she'd been strictly forbidden from opening the box. _It's none of your business_, Ellis would tell her when she asked. As far as Meredith could tell, Ellis herself rarely, if ever, opened the box. The layer of dust that always lined the lid when they lived in Boston was never disturbed, and the box sat tucked away in a far corner of the room, so that anyone not specifically looking for it would look right past without a second thought.

After Ellis had passed away, Meredith had brought the box home with her, but even then, even with her mother no longer alive, she couldn't bring herself to open it, not when Ellis had been so insistent that Meredith never touch the box. Whatever it contained, it had been extremely important to Ellis, and Meredith was certain that that was what frightened her the most. She wasn't entirely sure that she really wanted to know what it was that her mother had considered important…other than surgery, what was it that had mattered to her?

With a final deep breath to clear her nerves, Meredith closed her eyes and carefully lifted the lid from the box and set it to the side. Slowly forcing her eyes to open, she glanced down to find a surprising collection of photographs, newspaper clippings and other personal memorabilia.

_Looks just like a typical memory box,_ Meredith mused to herself. _What was it Mom always called things like this? 'Sentimental hogwash,' I think, or something like that._

Shaking her head, Meredith reached into the box and removed the photograph from the top of the stack only to find an image of her mother staring back at her, a half-smile playing at her lips as she sat in a rocking chair, awkwardly cradling her newborn daughter in her arms. Running her fingers over the image, she couldn't help but to smile as she ran her fingers over the image, wondering just how long the picture-perfect moment had lasted after the camera was gone.

Moving on, Meredith set the picture to the side and pulled out a faded envelope, the seal broken and the edges frayed, as though the contents had been removed and replaced many times over the years. Carefully taking the single sheet of paper out of the envelope, Meredith felt her heart quicken slightly as she realized that this must be the letter Thatcher had told her about, the one her grandfather had delivered to her mother.

Slowly unfolding the paper, her eyes darted over the handwriting, taking in the distinct similarities it held to her own mother's…

_My dearest Ellis,_

_How can I even know where to begin this letter? It seems such a strange thing for me to be doing, sitting here, writing to you. I'm sure it's partly because it has been so long since we've been in contact, but I think that more than anything, it feels strange because it's so wrong that we should even be in this situation at all. How has it been eleven years that you've been gone? How is it possible that you managed to drift so far away? When did we get to the point that I'm actually nervous writing to you? You're my baby sister, and I honestly find my hands shaking as I sit here._

_Everyone here misses you, Ellie, and I know we'd all be thrilled if you'd come home, even if just for a visit. You wouldn't believe how things have changed since you left. Of course, I'm certain things have changed with you as well. Did I hear correctly that Aunt Sarah told Dad you've gotten married? And that you're having a baby? Perhaps you're already a mother as you read this; Dad wasn't quite clear on just how far along you were. Regardless, congratulations are in order. I only hope that one of these days, I'll have the opportunity to meet this new family of yours, to welcome them into our family._

_I'm not sure if it will make a difference in your decision, Ellis, but I think you should know that everyone here knows about what happened that spring – what really happened, not the version we all believed eleven years ago. Claire came to me about five years ago and told me what you'd done; this past year, she finally told the same truths to the rest of the family. It doesn't surprise me that you would do something like that, Ellis, but I dearly wish that you hadn't taken that responsibility upon yourself, not this time._

_Needless to say, Mother is wracked with guilt over the whole fiasco. I think she just can't believe that she didn't see what was going on, that she let her grief blind her to what should have been right in front of her eyes. I don't think she's spoken to Claire in nearly six months – which is quite the feat, considering the fact that Claire and Jimmy bought the old Cooper house, so they live right next to Mother and Dad. She'll come around, I'm sure, but it's been quite difficult for her to accept, as you can perhaps imagine.  
_

_I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you can come home without worrying about what will happen, Ellis. No one blames you for what happened, no one's holding a grudge, no one's angry anymore. In fact, I just know you'd be welcomed back with open arms – you and your new family._

_I hope and pray that we'll be seeing you soon, Ellie, but even if we don't, please know that you're in my prayers, that I miss you every day and that I love you – always and forever, baby girl, always and forever._

_All my love,_

_Catherine_

"Oh my God," Meredith muttered to herself as she set the sheet of paper down on the desk.

"Meredith?" Derek's voice startled her slightly as she turned to find her husband leaning against the doorframe, sleep still clouding his eyes as he watched her in confusion. "What are you doing up?"

"Couldn't sleep," Meredith shrugged, picking up the letter again. "Come read this."

"What is it?" Derek asked, taking the sheet from her hand and glancing down at it.

"Just read it," Meredith insisted, watching as Derek's eyes widened as he began the letter and quickly clouded over with the same intense confusion she'd felt as she read through Catherine's words.

"This is the letter Thatcher was talking about," Derek said questioningly.

"I think so," Meredith agreed.

"Where did you find it?" Derek asked.

"In Mom's box," Meredith said, nodding in the direction of the box sitting open on the desk.

"Is that the one you wouldn't let me touch?" Derek asked curiously, remembering Meredith's adamant refusal to allow him anywhere near that box when they'd been moving her things into the house.

"That's the one," Meredith nodded. "Apparently my mother was more sentimental than I thought…or at least she was at one point. Everything looks pretty old, so I don't think she'd added anything for years and years."

"Well, now that I'm up, we might as well see what we've got here," Derek said, grabbing a chair and pulling it across the room, taking a seat next to Meredith. Pulling a small, leather-bound book out of the box, Derek frowned slightly as he turned it over. "I thought you said Ellis wasn't religious?"

"She wasn't," Meredith said. "She didn't really believe in much of anything, at least that I know of. Every now and then I'd ask her about it, and she'd just shake her head and say something like, 'Meredith, if God existed, do you think I'd be half as busy as I am every day?'"

"So why did she keep a Bible?" Derek asked, holding the book up for Meredith to see.

"Seriously?" Meredith asked in surprise, reaching out to take the book from Derek. "I…wow. Definitely not what I expected to find in here."

"Open it up," Derek suggested. "Usually Bibles like that are gifts, and they have an inscription on the inside."

"Here it is," Meredith said, her voice dropping slightly as she ran her finger over the words on the first page.

_To our dearest baby sister, on your tenth birthday. Remember that His love is with you, and you will never be alone. We love you, always and forever, baby girl, always and forever._

_With all our best wishes, Catherine & Greg_

"Sounds like your aunt really cared about your mother," Derek commented.

"So why didn't she track her down?" Meredith asked. "It's not as though my mother was ever hard to find, Derek. And if she cared so much, why did she allow whatever the hell happened to my mother to happen?"

"Maybe there was nothing she could do," Derek offered. "After all, we don't know what happened."

"I suppose that's true," Meredith agreed reluctantly, reaching into the box and pulling out a photograph. "Oh my God, would you look at this."

"Is that your mother?" Derek asked in shock.

"I think so," Meredith said. "It's just…she looks so…so…"

"Happy," Derek filled in, carefully taking the photograph out of Meredith's hand, both of them still staring in disbelief at the young teenager beaming up at them from the frame, her long auburn hair blowing slightly in the breeze as she leaned against a red convertible, a young man standing next to her with his arm slung casually around her shoulder.

"Yeah," Meredith sighed. "Happy. Look at her eyes, Derek…they sparkle."

"They look a lot like yours," Derek observed, glancing up to find Meredith's eyes brimming with tears. Instinctively reaching out, he slipped his hand over her forearm to comfort her. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"I don't know," Meredith admitted. "I just…I wasn't sure she knew how."

"Knew how to what?" Derek asked in confusion.

"Be happy," Meredith said. "It's stupid, right? Of course she knew how to be happy. Who doesn't know how to be happy? It's just that I never saw it, you know? Not when she was with Thatcher, not when she was with Richard, not when she was alone. I saw her smile, sure, but never like that…and I wasn't sure she knew how."

"It's not stupid," Derek assured her. "I never really thought about it, but I probably assumed the same thing about her."

"I'm glad," Meredith said, still staring at the picture in front of her. "I'm glad that she was happy, at least at some point. Everyone deserves that, at least once in their lives, I think."

Derek didn't reply, he just smiled and squeezed Meredith's hand in silent support.

"Let's see what else is in here," Meredith suggested, eagerly pulling the box closer to her and reaching inside.


	8. Stunningly Normal

**A/N:** You know that moment when things finally click and you feel like you can breathe again? Yeah, I'm there...which means much more time for updating my stories. Yay!

* * *

"I don't get it," Meredith said in frustration, laying the last picture back inside the box. "I've got a box full of information, but all I have is more questions than when I opened it."

"They're good pieces, though," Derek pointed out. "Pieces we didn't have before you opened the box."

"Pieces that don't tell us anything," Meredith said.

"They tell us that there's a lot more to your mother's story than we might have thought," Derek said. "They tell us that you have a family out there somewhere."

"They're not my family," Meredith insisted.

"Mer, I know you don't know them…" Derek began.

"And why is that?" Meredith asked. "Why don't I know them, Derek? Why did my mother stay away from them for all those years? There had to be a reason…if they did something to drive her away, why would I want anything to do with them?"

"You wouldn't," Derek agreed. "But don't you think that maybe, just maybe, you're getting a little ahead of yourself there?"

"How?" Meredith asked in confusion.

"Well," Derek said, carefully weighing his words as he spoke. "I just think that there's a lot more to this story than what we know. If you really think about it, we don't even have one side of the story, let alone both sides…all we have is your mother's name change, Thatcher's memories and a letter written over thirty years ago."

"Which clearly tell us that something big happened," Meredith argued. "Something that my mother's parents did that they shouldn't have."

"I just don't want you to miss out on something because we didn't get all the facts," Derek said.

"And you think I'm missing something," Meredith said knowingly.

"Do you remember when you were an intern, when Thatcher and Susan brought Molly into the hospital?" Derek asked.

"How could I forget?" Meredith replied. "What exactly are you getting at?"

"Thatcher screwed up," Derek said. "Molly and Lexie…Susan too, to some extent…they were innocent bystanders in the whole situation, remember?"

"So what's your point?" Meredith asked impatiently. "That not everyone in my mother's family screwed up? That if I don't go find them, I'll be missing some deep, life-changing relationship?"

"Maybe," Derek said. "Maybe not. I don't know, Meredith, I don't know your mother's family. I'm just saying…three years ago, you almost turned your back on Molly and Lexie completely, all because of something Thatcher did – or I guess, in his case, didn't do."

"And I don't know that my mother's whole family screwed up, right?" Meredith guessed.

"No, you don't," Derek agreed. "Look, I can't say for certain that finding your mother's family will lead to anything – heck, I don't even know how many family members we're talking about here – but you can't say for certain that it won't."

"I don't know," Meredith sighed reluctantly. "What if they don't want anything to do with me?"

"Then they're absolutely insane," Derek said assuredly, leaning in to plant a kiss on Meredith's cheek. "In which case, you don't want them around anyway."

"I'm serious, Derek," Meredith insisted with a laugh.

"So I am," Derek said. "Look, all I can say for sure is that this letter you have – the one from your aunt, Catherine – doesn't make it sound like your mother's family hated her in any way. Whatever happened, Catherine at least seemed to really care about your mother."

"She did, didn't she?" Meredith agreed with a small smile. "She seemed to really care a lot."

"Enough that I think she'd probably love to hear from her long-lost niece," Derek said.

"I wouldn't even know where to start," Meredith said. "I don't even know her last name, Derek. I don't know where she lived then, where she lives now…I haven't got a clue how to find this woman. I mean, for all I know, she's dead and gone like my mother."

"Well, I don't want to push…" Derek began hesitantly.

"You really want to call your cousin, don't you?" Meredith interrupted with a knowing smile. "The detective?"

"I just think he might be able to help," Derek said with a slight shrug of his shoulders. "Besides, Andy's a great guy…he didn't get to come out for the wedding, and I think you'd really like him."

"Okay," Meredith said. "Okay, you can call your cousin…but make sure he knows that this is private, alright? I don't want my mother's life plastered all over some report somewhere."

* * *

"Good Lord, took you long enough to get here," Cristina commented as Meredith walked into the locker room the next morning.

"My shift doesn't start for another half an hour," Meredith pointed out. "And you…you're not even on today, so what are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you," Cristina said nonchalantly.

"I have a phone if you need to talk," Meredith said. "You don't need to stalk me in the locker room."

"More fun this way," Cristina shrugged. "So, you been to see Daddy-dearest yet today?"

"No," Meredith said. "And I'm not sure I intend to. I think yesterday was a one time thing."

"Good," Cristina said. "'Cause McDreamy sure was pissed that you went in there. Really, you've got to get a less protective husband. The one you've got is getting a little annoying."

"Cristina, you've always found Derek annoying," Meredith laughed. "And it's too late to get a new one; I've grown sort of attached to the husband that I have."

"You really are going sappy, aren't you?" Cristina asked in annoyance.

"Alright, what are you really doing here?" Meredith asked impatiently, shrugging her lab coat over her shoulders as she turned to face her friend. "I know you just finished a 48 hour shift, so don't think that I'm buying that whole waiting for me crap. Why aren't you at home in bed?"

"Rick's at home," Cristina admitted reluctantly.

"And that's…" Meredith began to question Cristina, pausing as yesterday's conversation came rushing back to her. "Right. I take it you picked up your lab results?"

"Yeah," Cristina said.

"And…?" Meredith asked anxiously.

"You're not going to go all squealy and try to hug me and start buying onesies, are you?" Cristina asked.

"Do I look like Izzie?" Meredith asked sarcastically.

"Just had to check," Cristina shrugged. "Marriage is making you sort of soft, so I just wanted to be sure."

"So you're pregnant," Meredith concluded with a small smile. "And you're keeping the baby, aren't you?"

"Whatever," Cristina sighed, refusing to meet Meredith's gaze. "So, I'm having a kid? It's not a big deal. People do it all the time…people who are a lot more screwed up than I am. Hell, you'll probably even have a kid someday."

"Hey!" Meredith protested. "I am not more screwed up than you are."

"Says who?" Cristina asked indignantly.

"Says me," Meredith said. "Besides, if and when I do get pregnant, I'm not going to hide from my own husband to avoid telling him."

"I am not hiding," Cristina insisted.

"So if I called Rick and told him to come meet you here, you wouldn't freak out?" Meredith asked.

"You wouldn't dare," Cristina countered.

"Oh, I would," Meredith said mischievously. "Unfortunately, I'm going to be late for rounds, so I don't have time to sort out your relationship troubles."

"I do not have relationship troubles," Cristina said defensively.

"Right," Meredith nodded skeptically, slinging her stethoscope around her neck. "Go home, Cristina. Talk to your husband…he's a good guy, he might surprise you."

* * *

"Hey Meredith, have you got a minute?" Molly asked, cornering Meredith as she exited the locker room.

"I'm already late for my rounds," Meredith said, glancing anxiously at her watch and then over at her sister. "Is something wrong? Did something happen with Thatcher?"

"No, no, he's still…well, he's the same," Molly said. "I just think I need to apologize."

"For what?" Meredith asked in confusion.

"Yesterday," Molly said. "Lexie and I, we didn't mean to pressure you into anything when we told you that he wanted to see you. I don't know, maybe we should have made it more clear that you totally didn't have to do it, but I think maybe I just…"

"Molly," Meredith interrupted gently. "No one forced me to do anything. It's really okay."

"You didn't mind?" Molly asked.

"Look, Molly, Thatcher and I are never going to have a relationship," Meredith said. "Yesterday…trust me, there was no pressure there, Molly. I know you and Lexie wanted me to see him, but I knew you weren't going to hold it against me if I didn't go. I went because I needed closure, and now I have it."

"So it didn't help?" Molly asked.

"I wouldn't say that," Meredith said. "Like I said, I needed to see him again, I think. I needed to say things to him, things that he needed to hear…and now I have. It's not going to be the start of something new, though, Molly. I'm sorry if that's what you wanted it to be, but there's too much history there, too much that's happened…"

"The things you won't tell us," Molly said.

"Things you don't need to know," Meredith said. "Molly, I've told you, he screwed up with me. He dropped the ball in ways you can't even imagine…but he didn't with you and Lexie, and I don't want what happened to me to bias you against him. I shouldn't be the reason you don't have a relationship with your father."

"It's not you," Molly said, a hint of sadness in your voice. "No, that's all on him, Mer."

"Yeah," Meredith sighed knowingly.

"You know, he wasn't even upset," Molly said. "When he found out that Lexie was getting married, or that I'd had a little boy…he wasn't upset, he wasn't regretful that he didn't know. He was pissed, as though he had some right to know those things and we'd been denying him that right. It's like he's not even in the same reality as the rest of us."

"Sometimes, I don't think he is," Meredith said.

"I do wonder about one thing, though," Molly said.

"What's that?" Meredith asked.

"If our father is delusional, how did we end up so stunningly normal?" Molly asked, a slight smile playing at her lips as she tried to keep a straight face.

Meredith glanced skeptically at her sister, trying to read her expression for a moment, before shaking her head as they both burst out laughing, completely oblivious to the curious glances of the nurses and interns passing by.


	9. Found

**A/N:** Alright, I struggled a bit with just how much to put into this chapter...I hope that you don't think it's too sparse (or too dense?). What it's doing is really setting the scene for the next chapter, which I have to say is turning out to be alternately the easiest and hardest thing I've ever written. I think you'll see why when it goes up later this week/early next. In the meantime, enjoy the new chapter!

* * *

"Would you hurry up?" Meredith asked impatiently as she slipped into the passenger seat of Cristina's car a few weeks later.

"Hold your horses, I'm coming," Cristina snapped, tossing her bag into the backseat and reaching across the console to grab a piece of chocolate from the glove compartment.

"Hungry?" Meredith asked in amusement.

"Shut up," Cristina said. "Just because most women don't start with the cravings until late in the second trimester doesn't mean I can't have them already. I always ahead of the curve."

"If you say so," Meredith laughed. "I hope Rick is keeping the apartment well stocked with chocolate, then."

"Of course he is," Cristina said. "You should have seen his face when I woke him up at three in the morning the other day to tell him we were out. I think he seriously thought about hurting me…but he's too attached to the idea of the kid now to do anything about it."

"Well, I'm glad the two of you worked things out," Meredith said. "And maybe next time, you'll listen to me and talk to him sooner, instead of hiding. Think of all the stress you could have avoided."

"Oh, don't start with me," Cristina sighed. "I'm the one doing you a favor today…"

"You owed me, remember?" Meredith asked. "It's just one afternoon."

"I don't see why I have to come with you, though," Cristina huffed as she pulled out of the parking lot of Seattle Grace and headed in the direction of Meredith and Derek's house. "He's McDreamy's cousin, let him deal with it with you."

"Derek will be there," Meredith said. "But he's my husband. You're my person. There's a difference in perspective there."

"Yeah, because he supports this wild goose chase," Cristina said. "And I'm not afraid to tell you that it's a ridiculous waste of time."

"It is not a waste of time," Meredith insisted. "If you knew nothing about your mother, wouldn't you want to?"

"No," Cristina said. "I would assume there was a very good reason I didn't know those things, and I'd leave it alone. Meredith, your mother was an insanely talented surgeon with crappy people skills, who sucked as a parent. That's just who she was. What exactly are you looking to learn here?"

"Honestly?" Meredith asked with a sigh. "You'd think it was stupid."

"Probably," Cristina agreed. "Try me anyway."

"Alright," Meredith agreed. "I need to know why."

"Why what?" Cristina asked.

"I need to know why my mother couldn't be happy," Meredith said. "I need to know why she couldn't connect with people, why she shut herself off from the world. I need to know what made her the way she was."

"You're right, I think it's stupid," Cristina said. "Your mother was who she was, Meredith. Why can't you just leave it at that?"

"Because there has to be more," Meredith insisted. "There has to be a reason, something that made her that way. Because if there's not, then…"

"Then what?" Cristina asked. "Then it's genetic and you're destined to be a crappy mother too?"

Meredith bit her lower lip and quickly turned her head to stare out the window, her silence giving Cristina all the answer she needed.

"You've got to be kidding me," Cristina said, turning slightly to stare at Meredith out of the corner of her eye. "Seriously?"

"Is it really that unreasonable?" Meredith asked, her voice trembling slightly. "I know I want to have kids with Derek at some point, but how can I do that if I don't know that I can be a good mother? How can I risk being just like my mother?"

"It's a risk," Cristina shrugged. "But it's not just you, Meredith. Nobody knows that they're going to be a good mother. Hell, I'm more likely to be like your mother than you are, but I'm having this kid anyway, aren't I? Besides, you've got Derek. If you screw up, he'll be the freaking father of the year or something."

"I just need to know that there was a reason," Meredith said. "I need to know what made Ellis Grey the woman she was…I know it sounds crazy, Cristina, but I _know_ that there's more to her story. It's like I can feel it or something."

"You feel it," Cristina repeated sarcastically. "Good Lord, Meredith, you'd better watch out; you're turning into Sydney Heron. If you start hugging people left and right, we're done."

* * *

Meredith shifted nervously as she struggled to settle into her spot next to Derek on the living room couch, anxiously squeezing his hand as he exchanged small talk with his cousin.

"Can we hurry this up?" Cristina asked impatiently. "I don't have all day here; there are surgeries waiting with my name all over them at the hospital."

"Cristina," Meredith gasped. "Seriously, I want you here for support, but if you're going to be bitchy all afternoon, you don't have to stay."

"Oh come on, blame the hormones," Cristina snapped. "Eddie won't know the difference."

"It's Andy, actually," Derek's cousin corrected her.

"Whatever," Cristina said.

"We can get started, if you'd like," Andy said, setting down his coffee mug.

"I think that would be best," Meredith nodded.

"Alright, well, before I get into the details, I just want to remind you that what I was able to put together is really a very cursory overview," Andy said. "You'd really need an actual private investigator for more details – someone who could pore over records, go through county archives and old newspapers, things like that; I just don't have the time or the resources to do that, unfortunately."

"Cursory is still better than what I've got now," Meredith assured him.

"I guess I should start at the beginning, then," Andy said, reaching into the folders to pull out the first set of paperwork. "I assume you've seen your mother's birth certificate?"

"Yes," Meredith said.

"Good," Andy nodded. "Well, all of that information is accurate. Your mother was born Ellis Pauline Roberts, on January 11, 1949, to Benjamin and Virginia Roberts. Now, sixty years ago, birth certificates were not as detailed as they are now, so I'm afraid there are no records of birth weight, mother's age, even hospital of birth…if she was even born in a hospital. I did manage to match the serial number from the certificate with a state database, though."

"So you know where she was born?" Meredith asked eagerly.

"I can tell you it was in Illinois," Andy said. "Beyond that, I can't be more specific."

"Okay," Meredith said. "Well, that's better than nothing."

"After that, the next record I have is of Ellis Roberts graduating from high school," Andy said. "Top of her class, according to school records."

"Not surprising," Cristina said.

"Ellis wouldn't have had it any other way, I'm sure," Derek agreed.

"Yes, well, she graduated from West Chicago High School in 1966," Andy said. "It would appear that somewhere along the way, she got pushed ahead a grade level, which is why she finished high school younger than most of her class."

"That's my mother for you," Meredith said with a small smile. "Did you find anything at all on why she would have been using a different name?"

"I was actually getting to that next," Andy said. "On January 12, 1967, the day after your mother turned 18, she filed a petition at the Cook County courthouse, asking the court to legally change her name to Ellis Mitchell."

"Did it say why?" Meredith asked.

"I wish it did," Andy said with a sympathetic smile. "All I know is she checked the box for 'personal reasons', but that's fairly standard and doesn't really tell us much of anything."

"So, we really don't know anything new," Meredith sighed. "We just have a tiny bit more documentation."

"Not entirely," Andy said. "There were two things that I found that I think might be of particular interest."

"Well, let hear it," Cristina insisted.

"The first thing, Meredith, is that I managed to pull your parents' divorce records," Andy said.

"Is that a big deal?" Derek asked in confusion. "Couldn't anyone just walk into the courthouse and do that?"

"Normally, yes," Andy said. "Meredith's parents, however, apparently didn't want that to happen, as the records of their proceedings were sealed by a judge."

"Why would a judge do that?" Meredith asked.

"He wouldn't," Andy said. "Not unless one of your parents requested it, and not without proof that leaving the court records in the public record would put the physical or emotional wellbeing of one of the involved parties at risk."

"So how'd you get it?" Cristina asked.

"I have connections," Andy said, placing two thick folders onto the coffee table. "Meredith, I think you're going to want to see these records."

"Both of those?" Meredith asked in surprise. "I guess I didn't expect much…I mean, was it really even that long of a hearing?"

"Which one?" Andy asked. "The divorce took eight months of weekly court hearings to resolve."

"Eight months?" Meredith repeated in shock.

"They sure must have been fighting it out," Derek commented.

"But they didn't have anything to fight over," Meredith said.

"There was one thing that they both wanted," Andy said.

"What?" Meredith asked, completely at a loss as to what could have forced her parents into such a lengthy and drawn out battle.

"You," Andy said simply.

"Me?" Meredith repeated. "No, my parents didn't fight over me. My father didn't want me, so my mother got stuck with me. There was no fight."

"The record begs to differ," Andy said, handing Meredith the file. "As you can see from the initial filing, it was your mother who initiated the divorce; in her initial petition, she requested joint custody."

"That doesn't make any sense," Derek said. "How could she move to Boston if she were sharing custody?"

"We didn't move until a year after Thatcher moved out," Meredith said. "She hadn't been offered the job in Boston yet…is that when they changed the custody agreement?"

"Actually, joint custody was never the agreement," Andy said. "It was just your mother's request at the time she filed the petition to dissolve the marriage."

"So what happened?" Cristina asked, finding herself strangely intrigued by the turn of events.

"Thatcher counter-filed," Meredith said, stunned by the realization that hit her as she flipped to the next page of the file.

"Yes, he did," Andy confirmed. "If you read through that one, though, you'll see it isn't exactly as polite as your mother's filing. Thatcher requested full legal and physical custody; he claimed Ellis was an unfit mother, that she was neglectful and wouldn't be able to provide for you. It was after Thatcher counter-filed that Ellis changed her initial request for joint custody and began seeking sole custody as well."

"He was probably right," Meredith said. "Does it say in here why the judge disagreed? Why my mother ended up with sole custody?"

"There never was a judgment issued, actually," Andy said. "There are about twenty-five hearings in the file, but all of them were preliminary. They were still a few months away from any sort of final judgment when they reached the agreement."

"The agreement?" Cristina asked. "You mean after all of that, that jackass agreed to leave her with Ellis?"

"Why would he do that?" Meredith asked in confusion. "If he was so convinced that Ellis was an unfit mother, why would he just walk away like that?"

"I'm afraid the file doesn't give reasons, just events," Andy said. "All I can tell you is what's in there…after eight months, your mother's lawyer notified the judge that your parents had reached an out-of-court settlement. Two days later, Thatcher's lawyer submitted the settlement to the court, and three weeks after that, a judge certified it and declared the divorce final. A week after that, your mother's lawyer submitted a petition to seal the records."

"She did something," Meredith concluded, sinking back against Derek's chest as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "I don't know what, but she had to have done something to get Thatcher to give me up, and she was covering up for it."

"At this point, I think that's an answer only Thatcher can give you," Andy said.

"Right," Cristina scoffed. "Like she's going to actually speak to him again."

"You said there were two important things that you found," Derek interrupted, hoping to steer the conversation away from a potential argument.

"Right," Andy nodded, pulling out one last file. "Well, you told me that your mother had a sister."

"Catherine," Meredith said.

"Yes, Catherine," Andy said. "Knowing your mother's birth name, as well as her state of birth, I took a chance and searched the Illinois state records database for any mention of a Catherine Roberts."

"And?" Meredith asked anxiously.

"And I found her," Andy said, handing Meredith the file. "Catherine Roxanne Roberts, born March 12, 1936 to Benjamin and Virginia Roberts; married Gregory Harrington, June 14, 1954, in Chicago, Illinois. After that, there's no record of them in Illinois."

"Why do I sense a 'but' coming?" Meredith asked hopefully.

"But," Andy continued with a small smile. "I did a national search, spent a little time on the internet…and I found her."

"When you say 'found her'…" Meredith began questioningly.

"She lives in Montana," Andy said. "Her address and phone number are in the file."

"Oh my God," Meredith sighed, running her fingers over the page. "You actually found her."


	10. Stronger

**A/N: **I love three day weekends...so much more time for writing! I don't have too much to say about this chapter - I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Meredith slowly took a sip of her coffee the next morning, glancing furtively at the folder sitting on the edge of the counter as she pretended to focus on the newspaper in front of her.

"You know, it's not going to kill you if you open it," Derek commented.

"Open what?" Meredith asked innocently.

"The folder you've been staring at for the last hour," Derek said, an amused smirk on his face. "The one with your aunt's address and phone number."

"I don't want to open it," Meredith protested.

"Sure you do," Derek countered. "That's why you keep staring at it. Just open it and write her a letter."

"What's the point?" Meredith asked. "What's she going to tell me that I don't already know?"

"Well, maybe why your mother left home," Derek pointed out. "Or why she changed her name. Maybe she can tell you the guy in the picture with your mother is. There are probably hundreds of things she could tell you about your mother that you don't know."

"Why do I need to know them?" Meredith asked. "I know, I feel like I do…but why? What is any of this going to tell me?"

"I'm afraid I can't answer that one for you," Derek said regretfully. "I don't know what you need to get out of this, but it's clear that you're looking for something…if I could give you the answers, I would, but I can't."

"This sucks," Meredith grumbled, setting her coffee mug down on the table with unnecessary force. "I think maybe I need to go back to therapy."

"You could always call Kathleen," Derek teased.

"Right," Meredith scoffed. "So she can tell everyone that we've only been married a month and I've already gone off the deep end? Yeah, that would be great for your reputation, Derek."

"How does everything with my sisters become an attack on me?" Derek asked with a confused laugh. "Is there some sort of sister code that you haven't let me in on?"

"Oh, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you," Meredith grinned, smacking Derek's hand away playfully.

"Not fair," Derek grumbled, pausing as Meredith's pager began to go off. "Do you need to go in?"

"It's Izzie," Meredith said with a smile. "We both need to be there…Callie's in labor."

"Well, it's about time," Derek said, quickly standing up to go grab their coats. "She's only, what? Two weeks overdue?"

"Haven't you learned anything as a married man?" Meredith asked. "Women are never on time, Derek."

* * *

"So it's true," Meredith said, leaning against the doorframe at the entrance to the hospital nursery, watching George standing next to a plastic crib. "Your wife went and had the baby, and you couldn't be bothered to call."

"Oh God, Mer, I'm sorry," George said, looking up to see her standing there with a serious look on her face. "It all just happened so fast…I mean, five hours ago we were at home and then her water broke and then…"

"I'm not mad, George," Meredith said, breaking out into a grin as she stepped into the nursery. "How's Callie?"

"Exhausted, but happy," George said with a smile. "She's resting right now."

"And the baby?" Meredith asked, stopping on the other side of the crib from George. "I'm assuming the pink means you have a daughter?"

"Emma," George nodded. "Emma Louise Torres-O'Malley."

"Good Lord, she's cute, George," Meredith said, looking down at the tiny baby wrapped in the pink blanket. "So, how's it feel to be a father?"

"Amazing," George said. "And overwhelming and wonderful and terrifying…what if I screw it all up?"

"You won't," Meredith assured him.

"How do you know that?" George asked.

"Because I know you and Callie," Meredith said. "Emma's going to have it all, George…she's going to be sweet and caring like you, and she's going to be strong and independent like Callie, and dedicated and loyal and smart as all get-out, just like both of you. She's going to be an amazing kid, George, and a really great woman someday…I'm sure of it."

"I hope you're right," George said, running a finger gently over his daughter's cheek as she stirred slightly.

Meredith smiled softly as she watched George interact with his daughter, feeling absolutely certain that she was right.

"Hey George?" Meredith asked hesitantly after a few moments. "Do you think I'm a good person?"

"What?" George asked, his head snapping up to look at Meredith in confusion.

"I'm serious," Meredith said. "Do you think that I'm a good person?"

"Of course I do," George assured her. "Why do you even have to ask that?"

"I don't know," Meredith sighed, shaking her head. "It's stupid."

"No, really, why?" George asked.

"It's just…I know Emma's going to be great, because you and Callie are great, and your parents were great…and I don't really know Callie's parents, but they seemed nice enough when I met them at the wedding," Meredith said. "So that's an easy one. But if I'm a good person, how did I get that way?"

"What do you mean?" George asked in confusion.

"I had a mother who couldn't have cared less about other people," Meredith said. "A woman who couldn't connect, who was never really happy, who couldn't pull herself out of her work long enough to notice the world around her. And then, on the other side of the coin, I had a father who turned his back on me every chance he got. If that's what I'm a combination of, how am I a good person?"

"Because you aren't them," George said. "You're more than just a combination of the two of them."

"So where does the rest come from?" Meredith asked.

"Um…I don't know," George admitted. "I think my mom would say it comes from God…I wasn't quite sure, but it's pretty hard not to believe it when you're looking at your own little baby."

"So it's just random?" Meredith asked.

"I don't know," George said. "Maybe you got whatever there was of your mother that was good, and whatever there was of your father that was good…and then you just sort of grew it into something more. I guess the point isn't how it happened…it's just important that it did."

"I guess," Meredith agreed half-heartedly, turning her attention back to the baby. "Okay, so did you pick godparents yet? Am I in?"

* * *

Meredith shook her head as she walked down the hall, turning around twice before forcing herself back in her original direction, silently cursing the internal debate raging in her head.

Finally, she stood in front of his door, taking a deep breath and pushing open the door.

"Meredith!" Molly exclaimed in surprise, looking up from packing a bag in the corner of the room, smiling at the sight of her sister. "We weren't expecting you today…we're just getting ready to take Dad home in a little bit."

"They're releasing me today," Thatcher said from his spot on the bed. "I'm…I'm really glad you came back, Meredith."

"I didn't come to talk," Meredith said, trying to keep a certain hardness in her voice.

"Oh?" Thatcher asked nervously.

"I just need one answer, Thatcher," Meredith said. "I need to know what you got for me. What did you trade me for?"

"Meredith, what are you talking about?" Molly asked in confusion.

"I'll bet you didn't them that little fact, did you, Thatcher?" Meredith asked angrily. "When you told my sisters about me, I'll bet you left out the part about how you traded me away."

"Dad?" Molly asked in concern. "What's going on?"

"I don't…Meredith, what are you…I didn't…" Thatcher stammered.

"You didn't what?" Meredith asked, arching her eyebrow slightly. "You didn't sign papers giving my mother sole legal and physical custody? You didn't waive any visitation rights?"

"Dad, tell her she's mistaken," Molly insisted. "You told us Ellis wouldn't let you see her…tell her what you told us…"

"You could have had joint custody," Meredith continued. "She _offered_ joint custody. I just need to know what it was, Thatcher. Was it something about me? Was I not good enough? Or did she give you something? What was it that would make you just give up like that?"

"I don't…" Thatcher began.

"Tell her," Molly interrupted tearfully. "For God's sake, tell the truth, Dad."

"She…our divorce wasn't final," Thatcher said. "It had been eight months…I never thought it would take that long…we just…the judge wouldn't declare anything until we…until we decided about you."

"So you gave me because you were that impatient?" Meredith asked. "It was that important for you to get out of your marriage?"

"I just…it needed to be fast," Thatcher admitted. "Ellis…she wouldn't give up the fight, and by that point, she wouldn't even talk about joint custody anymore. She said…she told me that if I wanted it quickly, I'd have to drop the custody suit."

"I don't get it," Molly shook her head. "I get that you didn't want to be married anymore, but why couldn't you keep fighting? You couldn't have been that far from getting a ruling, one way or the other."

"I just…it needed to be fast," Thatcher repeated. "I never thought…when we started planning, I never thought…and she didn't know…"

"Oh God," Meredith sighed, closing her eyes briefly and shaking her head as the realization dawned on her.

"What?" Molly asked in confusion. "What am I missing?"

"Susan," Meredith said quietly, casting a guilty look at her sister, knowing there was no way to skate around the truth to protect her.

"Mom?" Molly repeated. "Oh my God, of course…she always said she met you right after the divorce…but you were still married, weren't you?"

"We were separated," Thatcher said. "I thought by the time anything happened, it would all be over. I never thought…"

"You could have had joint custody," Meredith said. "But you just had to force her hand, didn't you? You couldn't be happy with me having two parents? My mother may have been cold, and she may have been tough, but she offered you joint custody. You're the one who insisted on all-or-nothing."

"I didn't think…" Thatcher began hesitantly.

"You never thought she'd fight for me, did you?" Meredith asked incredulously, interrupting Thatcher's half-hearted explanation. "You really thought you'd just ask for sole custody and she'd walk away."

"It wasn't…no," Thatcher admitted reluctantly. "I didn't expect Ellis to fight."

"And then when you couldn't get divorced quickly enough, you cut a deal," Meredith said. "She got me, and you got your divorce."

"I never intended…" Thatcher began.

"She would have understood," Molly interrupted. "Did you really think that Mom would be cruel enough to not want you to fight for Meredith? That she would have been okay with you just handing her over like that?"

"She didn't know," Thatcher repeated.

"How could you do that?" Molly asked angrily. "How could you just walk away from her? If things had gotten bad with us, would you have just up and left us too?"

"Molly, please," Thatcher said tentatively, reaching his hand out to her.

"No," Molly shook her head, stepping away from him. "I don't…I feel like I don't even know you, Dad. I was ready to forgive you, to give you another chance, to write it all off as you grieving Mom…but this? This I can't look past, Dad. You abandoned your daughter – what kind of a parent does that?"

"Molly," Thatcher sighed, leaning back against the pillows as he watched her storm out of the room. Turning back to Meredith, he just shook his head as she stood there watching him. "Did you have to do that in front of her? I know you don't know Molly and Lexie well, but Molly's a very sensitive woman…she didn't need to hear that. Are you happy now?"

"You think anything about this situation makes me happy?" Meredith asked angrily. "I wanted you to be the good guy, Thatcher. I expected that…when I opened those divorce records, I was ready for Ellis to be a bitch, and I was ready to see you fighting, like you always said you did. I _wanted_ you to be the good guy for once. If Molly heard something that you didn't want her to, that's your fault, not mine. I'm not the one who walked away from my child, Thatcher. That one's on you."

"Meredith, I…" Thatcher said hesitantly. "I don't know what you want me to say."

"I don't know, either," Meredith sighed. "I really just don't know, Thatcher…I thought I wanted an explanation, but there isn't one, at least not a good one. And I thought I wanted an apology, but I don't think there's anything that you could say that would make me believe an apology from you. So I guess we're through, Thatcher. Maybe that's what I came here to say."

"I suppose I deserve that," Thatcher said, a hint of sadness in his voice as he watched Meredith turn toward the door.

"And for the record," Meredith said, turning her head briefly back to glance at her father. "Despite everything you did to keep me away from your new family, I know Molly a lot better than you think I do, and she's a hell of a lot stronger than you give her credit for."


	11. Curveballs

**A/N: **I don't really have a whole lot to say about this chapter, so I won't take up much of your time, other than to thank you for continuing to read (and review!) and to say that I hope you enjoy this chapter!

* * *

Meredith sighed as she leaned back in her spot on the lone bench in front of the hospital entrance, wrapping her arms around herself to fight off the Seattle chill that hung in the air.

"You're going to catch pneumonia sitting out here like this, you know," Molly commented as she sat down on one side of Meredith while Lexie settled in on the opposite side.

"I'm sorry you had to hear all of that," Meredith said quietly. "I didn't mean for it to come out like that. I guess I just didn't realize how angry I really was until I was face to face with him."

"You don't have to apologize, Meredith," Molly assured her.

"We should be apologizing," Lexie added.

"Why?" Meredith asked in confusion.

"I never understood it," Lexie said. "Why you wouldn't have anything to do with us, why you insisted that he had replaced you. None of it made any sense, and I resented you for feeling that way."

"We thought maybe there was something about us that you didn't like," Molly added. "I guess in a way we were angry with you for not wanting to know us, for rejecting us because you were upset with Dad. We didn't know, we had no idea it was that bad, Meredith…we didn't know."

"We were right to be angry, but it shouldn't have been at you," Lexie continued. "I mean, think about all the years we lost because of what he did…all the time we could have been together, all the memories we could have, but we don't, because he couldn't admit to Mom that he lied to her when he first met her. We shouldn't have been angry with you, Meredith."

"It isn't your fault," Meredith said, shaking her head as she let out another sigh. "Neither of you had any fault in this situation, guys. This one…it's taken me a long time to see it this way, but this one's all on Thatcher…and maybe in a way, my mother too, because God knows, even if she did offer joint custody, she didn't exactly make any of it easy for him."

"He had no excuse," Lexie said. "It's just strange…like he's two different people or something, because I really used to think he was a great guy…but the more I learn, the less I believe that."

"I used to think he'd come rescue me," Meredith admitted. "When I was growing up, I used to imagine that one day, I'd come home from school and there he'd be, waiting to take me away from everything. I always thought that if someone was to blame, it was my mother – that if there was a bad guy in the situation, it was her, not him. I _wanted_ him to be the good guy."

"I think every little girl wants her father to be the hero," Molly said. "He was to me…even if it all turned out to be a sham."

"Don't let me do that," Meredith said. "Don't let me be the one that ruins all of that for you, Molly. Just because he wasn't there for me, it shouldn't take away from the fact that he was a good father to the two of you."

"He wasn't," Lexie said, drawing confused stares from Meredith and Molly. "No, look, I get it, he seemed great to us then, but if he was such a good father, he would have been a father to all three of us. If he really was a good father, he wouldn't have been able to just turn his back like that, not on any one of us. That man that Molly and I grew up with, he doesn't exist anymore…maybe he never did."

Meredith nodded in understanding, resting a hand on Lexie's forearm as her sister struggled to hold back her tears.

"It almost seems a little ironic," Molly said after a few moments, interrupting the awkward silence that had descended on the three of them.

"What does?" Meredith asked, turning to look at her youngest sister.

"I was just thinking about what you were telling us the other day," Molly said. "About the things you were learning about your mother."

"What about them?" Meredith asked.

"It's just, Dad was always supposed to be the good guy in the story," Molly said. "But the more we find out about what actually happened, about the things he actually did, the less he seems like that good guy we always thought. And then your mother, she was supposed to be the bad guy, right? The mean, tough one who couldn't be bothered to care? And yet, the more you find about her, the more it seems like maybe…well, okay, maybe she still doesn't seem like the good guy, but she definitely doesn't look like the bad guy anymore, either."

"Things are never what they seem, are they?" Meredith agreed with a small sarcastic chuckle. "You can never get too comfortable before the next curveball shoes up."

* * *

"You ready to go?" Derek asked, stepping out of his office late that afternoon to find Meredith leaning against the wall opposite his door.

"Yeah," she said wearily, slipping her hand into his as they headed down the hallway.

"Are you alright?" Derek asked in concern, not overlooking the exhaustion in her voice and the way her limp had become slightly more pronounced, as it did on the rare occasions when she exerted herself beyond what she was currently capable of.

"Yes…no…I don't know," Meredith admitted with a heavy sigh. "It's just been a really long day, that's all."

"Okay," Derek nodded, sensing that there was more to the story, but not questioning it as he gently guided his wife into the elevator.

"Did you get a chance to go up to the nursery?" Meredith asked, hoping to avoid the topic of her family at least until they reached the car.

"I did," Derek said. "You were right, Emma sure is a cutie. Not quite as cute as our kids will be, but…"

"Derek…" Meredith interrupted, a warning tone evident in her voice.

"Right, right, I know," Derek laughed. "Too much, too soon."

"We've only been married for a month," Meredith reminded him. "Can't you just enjoy being us for a while before we think about adding a baby into the mix?"

"Of course we can," Derek assured her. "You know I'm not trying to push, right? I don't want to do anything until you're ready…it just sort of slipped out."

"I know," Meredith sighed, leaning back against Derek's chest as he wrapped his arms around her. "I'm just tired, that's all…I shouldn't overreact like that."

"You want to talk about it?" Derek asked gently, pressing his lips into the top of Meredith's hair as the elevator slowly began to make its way to the ground floor. "Your day, that is?"

"I saw Thatcher again," Meredith admitted, slowly extracting herself from Derek's arms as the elevator doors chimed open and they both stepped out and began making their way to Derek's car.

"I take it that didn't go over so well," Derek surmised.

"I yelled," Meredith said. "I yelled a lot, he mumbled and Molly cried."

"Molly was there?" Derek asked in surprise.

"I didn't mean to do it in front of her," Meredith said defensively. "I never wanted to hurt her, or Lexie…I just wasn't thinking, Derek. I just knew I needed to talk to him, to get these things off of my chest, and then I just wasn't thinking about the fact that she was there, and that she didn't know that he walked away from me."

"How did she take it?" Derek asked, opening the car door for Meredith and pausing to help her in and wait for her answer.

"She was upset…she and Lexie both were," Meredith said hesitantly. "I don't really know how to describe it…it wasn't so much that they were angry at him as that they're just angry that it happened, that things could have been so different for me – for all of us, really – if he'd only just been honest with Susan instead of having to hide everything."

"Things could have been a lot different," Derek agreed as he made his way around the car and into the driver's seat, quickly revving the engine and guiding the car out of the parking lot toward their home.

"I'm not sure I'd want them to be," Meredith admitted thoughtfully, glancing over at Derek.

"You wouldn't?" he asked in surprise.

"I don't know," Meredith said. "Maybe I'd want some things to be different, because a lot of what I grew up with sucked. And yeah, my mother wasn't they type of mother Susan would have been, but she wanted me, Derek. My mother actually _wanted_ me – maybe she even needed me in her life. Who knows what would have happened if she'd lost custody. Besides, if I'd grown up in a happy household, I never would have become that girl in the bar who takes home random strangers for one night stands."

"In which case, you would have had to seduce me in the hospital," Derek said with a sly grin. "Which would definitely not have been as easy."

"Um, you seduced me," Meredith corrected. "And what makes you think I would have even wanted to do anything when I wasn't drunk?"

"Ouch," Derek laughed, placing a hand over his heart in mock pain. "Either way, I guess I see where your coming from. Your mother may not have been a great parent, but she made you who you are today…and I wouldn't want to change anything about that."

* * *

Meredith groaned as she crumpled up another piece of paper, tossing it in annoyance at the trash can near the kitchen counter.

"Hey now, what did that poor piece of paper do to you?" Derek asked with a laugh as he walked into the kitchen, picking the misdirected paper off the floor and dropping it into the trash can, not missing the dozen or so other crumpled pages it landed on.

"I hate this," Meredith complained, tossing her pen down on the table and leaning back in her chair.

"What are you doing?" Derek asked, glancing over his shoulder as he reached into the cupboard for a glass.

"_Attempting _to write this stupid letter," Meredith grumbled. "And I say 'attempting' because it's been very unsuccessful so far."

"What's the problem?" Derek asked.

"Everything's a problem, Derek," Meredith said. "What the hell am I supposed to say? What do you usually say when you're writing to an aunt you didn't even know existed a few months ago?"

"I'm not sure that 'usually' really applies in this situation," Derek pointed out. "I hate to break it to you, Meredith, but this is one I probably can't help you with. Writing letters to long lost family members isn't exactly something most people will ever do."

"Yeah, well, I think I'm joining them," Meredith said in frustration. "Because at the moment, I'm not writing a letter to this lady. How am I supposed to write a coherent letter when I don't even know what it is I want to say to her? I can't even figure out how to start it."

"I'd suggest something along the lines of 'Dear Catherine,'" Derek suggested.

"So not helpful," Meredith said. "That's about the only part I have in most of those attempts."

"Well, what is it that you really want to say to her?" Derek asked. "Do you want to ask questions? Do you want her to call you? To write back?"

"I already told you, I don't know," Meredith snapped angrily, before sighing and leaning back heavily in the chair. "Part of me almost feels like it would be easier just to go there."

"You want to go see her?" Derek asked in surprise. "In Montana?"

"It's a stupid idea, right?" Meredith asked nervously. "I'd probably give the poor woman a heart attack or something, showing up unannounced like that. It's just, I don't know what to say to her, and my rambling looks ridiculous on paper, and I don't want her to think that I'm some delusional psycho or something…and I know I still won't know what to say if I see her, but at least then she'd be there to interrupt the rambling, and maybe she'd say something too and then…"

"Meredith, you're rambling," Derek interrupted with a laugh, pulling up a chair next to her and taking a seat. "And I don't think it's a stupid idea."

"You don't?" Meredith asked. "Really?"

"Mer, if you want to go to Montana to find your aunt, we'll go to Montana," Derek assured her.

"You'll go with me?" Meredith asked uncertainly.

"Of course I will," Derek said.

"That's one of those husband things, isn't it?" Meredith asked with a small smile. "Going along with the wild goose chase?"

"Well, I don't think it's a wild goose chase," Derek corrected. "But yeah, helping you find your family, I guess you could say that's one of those husband things."

"Okay," Meredith nodded, pausing for a moment. "When can we go?"

"Well, we're going to my mother's for Christmas in a week and a half," Derek said. "Do you think maybe it could wait until after that?"

"I think so," Meredith agreed. "Maybe that'll give me enough time to come up with something semi-coherent to say when I finally meet her."

"I'm sure Kathleen could help you with that," Derek said.

"No," Meredith insisted forcefully. "Derek, you cannot tell your family about this."

"Meredith, you know they won't judge," Derek reminded her. "My family adores you, probably more than me even. They'd be thrilled for you."

"I don't want a lot of people to know about this," Meredith said. "What if it all turns out to be nothing? What if this Catherine woman doesn't even want anything to do with me? I don't want to have to explain that to a thousand different people over and over, Derek."

"They're family, Meredith, they won't push," Derek said. "But if you don't want to tell anyone, we won't tell anyone."

"I know you think I'm being irrational," Meredith said with a sigh. "And that you think that when we get there I'll change my mind. You're just humoring me until your mother uses her freaky sixth-sense to figure out exactly what's going on…but thank you for humoring me."

"Just another husband thing," Derek said with a grin. "Now, when do you start doing wife things?"

"Oh, I think I've done more than a few wife things," Meredith said with a sly grin.

"Is that so, Mrs. Shepherd?" Derek asked mischievously, leaning across to kiss her.

"It is," Meredith nodded, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I think I could show you one or two more if you'd like."

"Oh, I think I'd like that," Derek agreed heartily. "I think I'd like that very much, Mrs. Shepherd."


	12. Marrying In

**A/N:** I'm going on vacation later this week (hallelujah!), so I won't have access to the internet for about five days, beginning on Thursday; in fact, I won't even be taking the laptop - I'm taking a little technology break. So this will likely be the last update for a bit - I'm sorry for the delay that will happen, but trust me, the little mental break is definitely needed!

* * *

"Mer, he has a mother," Cristina's panicked voice rang out over the phone as Meredith shook her head and leaned back in the front passenger seat of Derek's rental, turning her head to watch the snow-covered landscape pass by as they slowly made their way to Maggie Shepherd's house.

"Most people have mothers," Meredith pointed out. "In fact, I think it would be pretty hard to find someone who doesn't."

"Yes, but we've been married seven months and she's never popped up before," Cristina argued. "I really think it's against the rules to spring a mother on me after seven months of marriage."

"Has he met your mother?" Meredith asked.

"That is completely different," Cristina argued.

"How?" Meredith asked. "At least he told his mother about you. _Your_ mother doesn't even know that you got married, let alone that she's going to be a grandmother."

"But that's my mother," Cristina said. "It's for his own safety."

"Did he tell his mother about you, or did she just show up?" Meredith asked.

"I think she just showed up," Cristina said. "But I'm not fat yet, so he had to have told her about the kid."

"And what makes you think that one of these days your mother isn't going to just show up?" Meredith asked.

"That's different," Cristina repeated. "She's my mother. I know how to deal with her."

"Cristina, Rick's mother can't be that bad," Meredith said.

"She's his mother, Meredith," Cristina said. "She wants to get to know me, she says. I mean, what the hell? She's probably some smothering mama, just like Mama Burke was. I don't need that right now, Mer."

"You haven't even met her yet, have you?" Meredith asked incredulously. "You're really letting those hormones get the better of you, Cristina."

"Oh, shut up about the damn hormones," Cristina snapped. "This is a serious crisis, Meredith. How the hell am I supposed to handle a mother-in-law?"

"Just be yourself," Meredith said, pausing for a moment and shaking her head. "Wait, no, I take that back. Just be nice."

"You are so not funny," Cristina said in annoyance.

"I don't know, Derek found it amusing," Meredith smirked as Derek shook his head and laughed at the one-sided conversation he was trying to make sense of.

"Your husband has a the mental capacity of a walnut, Meredith," Cristina said. "It doesn't take much to amuse him."

"Do walnuts have mental capacities?" Meredith asked jokingly.

"Oh shut up," Cristina snapped. "The point is, what am I going to do about the mother? She's going to be a mama, I can tell already."

"In that case, just be at work as much as you can," Meredith advised. "Whenever she tries to talk to you, get a bout of morning sickness and if worse comes to worse, just remember, she's only there for two days…and no matter what, it can't be as bad as it would be if your mother were there too."

"God help me,' Cristina scoffed. "There's a reason my mother's never going to know about this kid. You really think the rest of that stuff will keep the new mama away from me?"

"It's worth a try," Meredith said, smiling as she glanced up and caught sight of Derek's childhood home at the end of the road. "But this is where I'm going to have to leave you, Cristina, because we're almost there…and unlike you, I'm not afraid to hang up the phone and go spend some quality time with my in-laws."

* * *

Meredith smiled softly to herself as she leaned back against the couch in Maggie's living room, wrapping her hands around her mug of tea as she took in the rare silence that had descended after Derek's sisters had taken their families and returned to their respective houses for the night. Although Meredith adored her sisters-in-law and the massive family she'd married into, she had to admit that sometimes, that many people all fighting for time with one another got more than a bit exhausting.

"This was always my favorite time of the day," Maggie commented as she settled into the overstuffed chair next to the couch, placing her own nearly-empty mug of tea on the coffee table and leaning back into the chair. "After everyone had gone to bed, just having a few minutes to relax without worrying about where anyone was or what they were doing."

"It is nice," Meredith agreed.

"Did Derek leave for the airport already?" Maggie asked.

"Yes," Meredith nodded. "Mark's flight was going to be early, so he figured he'd better get there soon. He said that you never know what sort of trouble Mark will find if you leave him on his own too long."

"Some things will never change," Maggie said with a little laugh. "So, it's been nearly two months. How's life as a married woman?"

"Good," Meredith said. "Different, but still…I don't know, not different at the same time. Sort of like it's new, but it's how it was always supposed to me. Does that make any sense?"

"It makes a lot of sense," Maggie assured her. "Now, I understand you and Derek had a visit from my nephew a few weeks ago?"

"Did Derek tell you that?" Meredith asked.

"My sister-in-law, actually," Maggie said. "You'll learn soon enough, secrets are easy to keep in small families, but there are very few secrets in big ones."

"So it seems," Meredith agreed.

"What was it you and Derek had Andy looking into?" Maggie asked. "If you don't mind me asking, of course."

"What makes you think it wasn't just a social visit?" Meredith asked.

"Big family, no secrets," Maggie reminded her. "Andy mentioned something to his sister about calling a favor for the two of you."

"Of course," Meredith nodded. "No, I guess I don't mind. Andy was just pulling a few details about my mother's past, that's all. I don't know a whole lot about it, so Derek asked him to look into it."

"And did he find anything?" Maggie asked curiously.

"Bits and pieces, mostly," Meredith said. "More questions than actual answers…I'm sure this all seems silly to you, seeing as I have this whole family now."

"There's nothing silly about wanting to know your own family," Maggie said. "Derek's only told me a little bit about your mother, but from what I gather, there's quite a void there. If I could fill that void for you, Meredith, I would, but sometimes there's just no substitute for knowing your biological family."

"It's not that you and Derek's sisters aren't wonderful…" Meredith began.

"It's okay, Meredith," Maggie assured her. "There's only so much that your in-laws can be for you; at some point, there's just a connection that you feel to the people who share blood with you. I understand that."

"You do?" Meredith asked in surprise.

"Don't forget, I married into this family too," Maggie pointed out. "The Shepherds are more my family now than my own family ever was, but there are still times…those moments when you watch your sisters-in-law and miss that connection with your own sister, or when you see your children with their aunts and uncles and wish that there was someone out there that you had that same relationship with."

"I guess I never thought about that," Meredith admitted. "I just always think of you as a Shepherd."

"And in most ways, I am," Maggie said. "Just like you are now."

"Oh, I don't…" Meredith protested feebly.

"You are," Maggie insisted. "But there will be moments, Meredith, there will be those times when you look around and you don't feel like a Shepherd, when you're right back to being a Grey. And in that way, you're a bit luckier than I was, because when you feel that way, you have your sisters to be your connection to who you were; and there is nothing wrong with that feeling, Meredith. No one expects you to integrate into our family overnight, and no one expects you to stop caring about your own past just because you've married into this massive family. There are still days when I feel more like a Malone than a Shepherd."

"Even now?" Meredith asked.

"Even now," Maggie agreed. "I didn't come from a big family, Meredith. My parents were both only children, and I only had one sister. There's no one left to tie me to that part of my history now, but there are times when I wish there was, days when it bothers me that I seem to have lost that part of who I was. If learning more about your mother's history will help you hold onto that, then by all means, you do what you need to do."

"What happened to your sister?" Meredith asked. "I don't think Derek ever mentioned another aunt."

"She wasn't really an aunt to my kids," Maggie said sadly. "She had a falling out with my parents when she was eighteen; she got pregnant and they cut her off because she refused to give the baby up for adoption. I think she was just as angry with me as she was with them – my parents had just purchased this big brownstone as a wedding present for Scott and I, and she seemed to think that we should let her and the baby move in with us."

"But you didn't," Meredith concluded.

"Maybe I should have, I don't know," Maggie sighed. "Lisa was always the baby of the family, and I guess I just thought she needed to learn a little responsibility for her actions."

"So what happened to her?" Meredith asked, pausing as she did so. "Shoot, Maggie, I'm sorry, I'm prying, aren't I? I shouldn't ask questions like that, it's rude, I know…"

"It's alright, Meredith," Maggie assured her. "You know, in all these years, no one's ever really asked me about Lisa. The kids all knew about her, sure; I even used to have some pictures up of us when we were younger, so everyone knows, and they know that Lisa and I were never close…but you're the first person in this family to ever ask why."

"I ask too many questions," Meredith admitted. "It gets me in trouble sometimes; you know, you ask questions and you learn things you never wanted to know."

"No, no, it's fine," Maggie said. "She had the baby; a little boy, I think. I never really got to meet him. She kept him, tried her best for a few months, but it was just too hard for her on her own, I suppose. In the end, she gave him up for adoption when he was about four months old. Things were never the same after that, not really…she never moved on, never got married, never had any other children. We'd exchange the occasional phone call or letter, but I think I saw her maybe five or six times after that, and they were very short, very awkward visits."

"Does she live in the area?" Meredith asked.

"She actually passed away about twenty years ago," Maggie said. "I always regretted that we never mended our fences before that happened."

"What about her son?" Meredith asked.

"She mentioned once that the couple who adopted him were from Massachusetts," Maggie said. "I'd like to think he's had a good life with them, but I really don't know."

"What if he showed up?" Meredith asked. "Just randomly, one day showed up on your doorstep? What would you do?"

"If my sister's son showed up?" Maggie asked as Meredith nodded in confirmation. "I suppose the first thing that I'd do is give him a hug, let him know that he was welcome here. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, it's nothing," Meredith said, shrugging slightly. "It's just…well, one of the things that Andy found for me is an address for my mother's older sister. I've never met her…from what I can gather, my mother hadn't even spoken to her since she was a teenager. Derek and I are going to Montana to see her right after New Year's, but I'm starting to think maybe it's a bad idea…I tried to just write a letter, but nothing sounds right; I've tried calling, but I pick up the phone and just freeze. I don't know how to do this."

"Meredith, I can't say how your aunt is going to react," Maggie admitted. "I can tell you that if it were me, if it were my nephew, I wouldn't care if it was a shock or if there was no phone call or letter to warn me. I'd just be so happy to see him, to finally have a chance to connect…I would be so thrilled, Meredith, and I really do think that if your aunt has a family, she'll be just as thrilled to add you to it. Trust me, by the time you get to my age, you don't have time to hold grudges anymore, and you truly regret the ones you did hold and the time you lost that you can't get back."

"I hope so," Meredith mused.

"And if she doesn't, she's a damn fool," Maggie said. "And then you'll leave that town with your head held high, and you'll come right back here to a family that loves you with everything we've got…and that, I can guarantee you."


	13. Are You Ready?

**A/N:** You have no idea how excited I am to be posting this chapter - at long last, we're *finally* getting into real core of the story, the plot ideas that really drove the creation of this sequel in the first place. Not that any of the last 12 chapters were filler, or even less important in the grand scheme of the story, but every story that I write starts with a few central ideas that form in my mind, get me really excited and grow for weeks (sometimes months) before I ever start putting them down in black and white. Everything sort of grows out from those ideas - not everyone writes this way, I know, but that's how I do it, and those initial ideas that excite me, those are the parts I love writing the most, so when I finally get to the chapters that deal with them, I'm always really eager to get them up and get your feedback, because they're so central to the story.

That said, I hope you enjoy this chapter and the ones to follow!

* * *

Meredith sighed heavily as she leaned back in her seat and wrapped her hands tightly around the mug of coffee in front of her. The two weeks that had passed since Christmas with the Shepherds had been simultaneously the slowest and quickest weeks she'd ever lived through, with each day bringing a new mix of excitement, apprehension and fear about what her upcoming trip would bring. Now, though, there was little left to imagine, and it hardly seemed possible to Meredith that she was already here, sitting in a small roadside diner on the outskirts of a tiny Montana town, just a few short miles from the house where she expected to find her mother's sister.

"Am I doing the right thing?" Meredith asked nervously, drawing Derek's attention back across the table.

"Of course you are," Derek assured her. "We've been over this, Meredith. You're not asking for anything from this woman…we'll go over there this afternoon, you'll introduce yourself and then leave the ball in her court. If she wants to know you, she'll let you know."

"And if she doesn't want to know me?" Meredith asked. "What then?"

"Then you and I get to spend the rest of the weekend curled up under that down comforter in the big bed back at the bed and breakfast," Derek said. "We don't even have to leave the room to eat, we can just have them bring it up to us."

"Derek, I'm serious," Meredith insisted.

"So am I," Derek argued with a grin. "Seriously, Meredith, if she doesn't want to know you – and I really don't that that's going to be the case – but if it is, then we'll leave. We'll go back to the bed and breakfast, enjoy the rest of our relaxing weekend away from Seattle, and then we'll go back to our lives, knowing that you gave her the opportunity to make that connection. You can't control what she does with that opportunity."

"You asked Kathleen that question, didn't you?" Meredith asked suspiciously.

"Was it that obvious?" Derek asked guiltily.

"The psycho-babble sounded a little rehearsed," Meredith admitted.

"Damn," Derek muttered as he shook his head. "I've been running through that answer for a while, too. I thought I nailed it."

"It wasn't bad," Meredith assured him. "I'm sure Kathleen's absolutely right about the whole not controlling other people thing. It just sounded a little weird coming from you, that's all. Nothing you can do about it, really."

"The point is, whatever happens today, you're going to be alright," Derek said.

"I know," Meredith said. "It doesn't make me any less nervous, though. I just wish I didn't feel like I was always chasing this ghost, running after my mother…sometimes I just wish I could let her go."

"Maybe this will help," Derek suggested. "Close the door on the mystery or something."

"Maybe," Meredith agreed. "What if I just leave here with more questions?"

"Then we'll go looking for more answers," Derek shrugged. "I told you, I don't mind any of this, Meredith. However long it takes, we'll find what you're looking for."

"Assuming I ever figure out what that is," Meredith sighed.

"You will," Derek said confidently.

"I'm glad one of us has faith in that," Meredith said.

"That's the beauty of marriage, Meredith," Derek said. "Right now, I've got faith enough for the both of us. Someday, you might need to have faith enough to cover me…that's just what married people do."

"Alright, Mr. Faith…what do I do now?" Meredith asked.

"Now, you breathe," Derek said. "You relax, finish your coffee and calm down. You're going to ramble enough as it is, you don't need extra nerves adding to it."

"I'd be offended if I didn't know that you were right about that," Meredith pouted as Derek grinned.

"I guess I just know you that well," Derek said. "Listen, I've got to run to the restroom…you alright until I get back?"

"I'm not going to run away, if that's what you're thinking," Meredith said, rolling her eyes at his overprotective nature, but secretly enjoying having someone who cared that much.

"Of course not," Derek assured her as he stood up, leaning over to kiss her on the cheek before heading to the back of the restaurant to find the restroom.

* * *

"Can I get you anything else?" the waitress asked, walking up to the table shortly after Derek had stepped away.

"I don't think so," Meredith said. Looking up from her mug of coffee, she couldn't but notice, just as she had when she and Derek had first entered the diner, just how familiar the forty-something woman with the sandy-blond hair and fiery green eyes seemed to be.

"Alright," the woman nodded, reaching out to grab Derek's empty plate. "How long you and your husband visiting for? Or are you just passing through?"

"We're visiting," Meredith said. "How did you know?"

"It's a pretty small town, in case you hadn't noticed," the waitress said with a quick shrug of her shoulders. "I've spent most of my life living here, so I know just about everyone in town…not to mention everyone in the next town over, and the town next to that too. Social circles are pretty limited in this part of the country."

"So we stand out," Meredith concluded.

"You do have a city look," the waitress agreed. "Like your just not used to country hospitality or not having a traffic signal every two blocks."

"It is a little strange," Meredith agreed with a laugh.

"Have you visited before?" the waitress asked. "You sure look awfully familiar to me."

"No, we've never been here before," Meredith said.

"Well, I guess it's just my eyes playing tricks, then," the waitress said. "You know, I don't know that I introduced myself. I'm Gretchen."

"Meredith," Meredith nodded in greeting.

"Well, Meredith, what brings you and your husband to our little town?" Gretchen asked.

"It's a long, complicated story," Meredith said vaguely. "I suppose you could say that I'm chasing a ghost."

"A ghost, huh?" Gretchen asked with a laugh. "Small towns do tend to have a few of those, I'll grant you that. Ghosts, skeletons, small town scandals…if there's one thing little towns do well, it's gossip about each other."

"Oh, that's not just a small town problem," Meredith said with a slight laugh.

"I suppose not," Gretchen agreed. "Anything I can help with? I've been around long enough to know most of the ghosts hanging around this town."

"Have you lived here your whole life?" Meredith asked.

"Most of it," Gretchen said. "I was born and raised here, but after I married my husband, we moved East for a while for his job. He passed away about nine and a half years ago, though, and most of my family is still here, so the kids and I moved back here."

"I'm sorry," Meredith said.

"It happens," Gretchen said sadly. "I'm just glad I had my family to come home to. My aunt and uncle actually own the diner, but I do most of the day-to-day business management now; I would really have been in a bind financially if they hadn't offered me the job, though – it's pretty hard to break back into the job market when you've been a stay-at-home mother for over ten years."

"I can't even imagine," Meredith said sympathetically.

"That's what family's for, though," Gretchen said with a smile. "We take care of our own. When my husband died, I had four kids ten and under, including an eleven month old baby. It was a blessing to know that I could come home and we'd be taken care of."

"Family is an amazing thing to have," Meredith agreed. "You're very lucky."

"I really am," Gretchen smiled. "How about you? Got a big family?"

"I do," Meredith said readily. "It's wonderful, that's for sure."

"You don't have tell me twice," Gretchen laughed, pausing as a loud clanging sound rang out from the kitchen. "Well, listen, I'd better get back to work here, before Aunt Claire comes out of that kitchen to make me…you let me know if you need anything else, alright? Food, directions, juicy gossip…you name, I'm sure I can help."

"I will," Meredith agreed. "Thanks."

"Like I said, small town hospitality," Gretchen said, grinning as she grabbed the last plate from the table and headed off toward the kitchen.

* * *

"You ready to go?" Derek asked, slipping back into his seat a few minutes after the waitress had left.

"Does that waitress look familiar to you?" Meredith asked.

"Um…not particularly, no," Derek admitted, watching her from across the room for a moment. "Should she?"

"I don't know," Meredith said thoughtfully. "I feel like I should know her, but I can't figure out why."

"Well, I don't know her," Derek said.

"Maybe it's just my nerves playing tricks on me," Meredith said, pushing her coffee mug toward the center of the table and shifting to get out of her seat. "I guess I'm ready to go…it's now or never, right? Time to rip the band-aid?"

"You are far too eager for me to do this," Meredith observed as Derek pulled a few bills out of his back pocket and left them on the table to cover their tab. "You just don't want to have to listen to me go on about how nervous I am, don't you?"

"That might be part of it," Derek admitted, holding open Meredith's winter coat as she slipped her arms into it. "But I really do think this will be good for you. Answer some questions, help you move on, that sort of thing."

"Well, let's get going, then," Meredith said.

* * *

"Alright, this should be it," Derek said, cutting the engine of the car in front of a sprawling ranch house on the outskirts of town.

"It's huge," Meredith marveled, leaning forward to get a better view. "I think it's bigger than your mother's, Derek."

"Maybe she had five kids too," Derek suggested. "You could have a whole bunch of cousins you don't even know about yet."

"I suppose anything's possible," Meredith agreed, slowly unbuckling her seatbelt.

"You ready?" Derek asked, having hurried around the car to help Meredith out the passenger's side.

"Derek Shepherd, I swear if you ask me that question one more time, I'm going to hit you," Meredith scolded.

"With your tiny, ineffectual fists?" Derek teased.

"Shut up," Meredith grumbled, pushing past him slowly to make her way across the street. "I'll have Lexie do it for me. That's why I have sisters, right?"

"To beat up your poor, innocent husband?" Derek asked, laughing slightly as he wrapped an arm around Meredith's waist and guided her up the snow-covered walk to the front porch.

"No, to beat up my pushy, annoying, overprotective husband," Meredith retorted.

"I just wanted to make sure that you're ready for this," Derek said.

"Derek, we're standing on her front porch," Meredith pointed out. "It's a little late to back out now. Besides, I'm as ready now as I was when you asked me three minutes ago…or the two minutes before that…or five minutes before that…or…"

"Okay, okay, I get it," Derek interrupted. "You're ready."

"I'm ready," Meredith repeated, more to herself than to Derek. Taking a deep breath, Meredith closed her eyes and gripped Derek's hand tightly as she reached out and rang the doorbell, quickly recoiling her hand and leaning against her husband as she stared anxiously at the door, both waiting for and dreading the moment it was opened.


	14. First Contact

**A/N:** I know, I left you with a cliffhanger - sorry! I haven't done that in a while, and I just really didn't want to put all of what happens in this chapter into the last one, so it seemed a good place to stop. We're inching our way closer to the stuff I've been working on for months and months, so I'm getting really excited! I hope you enjoy this chapter!

* * *

After what seemed like the longest thirty seconds she'd ever experienced, Meredith took another deep breath as she saw the door slowly open, revealing a tall, slender older woman, her silver hair swept up in a loose twist, her blue eyes sparkling with a vigor unshaken by her slowly advancing age.

"May I help you?" the woman asked, staring curiously at Meredith, as though she were trying to place how she knew her.

"Um…I…well, I hope so," Meredith said nervously as Derek gently squeezed her hand in support. "We…I mean, I…we're looking for Catherine Harrington."

"You found her," the woman said with a slight smile. "What can I do for you?"

"I don't really know how to explain this," Meredith said anxiously. "I…um…okay, this is going to sound really out-of-the-blue, but I think we're related."

"I'm sorry, I think you must have the wrong family, dear," Catherine said sympathetically. "I may have a large family, but I'd recognize any one of my relatives, I can assure you of that."

"Did you write this?" Meredith asked quickly, reaching into her pocket and handing Catherine the letter she'd discovered among her mother's things.

With a confused look, Catherine took the letter from Meredith's hand, slowly opening the folded page, her eyes widening as she saw the handwriting on the page in her hand. Quickly scanning the words on the page, her hand flew to her mouth in shock.

"You did write it, didn't you?" Meredith asked.

"How…where…I don't understand," Catherine said quietly, shaking her head as she looked up from the page and back at Meredith. "I wrote this, but it was over thirty years ago. Where did you get this?"

"I found it," Meredith said vaguely.

"I still don't understand how this makes you think that we're related," Catherine said in confusion.

"I found it in a box of my mother's things," Meredith explained. "My mother's name – well, her maiden name, anyway – was Ellis Roberts."

"Oh dear God," Catherine gasped, steadying herself by grapping the side of the door jamb, her mouth hanging slightly open as she stared at Meredith in shock. "You're…you're Ellie's daughter?"

"Yes," Meredith said nervously, not quite sure how to interpret Catherine's reaction.

"Okay," Catherine nodded slowly, pulling the door open a bit wider. "I…um…I think you'd better come inside. It's, uh, it's a little cold to talk out here, I think."

* * *

"I don't know what to say here," Catherine said, her hands shaking ever so slightly as she set a pot of coffee on the kitchen table and took a seat across from Derek and Meredith. "I feel a little bit like there's too much to say but no words to say it in. Does that make any sense?"

"Yeah," Meredith nodded.

"I just can't quite believe that you're actually here," Catherine said. "Did your mother come with you? Did she know you were coming here?"

"Oh, um, no," Meredith said in surprise, having not once considered the possibility that she would have to be the one to break the news of her mother's death to her family. "My mother…well, Mom passed away a little over two and a half years ago."

"Oh dear," Catherine sighed, her face clearly showing her shock at Meredith's revelation. "I don't…I never thought…she's really gone? What happened?"

"She had a heart attack," Meredith said, not yet sure if she was comfortable revealing all the intimate details of her mother's condition to this woman who, despite their genetic connection, was ultimately still a stranger to her. "She'd been sick for quite some time, so it wasn't entirely unexpected."

"I'm sorry," Catherine said sincerely, her voice wavering ever so slightly as Meredith and Derek both noticed her quickly wipe a tear from her eye. "I know it's been over forty years, but I just – I don't know, I suppose it should have occurred to me that something might have happened. Your mother is so much younger than my sisters and I, though; I never thought she'd go first."

"How much younger was she?" Meredith asked. "If you don't mind me asking, that is."

"Of course not," Catherine said with a reassuring smile. "Your mother is – was – almost fourteen years younger than me, and eleven years younger than Caroline, my next youngest sister."

"Does she live in the area?" Derek asked curiously.

"All four of my sisters live nearby, actually," Catherine said.

"Four?" Meredith asked in surprise.

"Ellis didn't talk much about us, did she?" Catherine asked sadly.

"No, I'm sorry," Meredith admitted.

"It's alright, I didn't think she'd have said much if she said anything," Catherine said, a hint of sadness in her voice. "Ellie was always more reserved than most of us, and I don't suppose it helped that she didn't exactly leave town on the best of terms with us. If she wouldn't even speak _to_ us, it really shouldn't surprise me that she didn't speak _of_ us."

Meredith nodded, but before she could respond, she was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening and closing, followed closely by a progression of footsteps and voices from the entryway toward the kitchen. Glancing up at the clock above the door, Catherine shook her head and smiled.

"I'm sorry, I guess I didn't realize how late it was," she said. "My sisters and some of their families are coming for dinner, and it's nearly four o'clock. That's probably some of them now."

"Oh, well, we can go," Meredith said, moving to stand up as quickly as her stiff legs would allow.

"Oh no, please don't go," Catherine said. "I'd love it if you joined us tonight, Meredith – both of you, of course."

"I don't know," Meredith said hesitantly. "I don't want to intrude on your family time."

"Trust me, it's no intrusion," Catherine assured her. "Everyone will be just dying to meet you once I tell them that you're here. You'd be most welcome, I can assure you of that. Besides, it's just dinner – if we get to be too much, you can leave at any time, I promise."

"Just dinner?" Meredith repeated.

"Just dinner," Catherine nodded with an encouraging smile.

"Alright," Meredith agreed reluctantly, squeezing Derek's hand beneath the table for support, just as the kitchen door swung open and the footsteps stopped.

"Catherine, please be a voice of reason here," an older woman declared as she stepped into the room. Although she stood a few inches shorter than Catherine, Meredith could instantly see the resemblance in their features, the same sparkling eyes and defined cheekbones framing her face.

"Martha…" Catherine began, trying to get her sister's attention.

"Aunt Catherine, don't listen to her, she's nuts," a somewhat younger woman insisted, following Martha into the room. Meredith guessed this woman was probably in her late forties, perhaps her early fifties, her auburn hair only just beginning to show a few strands of the same silver that Catherine and Martha both had, but her blue eyes matching theirs perfectly.

"Marybeth…" Catherine tried again to get the women's attention, glancing at Meredith with a slightly bemused shrug as neither woman paid them much mind. "Really dear, we've got guests."

"Oh!" Marybeth exclaimed, smiling sheepishly as she turned to face Meredith and Derek.

"Girls, I'd like for you to meet Meredith Shepherd and her husband, Derek," Catherine said to the two women. "Meredith, Derek, this is my sister, Martha, and her daughter, Marybeth."

"Hi," Meredith said nervously, reaching out to shake their hands.

"Meredith and Derek are going to be joining us for dinner tonight," Catherine said.

"Wonderful," Martha said with a smile, slipping into the chair next to Catherine. "Cathy, can we do anything to help with dinner?"

"Of course not," Catherine said with a laugh. "I've got it all in the oven and the slow cooker. Besides, do I ever let you help?"

"You never let anyone help in your kitchen, Aunt Catherine," Marybeth pointed out. "The only time you ask for help in the kitchen is when you want to get one of us alone so you can yell at us."

"I don't yell, I scold," Catherine corrected.

"Regardless, you don't like help, Cathy," Marybeth said before turning her attention across the table. "So, Meredith, Derek, have you been in town long?"

"We just got here this morning, actually," Derek said.

"Are you staying long, or just passing through?" Martha asked curiously, unable to look away from Meredith as she tried to place the familiarity of her face.

"We can only stay a few days," Derek said. "We both have to get back to work, unfortunately."

"And what brings you here in the first place?" Marybeth asked. "Surely you didn't come all this way just to have dinner with our crazy family."

"Well, actually…" Meredith began, her voice heavy with nerves.

"Marybeth, let's just leave it for now, alright?" Catherine suggested. "There's a wonderful story behind it all, but I'm sure Meredith doesn't want to have to tell it over and over, so we'll wait until everyone else gets here."

"Fine," Marybeth grumbled.

"Now, where are you two from?" Martha asked, steering the conversation back to fairly neutral territory.

"We live in Seattle," Derek said.

"Seattle," Martha repeated, glancing over at her sister with a strange look in her eye. "I hear that's a lovely place to live."

"Have you been?" Derek asked.

"Once," Martha said, her voice almost regretful. "It's been quite some time, though. How long would you say it's been since we were there, Cathy?"

"At least twenty-five years," Catherine said. "Maybe a little longer."

"Oh, at least that long," Martha agreed. "Anyway, it wasn't the greatest trip, but Seattle was a beautiful city. Were you both raised there?"

"I actually grew up in New York City," Derek said. "And Meredith was raised in Boston. Then we both moved to Seattle a few years ago."

"Where you met and fell in love," Marybeth said knowingly.

"Something like that, yes," Derek said.

"Are you married, Marybeth?" Meredith asked curiously.

"Twenty-six years and counting," Marybeth said with a smile. "Our youngest child is about to finish high school and head off to college, actually."

"How many children do you have?" Meredith asked.

"Five," Marybeth said.

"Five," Meredith repeated, in a bit of shock at the growing prospect that her family could actually be at least close in size to Derek's. "That's a big family."

"Oh, we tend to have big families around here," Martha said. "Something about the cold winters, I guess."

"Mother!" Marybeth exclaimed with a stifled giggle.

"What? Marybeth, you may be a minister's wife, but don't pretend that you're that naïve," Martha said. "You know just as well as I do what people in this part of the country do to pass the cold hours."

"Still, we have guests," Marybeth pointed out. "What on earth are they going to think about us?"

"You two do realize that they can hear you, right?" Catherine asked with a smile, turning back to Meredith and Derek. "This is what happens in large families, I'm afraid – everyone seems to talk over one another, about anything and everything."

"Oh, don't worry, I'm used to it," Derek assured her. "And Meredith, well…"

"I'm getting used to it," Meredith filled in.

"I take it you have a large family as well, then, Derek?" Martha asked.

"I'm one of five children," Derek said. "My mother was only one of two, but my father was one of nine – between my four sisters and my thirty-three cousins – not even counting my aunts and uncles, mind you – I had more family around than I knew what to do with."

"Sounds remarkably like our family, although we're maybe a tiny bit smaller," Marybeth laughed. "Mom and Catherine are two of seven; I've got two brothers and fourteen first cousins – of course, they've all got kids now, and the kids are starting to have kids, too, so the numbers just keep growing."

"It does get a little hard to handle," Catherine admitted. "But it's all worth it."

"What about you, Meredith?" Marybeth asked. "Do you come from a large family?"

"Not really, no," Meredith said. "It was just my mother and I, really."

"What about your father?" Catherine asked.

"My parents divorced when I was five," Meredith admitted. "My mother received sole custody as part of the settlement, so I didn't really see him after that."

"How awful," Martha sighed. "I'm sure there were reasons – there always are – but I've never understood how a parent could just walk away like that."

"Neither do I," Meredith agreed quietly, glancing up as the sound of the front door opening once again echoed through the house.

"Well, that'll be another of the girls," Catherine said, slowly standing up from her seat. "We'd better move into the living room, or I'll have the whole town here in my kitchen and if there's one thing I hate, it's too…"

"Too many people in the kitchen," Martha and Marybeth filled in knowingly as they all stood up to follow Catherine out of the kitchen and down the hall to the living room.


	15. Secret No More

**A/N:** I really hope you guys like this chapter - it's time to start getting into a lot of Ellis' history! Don't forget to leave a review and let me know what you think!

* * *

"Are you ready, Meredith?" Catherine asked about half an hour later, coming back into the kitchen after most of the family had assembled in the living room.

"As ready as I'll ever be," Meredith said. "Is the whole family here?"

"Well, I do have a number of nieces and nephews who don't live in town," Catherine said. "And my parents are actually in Oregon this week, visiting my niece, Whitney. She and her husband just had a baby the week before Christmas, and my parents love seeing their great-grandchildren."

"I guess I hadn't even expected them to still be around," Meredith admitted.

"Mother's 92 and Daddy's 94, but they're still going strong," Catherine said, a hint of admiration in her voice. "They'll be so pleased to meet you when they get back, Meredith."

"We can only stay a few days," Meredith said hesitantly.

"But you can come back," Catherine said hopefully. "Or we can come to you…I know, I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I? Should we just take this one step at a time to start off with?"

"I think that would be best," Derek interjected from his spot just behind Meredith.

"Right, well, everyone else is waiting," Catherine said. "Now, they're going to be a bit shocked when I tell them who you are, but don't worry, I know my family, and they are just going to be over the moon that you're here."

* * *

As they stood in the entrance to the living room, Meredith watched in amazement as Catherine cleared her throat, a quiet but firm sound that somehow managed to quiet the entire room in mere seconds. She was certain that the woman could even teach Miranda Bailey a thing or two about getting control of a room.

"It's about time you all learned to listen the first time around," Catherine said, smiling as the faces in the room stared expectantly at her. "Now, I have someone very special that I want all of you to meet."

"Is this going to take a long time?" a young boy piped up from the back of the room. "I'm hungry!"

"Peter!" a blond woman scolded from nearby. "Don't interrupt your grandmother, it's rude."

"Sorry, Mom," the boy grumbled. "But I _am_ hungry."

"Don't apologize to me," the woman corrected him. "Apologize to your grandmother."

"Oh, he's alright, Renee," Catherine assured the woman. "And don't worry, Pete, this won't take too long."

"Good," the boy nodded, satisfied with her response.

"Where was I?" Catherine asked, pausing for a moment. "Oh yes, of course. I want you all to meet Meredith Shepherd and her husband Derek. Meredith is – well, this may sound a bit out-of-the-blue to some of you, and I know it's going to be a bit of a shock, but just bear with me, alright? You see, Meredith is my niece. She's my sister Ellis' daughter."

A stunned silence met Catherine's reaction, the younger members of the family looking around in confusion, not understanding the looks of shock and surprise on their parents' and grandparents' faces.

"Is this some sort of joke?" an older gentleman questioned from the side of the room. "Catherine, it's been nearly forty-five years since Ellis was last here. Are you sure this girl is her daughter?"

"What sort of a question is that, Evan?" Catherine asked indignantly. "Of course I'm sure. Do you really think I would introduce her to all of you if I wasn't sure that what she told me was true?"

"How can you be sure?" Evan questioned again.

"Evan, let it be," the woman next to him interrupted. "If Catherine says that she's Ellie's daughter, I'm sure she is. Good Lord, you'd think I'd married a lawyer or something."

Catherine shook her head and laughed along with the rest of the family at the woman's comment.

"Meredith, I want you to meet my sister Suzanne," she said, nodding toward the woman who had spoken up. "And her husband Russell, our county district attorney."

* * *

After what seemed like an endless string of introductions and small talk, Meredith still felt as though she couldn't possibly begin to keep track of them all. She'd managed to smile and nod her way through dinner and make her way back to the living room, dodging the personal questions and giving cursory answers to the others, feeling more out of place with each relative she was introduced to, although she couldn't quite put her finger on why.

It certainly wasn't that they weren't being considerate or that someone had been in any way unkind to her since her introduction – in fact, it seemed as though they were practically tripping over themselves to make Meredith feel welcome. The loud, bustling atmosphere that echoed throughout the house even reminded Meredith a bit of the Shepherd household, in a strange, slightly less comfortable way. She was almost certain she was only feeling this way because it was all so new to her, because for once, this wasn't someone else's family. No, the large, seemingly happy family that surrounded her was her own flesh and blood, the people her mother had grown up with – and, she supposed, the people her mother had run from and turned her back on.

If she were honest with herself, that was the part that made Meredith the most nervous. What was it that had made her mother leave this part of herself behind? What could have driven her mother to shut off this part of her life so completely that her own daughter hadn't even known these people existed? She knew she needed to learn the answers somehow, because until then, she was walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the fangs to come and her mother's family to reveal some sort of dark side.

"Do you mind if I join you, dear?"

Meredith glanced up to find one of her mother's sisters – Caroline, she thought her name was – standing near the couch Meredith had tucked herself into near the back of the room, away from the hubbub of the family.

"No, I don't think so," Meredith said.

"I'd hoped you and I might have a chance to talk tonight," Caroline said, sitting down next to Meredith. "I know there are quite a lot of us here tonight; I hope it hasn't been too overwhelming for you."

"I'm dealing with it," Meredith said.

"Of course you are," Caroline nodded. "I also know some of my nieces can get a little snappy when they think they're defending the family or something like that, so I hope you haven't experienced any of that, either."

"No, no, everyone's been very nice," Meredith assured her, pausing and hesitating for a moment before continuing. "Actually, it probably would have made things a lot simpler if you all hadn't turned out to be so nice."

"It would have made what easier?" Caroline asked in confusion.

"Understanding my mother's actions," Meredith said. "We weren't really that close when she was alive, but I still feel as though I need to understand who she was. A big piece of that is you guys – and why she left her family. Everything would have been so easy if you had all turned out to be mean, awful people. But you're not – you're a nice, caring family, and I just can't figure out why she would have left and shut you all out so completely."

Caroline sighed sadly and shook her head, gently laying a hand on Meredith's forearm. "Your mother had her reasons, Meredith, and no one here could ever really blame her for what she did," she said quietly. "Look, you're right that we aren't awful people, but as a family, we went through an awful time, and instead of it bringing us together, we allowed our grief to pull a piece of us away for good."

"I'm afraid I'm not following," Meredith admitted apologetically.

"I don't suppose you could, could you?" Catherine asked, slowly raising herself up off the couch and turning to extend a hand to Meredith. "I think that you'd better come with me."

Glancing around, Meredith spotted Derek on the opposite side of the room, engaged in a spirited discussion with one of her cousins – she knew they'd been introduced probably only half an hour earlier, but his name completely escaped Meredith at the time. Knowing that he probably wouldn't notice her absence right away, and would certainly understand when he did, Meredith nodded and slipped her hand into her aunt's.

* * *

"This one has always been one of my favorites," Caroline commented, pausing in front of a framed photograph on the wall of the tiny sitting room near the back of the house, where she'd taken Meredith after leaving the living room.

Meredith smiled as she looked up at a photograph very similar to the one she'd found in her mother's box of mementos a few weeks earlier. Ellis smiled broadly from her spot in the driver's seat of a shiny new Corvette, the same sandy-haired teenage boy grinning at the camera from the passenger seat.

"She had one sort of similar to it that she kept at home," Meredith said.

"That doesn't surprise me," Caroline said. "That car was her pride and joy – her baby, if you will. She scrimped and saved and worked her butt off for three summers straight to save up the money to buy it. And she wouldn't let anyone else anywhere near the steering wheel – which, of course, is what drove Joey completely nuts."

"Who's Joey?" Meredith asked in confusion.

"Ellie really didn't talk about _anyone_ from our family, did she?" Caroline asked in surprise. "I'd have thought she'd have at least told you about Joey."

"No, I'm afraid not," Meredith said, pausing as a thought occurred to her. "Although, she always told my father that my middle name had a special significance, but she never told anyone what it was."

"What's your middle name?" Caroline asked curiously.

"Joanna," Meredith said.

"Oh, that's definitely for Joey," Caroline nodded, taking a seat on the couch near the window and motioning for Meredith to join her. "I suppose if you don't know anything, there's no place to start quite like the beginning."

"Exactly how far back is the beginning?" Meredith asked, settling in on the couch as she watched Caroline remove a massive photo album from under the coffee table in front of them.

"1949," Caroline said.

"The year my mother was born," Meredith said knowingly.

"Exactly," Caroline nodded. "Now, you have to understand that back then, the culture was entirely different. Things were a little bit modern after the war, but essentially, people were still very traditional – men wanted sons, and women were willing to do what it took to make their husbands happy."

"That's ridiculous," Meredith scoffed. "Girls can be just as valuable as boys."

"And now we know that," Caroline said. "But back then, it was still a part of the culture. So when Catherine and Martha were born, only about a year after Dad got back from the Army, they were just so happy to be together and be parents that it all sort of was okay. Suzanne, they were a little disappointed but they figured that they still had plenty of time. When Claire came along, they just starting praying a little bit harder and a little bit longer the next time Mother was pregnant. And in the end, they got me."

"Not what they were praying for," Meredith said.

"No, not exactly," Caroline agreed. "I'm not saying any of us ever felt unloved or unwanted, because that was certainly never the case, but at the same time, it was no secret how much they wanted a son. And they did try again after I was born, but Mother had a rough go of it – four miscarriages in three years. After the fourth one, she saw a specialist. I don't exactly what he told her was wrong, but he warned them that she shouldn't get pregnant again because it could because her body clearly couldn't handle another pregnancy."

"Advice she clearly didn't listen to," Meredith observed.

"Well, you have to remember that we're talking about the 1940s here," Caroline said. "Birth control wasn't quite what it is today – there weren't a lot of options for couples who didn't want to get pregnant. They were quite careful for a long time, but I think as the years wore on and nothing happened, it sort of became less important and they were a little less careful with timing _things_, if you know what I mean. I was ten when Mother started getting sick all of the time – we were all convinced something was horribly wrong, so it was a bit of relief when she realized that she was pregnant. Of course, my sisters and I didn't really know at that point that she'd been told another pregnancy could be deadly, so we never really understood why they weren't more excited – they finally had that last chance to have the son they always wanted."

"In that case, I can only imagine what a disappointment my mother was," Meredith said.

"Oh no, there was no disappointment the day she was born, I promise you that," Caroline said with a wistful smile, flipping open the photo album in her lap and showing Meredith the first page. "She was more than a bit of a surprise, though."

Looking down at the picture, Meredith smiled at the image of an exhausted-looking woman, her hair pulled back away from her face and her eyes glistening with tears as she sat in a bed, propped up by half a dozen pillows, a newborn baby sleeping in her arms.

"I'll never forget the day she was born," Caroline said. "Back then, you didn't go to the hospital to have a baby unless something was wrong, so the midwife came to the house. My sisters and I waited up in Suzanne's bedroom, just sort of sitting on her bed for hours, trying not to hear Mother screaming down the hall. And then it all stopped, and a few minutes later, Dad came to see us. The first thing out of his mouth was that we had a little brother."

"I'm sorry, what?!" Meredith asked in shock and confusion.

"That," Caroline said, smiling softly as she pointed to the picture in the album. "That isn't your mother, Meredith. That's my baby brother, Joseph…Ellie's twin."


	16. Dreams and Destiny

**A/N: **Need a sign that I'm incredibly excited about what I'm writing at this moment? How's this super-speedy update for you? Enjoy!

_

* * *

Joseph...Ellie's twin._

The words echoed in Meredith's brain as she stared at Caroline in utter shock and confusion, trying to process exactly what she'd just been told.

"I'm sorry, what?!" she asked incredulously.

"Your mother was a twin," Caroline said with something of a sad smile. "Joseph Benjamin Roberts, but we always called him Joey, from the day he was born. Your mother, she was about twenty minutes younger, and a complete and total surprise to everyone. No one had even entertained the possibility that Mother would have twins again. It was right as Daddy came in to see us with Joey that the labor started again; we heard Mother screaming from down the hall, and we all thought she must be dying. I swear, my father nearly passed out from the shock of it all when the midwife told him that another baby was coming. She was so tiny when came out – I think she was barely five pounds, if I remember right – they were so worried about her, but she was perfectly healthy, just very small. Daddy always called her his little bonus miracle."

"I can't believe I never knew about him," Meredith said, still in a bit of shock over the revelation. "Were my mother and Joey not that close?"

"Oh, on the contrary," Caroline said. "They were the best of friends, totally inseparable most of the time. They were really like two halves of a whole, the perfect complement to one another. I've never seen anything like it – Catherine and Martha are twins, but they were never anywhere near as close as Joey and Ellie were when they were growing up."

"What were they like?" Meredith asked curiously.

"Joey was always making people laugh," Caroline recalled with a soft smile. "He was just the greatest kid, so outgoing and friendly. Everyone in town adored him. Ellie was a lot quieter than Joey, a bit more reserved, but she kept him grounded. He'd get so full of himself sometimes, thinking that everyone loved him and he could do no wrong, and all Ellie had to do was give him a look and he knew she was telling him to shut up, that he wasn't nearly as fabulous as he thought he was. Like I said, they were the perfect pair."

Caroline paused as she reached out and flipped through the pages of the photo album, eventually stopping on a picture of the same sandy-haired teenager who'd appeared in the two pictures she'd seen of her mother. This time, though, he stood alone in the middle of a football field, dressed in a full team uniform, grinning broadly as he hoisted a large silver trophy.

"That picture made the front page of every newspaper in a hundred mile radius," Caroline said proudly. "Joey was fifteen, but he was one heck of a quarterback. The only sophomore on the varsity team back in 1964, actually, and he led the team to its first state championship win. He was the town hero after that. I'll never forget the day he brought that trophy home, though. He was so pumped up, and your mother just looked over at him from her piano, rolled her eyes and said, 'That's a lovely trophy, Joseph, but I certainly hope you realize that you'll still be shoveling the same snow as everyone else this winter.' And that was all it took to remind him that he might be a hero to the town, but he was still just Joey."

"That sounds exactly like something my mother would have said," Meredith agreed. "I guess she wasn't so different back then."

"Oh, don't get me wrong, they had so much fun together," Caroline said. "They had completely different interests, but they were best friends, always planning their futures and talking about how they were going to get out of this town, do something amazing with their lives."

"Is that my mother?" Meredith asked, catching sight of the photograph on the opposite page, a back view of a slender young woman seated at a piano, intently focused on the piece she was playing.

"It is," Caroline confirmed. "She was so talented, but I'm sure I don't need to tell you that."

Caroline paused as she glanced over at Meredith, her face betraying her own dismay as she watched the confusion cloud Meredith's features.

"You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?" she asked sadly.

"I'm afraid not," Meredith admitted regretfully.

"Your mother and Joey both had very special gifts," Caroline said. "I'm not saying my older sisters and I weren't smart, or that we didn't have talents as well, but growing up, we knew what we were 'supposed' to do – grow up, get married, raise our families in this town. We never questioned it, and no one ever suggested that maybe we could do more. Joey and Ellie, they spent their whole lives questioning it, and with good reason, because they were both meant to do so much more than stay around this town; they knew it wasn't their destiny."

"My mother didn't believe in destiny," Meredith said.

"No, neither did Joey," Caroline recalled. "They both believed that we shape our own futures, that we're responsible for our own actions and the consequences of those actions. No passing the blame, as they used to say."

"That was definitely my mother," Meredith agreed.

"Your mother worked so hard, spent her summers saving her money, spent the school year perfecting her audition pieces…" Caroline began.

"Audition pieces?" Meredith asked in confusion. "Auditions for what?"

"Her music programs," Caroline said, as though it were the most obvious assumption in the world. "Ellie's dream was always to study at Julliard. Your mother was an incredibly talented pianist, Meredith."

"Now we are definitely not talking about the same woman," Meredith said. "My mother didn't…"

Meredith paused, her voice trailing off as her mind suddenly drifted back to an evening she'd long since filed away in the recesses of her memory, not seeing the significance of the event until that very moment…

_It had been another exhausting day at Seattle Grace, and the last thing in the world Meredith had wanted to do was drag herself across town to visit her mother in the nursing home. It had been over a week since her last visit, though, and she knew if she didn't at least put in an appearance, the nurses would soon be calling her to make sure she knew that her mother was the only patient not receiving visitors – regardless of whether that was true or not, Meredith was certain that the guilt trip these nurses could lay out would have rivaled any Jewish mother's._

"_How is she?" she asked the nurse working the front desk as she shrugged off her jacket and quickly signed her name in the visitors' log._

"_The last few days weren't great," the nurse said. "But I'm actually really glad that you chose to come by tonight, Dr. Grey."_

"_Is she having a good day?" Meredith asked hopefully._

"_Yes and no," the nurse said hesitantly._

"_Either she is or she isn't," Meredith said. "It's not that hard of a question."_

"_Well, the bad news is that she seems to have moved back to a place we've not seen her regress to yet," the nurse said._

"_How far back is she now?" Meredith asked._

"_We aren't entirely sure," the nurse said. "We were hoping you might be able to figure it out when you saw her, but it's definitely well before her residency or medical school – possibly even before she started college. She's got no medical knowledge at all."_

"_And what could possibly be good about this?" Meredith asked impatiently, having difficulty imagining what it would be like to interact with an Ellis Grey completely devoid of medical expertise, so long her distinguishing trademark._

"_Well, you see…" the nurse hesitated, as though trying to figure out exactly how to break this sort of good news to Meredith without offending her at the same time. "We've never seen her like this, Dr. Grey. She's still stubborn, but she's not been belligerent, she hasn't yelled a single time all day. She's been…well, she's been almost pleasant today."_

_Meredith shook her head and let out a disbelieving chuckle at that statement._

"_I don't know what you're seeing, but my mother doesn't exactly do pleasant," Meredith said. "You could send her back to infancy, and she'd find a way to make difficult look easy."_

"_Come see for yourself, then," the nurse suggested, leading the way to the community living room, the sounds of a complicated piano concerto drifting down the hall as they approached._

"_Is that…?" Meredith began, shock filling her voice as she came to a sudden stop in the doorway of the room, her gaze locked on her mother seated across the room at the piano, her fingers gliding expertly across the keys._

"_She's been playing all afternoon," the nurse said with a smile. "Singing, too, occasionally, and quite well. You never mentioned to us that your mother had musical talent, Dr. Grey."_

"_I…I didn't know," Meredith admitted. "Could this just be a side effect of the disease?"_

"_Dr. Grey, I think you know as well as anyone that Alzheimer's isn't going to make someone suddenly develop a skill they didn't have before the disease," the nurse pointed out._

"_I suppose not," Meredith agreed with a confused sigh. "I've never seen her play, and I've never heard her sing, either. I honestly have no idea when or where she could have picked it up."_

"_Well, wherever she is right now, it's certainly been a treat for us today," the nurse said as Ellis carefully shifted the sheet music on the instrument in front of her, transitioning effortlessly from her concerto into a slow hymn._

"She could sing, too," Meredith recalled sadly, shaking her head and bringing herself back to the conversation she was having with her aunt.

"So you did hear her," Caroline said, relief evident in her voice.

"Only once," Meredith said. "And she didn't intend for me to hear her, I'm sure of that."

"Then she did give it up after all," Caroline said sadly. "That's a real shame."

"How so?" Meredith asked.

"Because she loved playing and she loved to sing," Caroline said. "And she was incredibly talented, too. She was always talking about the career she was going to have, playing in famous orchestras, performing at the Met in New York City…I just have a hard time imagining that she would have given all that up."

"Was she really good enough for all of that?" Meredith asked.

"Oh, without a doubt," Caroline assured her. "And I'm not just saying that, either. She played for a few scouts from Julliard when she was just a freshman in high school, and they pretty much told her if they could have, they would have given her a full scholarship right then and there. She could have done so much in the music world…I just can't believe that she threw all of that talent away."

"Well, it isn't as though she did nothing with her life," Meredith said, feeling a bit defensive of her mother's legacy.

"Of course not," Caroline nodded. "I didn't mean to imply that she hadn't – I'm sure whatever she did, she was quite successful at it. I suppose it's just difficult for me to imagine Ellie doing anything else. From the time they were little, she and Joey always had such specific dreams for their futures – she'd get her scholarship to Julliard and become a world-renowned pianist; he'd get himself a football scholarship and then go on to medical school."

"Medical school?" Meredith repeated in surprise.

"Joey wanted to be a surgeon," Caroline explained. "He was so sure that was the perfect field for him; he insisted that one day, he'd be the best in the country."

"Oh God," Meredith sighed, the realization of what must have happened hitting her like a ton of bricks.

"What?" Caroline asked in concern.

"Joey's dead, isn't he?" Meredith asked. "He died young, right? Before college?"

"He was sixteen," Caroline said. "How did you know that?"

"He was the reason," Meredith said incredulously. "Wow…"

"He was the reason for what?" Caroline asked in confusion.

"My mother was a surgeon," Meredith said.

"Good Lord," Caroline sighed, suddenly understanding what Meredith was saying. "She tried to live Joey's dreams."

"Well, she did a pretty good job," Meredith said.

"How's that?" Caroline asked.

"She was the best in her generation," Meredith said, a bit of pride creeping into her voice. "This one journal published an article on her right after she died; they called her 'the single most influential female in the surgical field in the twentieth century.' She was a phenomenal surgeon."

"So she fulfilled Joey's promise," Caroline said. "I never would have pictured it – I mean, Ellie was smart, and she got good grades, but she was never academic, not enough for me to imagine her getting through medical school."

"I guess something changed her," Meredith said.

"Turn the page," Caroline instructed reluctantly, nodding toward the album now resting in Meredith's lap.

With a confused glance at her aunt, Meredith obliged and flipped the page over, looking down to find the next two pages covered in yellowed newspaper clippings, the headlines jumping out at her instantly.

_Fatal Collision Kills One On Trader's Pass…_

_Local Football Star Killed In Late Night Crash; Sister Identified As Driver…_

_Police Clear Driver In Deadly Trader's Pass Collision…_

"Oh my God," Meredith gasped, the gravity of the information these articles contained shaking her to the core as she looked over at her aunt in horror. "My mother was driving?"


	17. I Was

**A/N: **Thank you all for being so patient as I wrote and rewrote and then rewrote again and again this chapter...I couldn't seem to get it quite right! I think I've got it as close as I'm going to get it, though, and I hope you all enjoy it!

* * *

"No, this doesn't make any sense at all," Meredith said, shaking her head as she abruptly closed the photo album and set it on the coffee table in front of her. "My mother was too careful, too responsible – she was an annoyingly careful driver. I just can't believe she would ever have done that."

"It was an accident," Caroline pointed out.

"It still doesn't seem right," Meredith insisted. "It doesn't fit my mother. I'm sorry, I know you were there, I'm sure you know it did happen…but it just doesn't seem possible, not knowing my mother the way I knew her…which I guess is turning out not to be all that well, actually."

"Ellis always was a very carefully driver," Caroline assured her. "She took it very seriously. And she was even more careful than ever with that car of hers; that thing was her baby, her absolute pride and joy. She worked herself to the bone to earn the money for that thing, and no one else touched that car but Ellis."

"Why did she crash?" Meredith asked. "There had to have been a reason."

"She took Joey and Claire out one night in April," Caroline said. "It was Claire's birthday, but the big celebration wasn't until the weekend. They were just going to drive around, probably take a few curves a little too fast, typical new car stuff."

"Isn't Claire a lot older than my mother?" Meredith asked in confusion, wondering if she were once again mixing up the family tree.

"Twelve years," Caroline nodded. "She's a year older than I am, but she married late, and I married very young. When we were growing up, I guess small towns like ours were a few years behind the rest of the country…girls still lived at home until they got married, so Claire was at home with Ellie and Joey. She had…well, _problems_, that kept her from keeping a boyfriend for very long."

"Problems?" Meredith asked, hoping for a bit of a clarification.

"With alcohol," Caroline said, her voice lowering to a whisper, as though she were afraid someone would overhear her confession. "It's not exactly a secret, but we just don't talk much about it now, you know? It's only a surprise no one noticed it sooner, but she was quite good at covering it up – and she always had help."

"What sort of help?" Meredith asked.

"Your mother would lie for her, make up stories about where she'd been, things like that," Caroline said. "She'd make the coffee extra strong to help Claire focus if she knew she'd been out the night before; she hid mints all over the house to help her cover her breath. Claire never had to answer for anything, not really."

"No offense, because it's interesting that my mother would do that," Meredith said. "But what does that have to do with the crash?"

"I'm getting there, I promise," Caroline assured her. "I'll never forget the scene when we first arrived at the hospital after the crash. Joey was in the back with the doctors; Claire was pretty beat up herself, with a broken arm and cuts all over her body; and Ellie was off in the corner, not a scratch on her, just sitting there and praying."

"My mother was praying?" Meredith asked skeptically. "My mother didn't believe in anything."

"Back then, she did," Caroline said. "I think that night was what killed it for her, though. When Joey died, something inside of Ellie died too. That was the last time I ever saw her pray, or pick up a Bible…she wouldn't even go to Joey's funeral at the church. She came to the burial, but she wouldn't set foot inside the church. I don't know if she truly stopped believing or if she was just so angry with God that she couldn't acknowledge her faith anymore…and to be honest, I'm not sure which would be worse."

"I don't think she believed at all," Meredith said.

"Maybe so," Caroline nodded sadly. "Maybe so. That night broke her, it broke all of us in different ways. I don't think I'll ever forget the sound of my mother's scream when the doctor told us that Joey was gone. As hard as it was for all of us to lose our baby brother, I can't even imagine what it must have felt like for her, losing her only son…I think she cried for a full week after that night."

"Is that why my mother chose to leave?" Meredith asked. "Did she leave right after the crash?"

"No, she didn't," Caroline said. "That was April; your mother didn't leave until June, about two months later. And I don't know what you've heard, but Ellie didn't exactly _choose_ to leave."

"What do you mean?" Meredith asked in confusion.

"After the dust settled, after we buried Joey and we all had a chance to look around at the family, to survey the damage," Caroline said. "That's when things got really bad. Mother would never have said anything to Ellie's face, but she told me, she told my sisters, it was just so hard for her – she couldn't look at Ellis without thinking of Joey, partly because of the way Ellis looked so much like him, and partly because of the crash. I don't know if Ellie ever overheard one of those conversations or not, but she wasn't stupid; she knew what was going on with Mother, she knew why they suddenly weren't speaking at all. And Dad…he was so afraid Mother was going to break, he'd have done anything she asked just to make her happy."

"What exactly did she ask?" Meredith asked.

"She thought we all needed a little bit of space," Caroline said. "Some time to think about everything that had happened, to really be able to get used to the idea of Joey being gone…we all knew it was an accident, that it was never intentional and that Ellie felt as badly about it as anyone, but I think in a way Mother was right – we all looked at Ellie, and as much as we tried not to, it was all so fresh, and Joey was all that we saw."

"So she just kicked her out?" Meredith asked incredulously.

"Of course not," Caroline shook her head and sighed. "Mother was heartbroken and angry and devastated, but she did still love Ellie, even if she didn't know how to deal with her conflicting emotions. No, she would never have just put Ellie on the street; she sent her back to Chicago."

"Back?" Meredith asked.

"We were all born in Chicago," Caroline explained. "We only moved here, to this town, when Ellis was about six years old. And my mother's sister still lived in Chicago, so that was where Mother arranged for her to stay."

"With Aunt Sarah," Meredith said knowingly.

"Yes, Aunt Sarah," Caroline said, nodding in confusion. "How did you know that? Did you ever meet her?"

"Mom and I used to go visit her every six weeks or so," Meredith said. "Her home in New Hampshire wasn't too far of a drive from where Mom and I lived in Boston. I remember her being a very nice woman."

"She was an absolute angel," Caroline agreed. "Never could have kids of her own, so she spoiled us rotten, especially after her husband died. When Mother asked if she would take Ellie for the summer, it was hardly even a question…we all knew she'd say yes."

"Just for the summer," Meredith repeated in confusion.

"That's what we thought, anyway," Caroline said. "Mother said just for the summer, just to give us all some breathing room…I think we had ourselves convinced that it would be good for all of us, Ellie included."

"I highly doubt my mother saw it that way," Meredith said.

"No, she thought that she was being punished," Caroline said. "In a way, I suppose she was, although I don't think that was ever truly Mother's intention. I just think Ellie knew better than any of us what was going on, and she knew she wasn't going just for a summer, probably even before Mother knew that. And it made her angry and hurt – angry that we didn't see it too, hurt that we wouldn't stand up to Mother or at least offer a place a little closer to home for Ellie to go."

"Could you have done that?" Meredith asked.

"I wish I could say no," Caroline said sadly. "But the truth is, yes, any of us could easily have done that – we all had our own homes, not a ton of space, but enough. We didn't want to admit it, but we were feeling the same way Mother was, on some level, anyway – we thought it would be good for all of us."

"Except my mother," Meredith said defensively.

"I swear, if we had known that it was going to be for more than a summer, we would never have let her get on that bus," Caroline insisted. "There are so many things I wish I had done different back then; I think we all wish we'd done things differently. I'm not making excuses here, Meredith, we screwed up. We were all trying to deal with our grief, and we didn't look close enough to see what was right under our noses…we didn't ask the right questions, we didn't look beyond what was easy to believe."

"And my mother got the short of the stick," Meredith said.

"Yes, she did," Caroline agreed. "She knew, too. We all went down to the bus station to say goodbye, and we were all telling her how lucky she was, going back to the big city for a few months – she just shook her head and told us we were all naïve and gullible if we actually thought Mother was going to let her come home in September. She knew, even then, even when I think Mother still thought she'd be ready to have her come back in September. She wouldn't even look at Mother and Dad when she got on the bus – she was just livid, absolutely livid about the whole thing."

"And that was the last time you saw her?" Meredith asked.

"Yes," Caroline nodded. "We called a few times, but she would never take the call. Aunt Sarah kept us up to date a bit, but it was always just the vaguest details – she wasn't afraid to let us know she thought we were all being ridiculously immature and that we should never have sent Ellie to Chicago. So she was fiercely protective of her. The only time she let that down was when she called to tell us that Ellie was married, and having a baby…I think she hoped that we'd have all moved past what happened and maybe we could rebuild a relationship."

"But you hadn't?" Meredith asked.

"I think we had," Caroline said. "But by that point…well, I'm sure you know your mother could hold a grudge, and we'd burned our bridges a long time ago. It didn't stop us from wishing…all five of us, we even took a trip to Seattle to try to find her a few years after we heard she was living there. We didn't even know her last name, all we had was an address that turned out to be an empty house. The neighbors said the family that lived there had moved a few years earlier and it had been vacant ever since."

"We moved to Boston," Meredith said. "After my parents got divorced, my mother got custody and took a job in Boston."

"It was a long shot, we knew that," Caroline said. "But we had to try…we didn't try hard enough when she should have, though. We never even looked beyond the surface."

"What were you supposed to see?" Meredith asked curiously. "It all seems pretty straightforward to me. Crappy, but straightforward."

"We didn't ask questions after the accident," Caroline said. "We didn't even think about it…we just assumed that everything was the way it always was, and no one corrected us."

"What are you talking about?" Meredith asked.

"Ellis never let anyone else drive her baby," Caroline said. "We didn't even have to ask when we got to the hospital, even the police didn't ask – everyone thought that they knew…"

"What exactly are you trying to say?" Meredith asked hesitantly.

"If we'd asked, I don't think she would have told us," Caroline said. "She was always protecting her, always shielding her a bit…but we should have asked. Maybe if we'd know…if we'd had the whole story…"

"My mother wasn't driving that night, was she?" Meredith asked, feeling a few tears burning in her eyes as she stared at her aunt.

"No, she wasn't," Caroline admitted.

"Who was?" Meredith asked cautiously.

"I was."

Meredith and Caroline both spun around at the sound of the shaky female voice coming from the doorway.

"Claire," Caroline sighed sadly, shaking her head as the other woman's shoulders shook slightly with the silent tears streaming down her face.


	18. No One Asked

Meredith leaned back against the couch, staring numbly across the room at the chair where Claire was now seated, anxiously waiting for some sort of response to her revelation.

"I don't…" Meredith began, pausing as her words didn't seem to quite match the unexpected emotion and sense of defensiveness that she was feeling. "How…how could you just let everyone believe that?"

"Ellie never said she was driving," Caroline said. "That's just what we all assumed, because she'd never let anyone else drive that car."

"She'd said it was my birthday present," Claire said, tears brimming in her eyes at the memory. "She didn't know I'd been drinking, and I didn't…I guess I didn't think I'd had that much."

"But when people started saying she was driving, you could have said something," Meredith pointed out. "Why didn't you say anything? Correct people?"

"I remember Ellie pulling me out of the car," Claire recalled. "I remember sitting my this one tree while she ran for help…to this day, I don't remember how we got to the hospital, or how we even got help out to the crash…and I don't remember anything about that night at the hospital."

"She couldn't even speak," Caroline said. "It was like we were talking to her and she wasn't hearing anything, she was practically catatonic. The doctors told us she was in a state of shock."

"It wasn't until the next afternoon that I heard Daddy calling Aunt Sarah and I realized that everyone thought your mother had been driving," Claire said.

"And then?" Meredith asked. "Why didn't you speak up then?"

"Did you ever try to change your mother's mind?" Claire asked. "Ever try to get her to agree to something she'd already made up her mind not to do?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Meredith asked.

"By the time I realized what was going on, you mother had long since decided what she was going to do," Claire recalled…

"_El?" Claire said softly, knocking on the door as she pushed it open and slowly stepped into her sister's room to find her curled up on her bed, her arms wrapped around her chest as she stared at the photograph beside her bed._

"_Not now, Claire," Ellis said numbly, not looking up at her sister._

"_Ellie, I heard Dad talking today," Claire said, ignoring her sister as she shut the door behind her and nervously took a seat on the edge of the bed. "El, they think you were driving last night."_

"_I know that," Ellis said. "Sheriff Lipowski made a comment about it last night."_

"_Why didn't you say something?" Claire asked. "Dad's on his way to the church, but as soon as he gets back, I'll talk to him…"_

"_No, you won't," Ellis interrupted decisively._

"_Ellis, you weren't driving," Claire said._

"_But you were drinking," Ellis said. "Everyone noticed it last night, Claire…when we were at the hospital, everyone knew you'd been drinking. You had no business being behind the wheel of that car and you know damn well that the only thing that would happen if you told everyone now is that you'd end up in prison."_

"_I hadn't had that much," Claire insisted tearfully. "Ellie, you have to believe me, I never meant for this to happen. God, if I could go back…"_

"_You can't," Ellis said. "Look, everyone knows I'm a good driver. This will blow over for me, it will. It'll take time; it'll be especially hard with Mother, I'm sure. But if I had been driving, this wouldn't have been my fault."_

"_If you'd been driving, this never would have happened," Claire pointed out._

"_You don't know that," Ellis said. "If you tell people now, you'll be vilified, Claire. You'll never be able to set foot in this town again, even if you do manage to avoid prison. And what would you do then? You'd never survive, Claire."_

"_It isn't fair, Ellis," Claire said. "God, you shouldn't have to deal with all of this, not any of it."_

"_What the hell is fair about any of this?" Ellis asked angrily. "And where do you think God fits in, Claire? The part where you can't stop screwing up? The part where I have to cover for you? The part where my brother is dead? Tell me, please, Claire…tell me what's fair about this; tell me what God has to do with any of that!"_

"_Ellie, I know none of it is fair, but I'm going to tell Mother the…" Claire began._

"_No, you're not," Ellis interrupted. "She would never forgive you, Claire, and she's already lost one child this week."_

"_And what makes you think she'll forgive you?" Claire asked skeptically._

"_Because she knows I would never do anything to put Joey in danger," Ellis said, taking a deep breath to hold back her tears as she looked at her sister. "She's angry now, but at the world, not at me – I'm just an easy target for a few weeks. Mother will come around, I know she will. Don't make this harder than it has to be, Claire. Don't give her one more thing to mourn…promise me you won't say anything?"_

"_I don't know, El…" Claire said hesitantly._

"_It's easier this way, Claire," Meredith insisted._

"_Alright," Claire sighed reluctantly, standing up slowly and turning to leave. "I promise."_

"_Claire?" Ellis said, causing her sister to pause halfway to the door and turn expectantly back toward her. "You do know you have a problem, right?"_

"_I don't…" Claire began._

"_Don't you dare even finish that sentence," Ellis said angrily. "Claire, I'm keeping this quiet because having you carted off to prison or giving everyone a reason to hate you won't help anyone in this family right now. But you have to know that I can't cover for you anymore."_

"_I don't need…" Claire started to defend herself._

"_I don't get how you don't see it," Ellis interrupted. "Think about what happened last night, Claire, just think about it! Whether you want to admit it or not, you've got a problem with alcohol. I don't know what you do about that, but you've got to do something, because next time, you'll be on your own and I won't be standing behind you."_

"Did you?" Meredith asked.

"Did I what?" Claire asked in confusion.

"Do something about it," Meredith clarified.

"I did," Claire nodded. "Right after your mother left, I found a prayer group at a church about an hour's drive away and I started going there every week…we didn't have any AA meetings around here at that point, but when they did come here, I started there too."

"Good," Meredith said. "But Caroline, how did you know my mother wasn't driving? Did you know all along?"

"No, heaven's no," Caroline shook her head. "I never would have let her keep that a secret, not in a million years. Your mother thought she was protecting us from more pain, but I don't think at sixteen she had any concept of the sorts of pain that would come from that decision, for her and for us."

"So when did you find out?" Meredith asked.

"What was it, Claire, 1975?" Caroline asked questioningly.

"1973," Claire corrected. "I couldn't do it anymore. I promised your mother, but I couldn't keep my secret any longer."

"Why?" Meredith asked. "You kept it long enough for my mother to be banished? Why tell it then, when it was too late?"

"I didn't know it was too late," Claire said, her voice strained as she fought back her tears. "No one ever thought it was too late until today, when we found out that she…that Ellis was…that she'd passed away."

"But why then?" Meredith repeated.

"It just felt like I couldn't live that lie any longer," Claire said. "I wish I could give you some big, compelling reason – something that was different, something that really drove me to it, but there wasn't one. It was just time…I couldn't lie anymore, not even by omission. And I do wish I'd done it sooner, even knowing how hard it was…I wish I'd done it right from the start."

"Hard for who?" Meredith asked.

"It was difficult for all of us to hear," Caroline said. "Our parents took it especially hard, though, I think."

"Mother was furious," Claire agreed. "Absolutely livid, really. Not that I blame her…"

"Claire," Caroline interrupted gently, as though they were about to have a conversation they'd had dozens of times over the years.

"I know you think she shouldn't have reacted the way she did, Carrie," Claire said. "But she was right – she lost two children that night, and maybe she could have forgiven me for one, but not both…not Ellie, too, not when I was supposed to be the responsible one. She was our baby sister, Carrie, I was supposed to be the one protecting her, not the other way around."

* * *

"So they just let their mother send Ellis away?" Derek asked, glancing over at Meredith as he drove them back to their hotel later that evening, listening to her relate the revelations of the evening to him.

"Yeah," Meredith nodded.

"Wow," Derek muttered. "I figured your mother had secrets, but this…I can't believe the Ellis Grey I met is the same woman who gave up her life to protect her sister."

"I don't know what to believe anymore," Meredith sighed. "It's like my mother had this whole life that I never got to see. And now I find out she's got this family, and they're great…they all seem wonderful, except that they turned their backs on her…"

"Do you want to leave?" Derek asked gently. "You know we don't have to stay if you don't want to spend any more time with them."

"I told Catherine we'd come over for lunch tomorrow," Meredith said. "I think she was a little concerned that I was leaving so quickly after talking to Caroline and Claire."

"Well, your uncles all seemed nice," Derek offered.

"They were all nice, Derek," Meredith said. "Even Claire was nice, and she seemed so genuinely sorry and hurt…like she wanted me to forgive her for not telling the truth all those years ago."

"Can you do that?" Derek asked.

"It's not my place to forgive her or not forgive her," Meredith said. "It's not something I should have to do…it's my mother's forgiveness she wants, and I can't give that to her."

"Maybe she doesn't need forgiveness," Derek suggested. "Maybe she just wants to know you, because if you're a good person, if you turned out alright, then maybe it's a sign that she didn't destroy your mother's life completely."

"But she did," Meredith said. "If she hadn't been drinking…"

"If your mother hadn't insisted on covering for her," Derek pointed out as he carefully steered the car into the parking lot. "If your grandmother hadn't reacted so poorly…if your grandfather had stood up to your grandmother…there are too many 'ifs' for it to be one person's fault, Meredith."

"Why are you on their side?" Meredith asked in frustration.

"Meredith, I am _always_ on your side," Derek assured her. "I just…this is your family, Meredith, whether you see that or not. Yeah, they've made mistakes, but what I saw tonight – that's a family that's been waiting a lifetime for a chance to heal itself. That's a family that loved your mother, even if they screwed up with her in a way that she found unforgivable. And I just don't want you to miss out on that family without at least asking enough questions to know everything that happened. Do you even know if they ever tried to get in touch with your mother?"

"Well, there was that one time when her father came to Seattle," Meredith said.

"But what about other times?" Derek asked. "They got that address from Sarah, right? Your mother changed names twice after she left home – do you really think they could have found her on their own? Did you ask if they looked?"

"No, I guess I didn't," Meredith admitted. "But Derek, you know my luck with families…there's never a shoebox full of unopened letters, not in my life."

"Just ask the questions, Mer," Derek suggested gently. "Trust me, you're better with families than you think."


	19. A Chance

**A/N: **Thank you all for your patience while i worked on this chapter! My apologies to those who thought I might have abandoned this story - please know that even if it takes much longer than you (or I) might like, if I start it, I will finish it (yes, even 'Last Thing She Said', for those of you who read that one before it went on hiatus). I appreciate that so many of you have been waiting for this update, and I hope it doesn't disappoint!

* * *

"It's confusing, that's all. I just don't know what to think anymore," Meredith said in exasperation, leaning back in the chair near the window of her hotel room, pressing the phone to her ear as she stared out the window at the snow falling gently on the garden below.

"Have you tried not thinking so much?" Kathleen asked on the end of the line.

"Smart-ass comments are not appreciated," Meredith said.

"No, I'm being serious, Mer," Kathleen protested. "You're driving yourself crazy trying to learn the answer to every little question. Your mind is going a mile a minute trying to make all the puzzle pieces fit together, trying to rationalize and understand and make everything logical."

"Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?" Meredith asked. "The whole point of this trip was so that I could understand who my mother was, where she came from, what made her who she was."

"But you're not doing that, Meredith," Kathleen pointed out. "You're not going to understand who your mother was by analyzing every little fact, because people are not tidy little puzzles. You've got to stop thinking and start listening and feeling. These people are your mother's family, they knew her before anyone else. You're so focused on why she left, you're losing sight of the more important question – who she was before she left."

"Why is that the most important thing?" Meredith asked in confusion.

"Because the core of who we are is set when we're children, Meredith," Kathleen said. "Over the years, we refine our personalities, our character evolves and changes a bit, but who we are at our most intimate levels, way down deep – that's not going to change, and it's going to influence everything we do, even if it isn't always obvious."

"Okay, I called to vent, not for a therapy session," Meredith pointed out.

"Oh, trust me, if this were a session, you'd be getting a lot more of an earful from me," Kathleen laughed. "Mer, I know you're confused and scared of what else you might find, and I wish I could make it better for you, but I can't. What I can tell you – and forgive me as I draw on professional experience here – is that you're never going to be able to rationalize what happened when your mother left her family. Those circumstances don't lend themselves to rational thought or action, not at the time of the event and not even months later – and that's on anyone's part, your mother's, your grandparents', your aunts'. You can't rationalize irrational and emotional responses."

"So what now? I'm just supposed to forgive them for what they did?" Meredith asked.

"Do you need to forgive them?" Kathleen asked. "Did they really do anything that you _can_ forgive them for? You can't forgive on behalf of your mother, and I don't really think they've known you long enough to have done anything to require your forgiveness. So maybe you should stop trying to find reasons to forgive – or to not forgive – and just accept that this happened in the past and move forward."

"Next time I want to vent, I'm calling Abby," Meredith groaned.

"I'm right, though, aren't I?" Kathleen asked knowingly.

"I don't know yet," Meredith sighed. "I don't know if I want to move forward with these people, Kath."

"I can't tell you what to do here, Meredith," Kathleen said. "I wish I could, but this one you've sort of got to figure out on your own."

"You're no help," Meredith sighed, pausing as she was interrupted by a sudden knock at the door. "Hey Kath, I have to go, someone's at the door…it's probably Derek, he must have left his key when he went for breakfast."

"Take care, Meredith," Kathleen said. "Think about what I said."

"I can't," Meredith said. "You told me not to think."

"Smart ass," Kathleen muttered.

"Bye, Kath," Meredith laughed.

"Bye, sweetie," Kathleen said.

Tucking the phone into her pocket, Meredith reached out and opened the door without looking, ready to launch into teasing her husband for forgetting his key. Instead, she found herself face to face with two sandy-haired women, both looking about as nervous and uncomfortable as she had felt the night before.

"Can I help you?" Meredith asked.

"You're Meredith, right?" one of the women asked.

"Yeah," Meredith nodded slowly.

"You may not remember me," the other woman said. "We met yesterday, at the diner?"

"Right, the waitress," Meredith nodded. "Gretchen, right?"

"Right," the woman said. "And this is my cousin, Julie."

"Hi," Meredith said hesitantly. "I don't want to seem rude, but what are you doing here?"

"Well, we couldn't make it to dinner last night," Julie said. "And it just figures that the one time we can't, we miss something big. So we wanted to come by, introduce ourselves…"

"I'm sorry…dinner?" Meredith asked in confusion.

"At my mother's," Julie said. "Catherine Harrington?"

"You're Catherine's daughter," Meredith said slowly, the realization finally dawning on her as she turned to Gretchen. "You too?"

"My mother is Suzanne, actually," Gretchen said. "Which I guess makes us all cousins, then."

"Alright," Meredith said, still a little unsure as to why they were standing at her door that morning.

"We thought maybe we could talk a little," Julie said. "I know, you're probably sick of hearing stories, but in a family this large, there are a lot of them to tell."

"Aunt Catherine said you spent quite a bit of time with Aunt Claire and Aunt Caroline last night," Gretchen said. "So I'm guessing they told you all about why your mother left town."

"They did," Meredith agreed.

"And knowing the two of them, that's all they told you," Julie said. "Right?"

"Is there more?" Meredith asked.

"Can we come in?" Gretchen asked.

"Why not?" Meredith sighed, pulling open the door a bit further. "So, is there more that I'm supposed to know?"

"I know what it must look like to you, but they're not bad people, Meredith," Gretchen said. "You have no idea how much this has eaten at this family over the years. I'm not trying to excuse Grandma, but can any of us really say how we would react to something as horrific as losing your child?"

"Why didn't anyone go after her?" Meredith asked. "Your mothers, they weren't children, they were grown women with families of their own. When your grandmother turned her back on my mother, why didn't someone go after her? Why didn't anyone bring her home?"

"They thought she was coming home, no one it would be permanent," Julie said. "I remember that first Christmas, when she was supposed to be coming home, Mom was so happy, so excited talking about how good it was going to be to have her home…and when she didn't come, when Grandma changed her mind and had her stay in Chicago, it was devastating. Aunt Ellie used to call every week after she left to talk to Mom. After that Christmas, she stopped calling, and she wouldn't take Mom's calls anymore. You have no idea how much that broke my mother."

"And it isn't as though they never saw her again," Gretchen added. "She had the chance to come home, she had the chance to move forward and put this all in the past, but…"

"My mother wasn't the type to forgive," Meredith interrupted. "To her, moving forward meant forgetting the past and everyone in it, not rebuilding relationships. She didn't do true conflict very well. And what do you mean, it wasn't as though they never saw her again?"

"I've seen you before, actually," Julie said. "Aunt Sarah's funeral?"

"You were there?" Meredith asked in surprise.

"I went," Julie nodded. "Aunt Suzie went too, and Aunt Martha. Mother wanted too, but she was…well, she was going through chemo at the time, so she just wasn't up to it. Aunt Claire stayed with her, and I went in their place."

"I don't remember you," Meredith said. "I don't remember any of you being there."

"You and your mother sat up front," Julie said. "She looked so different…her hair was shorter, her skin was a little paler, but mostly she just looked tired and sad."

"It was a funeral," Meredith pointed out. "You're not supposed to look happy."

"No, I suppose not," Julie agreed.

"Why don't I remember seeing you there?" Meredith asked. "There weren't that many people there."

"We stayed in the back during the service," Julie said. "Suzie and Martha weren't sure how welcome we'd be – to be honest, we weren't all that close to Aunt Sarah in her later years, especially after she moved to New Hampshire."

"Why?" Meredith asked. "What happened?"

"She told Grandpa where your mother was," Gretchen said. "We never heard exactly what happened, but his visit with her didn't exactly go well, and your mother must have given Aunt Sarah a real earful about talking about her, because she wouldn't say anything after that. Mom and the rest of the family fought with her constantly about that – they were desperate, to be perfectly frank about it. They just ate up every little detail they could learn, and it was like someone had stopped the well."

"When she and Granny fought about it, that was when we the relationship was really going south," Julie said. "Gran and Aunt Sarah _never_ fought. They disagreed, sure, but I'd never heard them fight before that. Gran didn't even come with us to the funeral because she didn't think she'd be welcome."

"I'm not sure my mother would have thought you or your aunts were particularly welcome either," Meredith pointed out.

"Oh, she certainly didn't," Julie agreed with a regretful smile…

_Julie shivered slightly, pulling her wool coat a bit tighter around her torso as she stood between her two aunts, watching mourners slowly make their way away from the gravesite, until only Ellis and a young girl of maybe ten or eleven remained._

_Looking up, Ellis' gaze came to rest on the three women standing off in the shadows. Shaking her head, Ellis turned her back to them, leaning over to speak directly to the child. With a small nod, the little girl obediently turned away from her mother and followed the narrow path away from the gravesite and toward the parking lot. Turning back to face them, Ellis took a final look at the now-filled grave and slowly made her way over until she was standing directly in front of the trio of women._

"_I didn't think you'd come," Ellis commented, her voice striking Julie as almost eerily devoid of emotion when she spoke._

"_She was our family too," Martha said. "We all wanted to be here."_

"_Of course," Ellis nodded, a certain hardness in her voice. "Because family clearly has always been so important to you."_

"_Ellie, please," Martha said. "It's been twenty years. Can't we put what happened behind us? We never intended for you to leave forever, you have to know that."_

"_I don't have to know any of that," Ellis countered. "How dare you just waltz in here and act as though you suddenly care, as though you're suddenly just overwhelmed with a sense of familial obligation toward me."_

"_Ellie…" Suzie said cautiously._

"_Don't," Ellis interrupted. "I don't want to hear your excuses, I don't want to hear how sorry you are or how much you missed me. I don't want to hear any of it, because I don't care anymore. I have more important things to focus on than any of you."_

"_Then don't do it for us," Martha said. "That little girl, that was your daughter, wasn't it?"_

"_You leave her out of this," Ellis said, her voice betraying the first hints of emotion anyone had detected in her thus far._

"_What about her?" Martha continued. "Don't you think she deserves to know her family? Even if you don't want us around, don't you think she deserves to know her grandparents? Her cousins?"_

"_She has all the family she needs already," Ellis insisted. "She doesn't need people who can't be relied on, people who are weak and who'll turn their back on her when things get tough. She's had more than enough of that in her life, and I'll be damned if any of you get close enough to hurt her like you did with me."_

"_Ellis, if you'd just come see the family for a few days…" Suzie pleaded._

"_That will never happen," Ellis interrupted. "The day I got on that bus, I told Catherine that that would be the last time I set foot in that town, and I may not have meant it as a promise then, but that's what it became. There is nothing that you could say that would make me want to return to that place and relive everything that happened there, Suzanne, and if that's the real reason the three of you came out here, then I'm afraid you've just wasted a trip."_

_Having spoken her mind, Ellis turned on her heel, carefully making her way across the neatly manicured lawn, away from her sisters and back toward the parking lot._

"She didn't want anything to do with us," Julie recalled sadly.

"That sounds like my mother," Meredith agreed. "Like I said, she didn't believe in forgiveness. Overlooking a flaw or transgression in someone else only showed weakness in yourself, she said."

"That is quite possibly the saddest thing I've ever heard," Gretchen marveled. "Was she like that in every part of her life? I mean, cold like that?"

"She had her moments," Meredith said. "And she had her reasons, too, and not all of them having to do with your family."

"Can I ask you a question?" Julie asked hesitantly, waiting until Meredith nodded before continuing. "Why are you here?"

"I'm sorry?" Meredith asked in confusion.

"Jules…" Gretchen began.

"No, no, don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're here," Julie said. "I am, really. It's just, I don't understand what you're doing here. You seem like you're not really sure you want to know us, so I'm just not sure what you came for. I'm not trying to make you feel unwelcome, I just…I guess I'm just wondering what to expect here, because I know my mother and my aunts, and I know that they're going to get attached – hell, I'd be surprised if they aren't already – so if you're not going to at least give them a chance…"

"I think what Julie is trying to say," Gretchen interrupted. "Is that we understand that you're probably a bit rattled by what you're learning about your mother and the family, and we understand that you probably don't feel all that sympathetic toward them right now. But you have to understand, they're our family – yours too, if you want them to be, but that's for you to decide. And in the meantime, we just want you to at least give them a chance."

"Don't judge them…don't judge _us_…based on one bad decision," Julie said. "Trust me, they've done nothing but regret it for years, and if there were some sort of punishment you wanted them to suffer, they've already suffered it. I'm not saying you have to forgive us, but at least give them a chance. Give us a chance to be your family."


	20. Couldn't Hurt

"Are you sure you don't want me to go in with you?" Derek asked, putting the car in park in front of Catherine's house early that afternoon.

"I'm sure," Meredith said, offering up a half-hearted smile that she hoped reassured him a bit more than it did her. "I just think I need a little time to feel this whole family thing out on my own."

"Alright, well, I'm just a phone call away if you need me," Derek said.

"I know," Meredith nodded. "But Derek?"

"Yes?" he asked.

"Promise me that you'll go back to the B&B, go out to eat, do something other than drive around the corner and sit there all afternoon waiting for me to call, okay?" Meredith asked.

"I wasn't…" Derek began.

"Yes you were," Meredith interrupted knowingly. "Now, promise me?"

"Fine, I promise," Derek agreed reluctantly. "I'll be back at four if I don't hear from you…but you will call if there's a problem?"

"I promise," Meredith assured her, leaning across the center console and kissing him softly before turning and exiting the car.

"Well, here goes nothing," she muttered to herself as she pulled her coat just a little tighter and made her way up the front walk, feeling Derek's eyes on her the whole time. Taking a deep breath, she rang the doorbell and stepped back to wait.

"Meredith, you came," Catherine said with a smile as she pulled open the front door. "I wasn't sure you would."

"Yeah, I wasn't all that sure either," Meredith admitted.

"Well, I'm glad that you did," Catherine said. "Why don't you come on in?"

"Thanks," Meredith said, stepping into the house.

"Is Derek going to come in as well?" Catherine asked, glancing behind Meredith to the front of the house where Derek's car was still parked.

"I thought maybe I ought to come alone today," Meredith said. "He'll sit there for a while, then he'll probably go park a few blocks away so he's close when I call him to pick me up, even though I told him not to. He's sort of stubborn like that when it comes to me. Since he drives, I've just had to get used to it."

"You don't drive?" Catherine asked curiously, shutting the door behind Meredith.

"I can't," Meredith said. "I was in an accident a few years ago and it's one of the things I'll probably never be cleared to do. I just don't have the muscle control anymore."

"Oh," Catherine nodded. "It must have been quite an accident. Do you mind if I ask what happened?"

"I was in a plane crash," Meredith said. "I was lucky, really. They're still not entirely certain how I managed to even survive, so I guess not being able to drive is a small price to pay – I almost missed so much more."

"My goodness," Catherine said. "Well, I'm certainly glad that you're alright now. Was your mother still alive at that point?"

"No, it was about eight months after she passed away," Meredith said. "That was a, uh, well a very rough year."

"So it seems," Catherine said. "I…well, while we're talking about your mother…I have a question, if you don't mind."

"Of course not," Meredith said, following Catherine down the hall and into the living room, where they both took a seat on opposite ends of the couch.

"You mentioned yesterday that she'd been sick for quite some time before she passed on," Catherine said. "Exactly how long are we talking about? A few months? A year?"

"About five and a half years," Meredith said.

"Five and a half…oh my," Catherine sighed. "I guess I just always thought that if she knew the end was coming…"

"Oh," Meredith said, nodding as the realization occurred to her. "You thought she would have contacted you if she knew that she were going to die."

"It sounds awfully selfish, doesn't it?" Catherine said sheepishly. "I just, I thought maybe she'd have wanted us there – but if she knew she was sick for that long, then I guess I thought wrong."

"She didn't want anyone there," Meredith said. "For almost all of those five and a half years, I was the only person who even knew that she was sick. She didn't…well, maybe you know how stubborn my mother could be?"

"Oh yes, I know," Catherine said.

"Well, my mother was stubborn and extremely proud," Meredith said. "She didn't want anyone to see her the way she ended up. Plus, at the point when she could have contacted you, there was no reason to think her death would be imminent. The heart disease developed rather late – if it hadn't, she'd probably still be around today."

"When you say she was sick, isn't the heart disease what you're talking about?" Catherine asked in confusion.

"No," Meredith said, shaking her head with a sad sigh. "My mother had early onset Alzheimer's disease. She never wanted anyone to see her like that, so it shouldn't be surprising that she wouldn't have reached out. After her diagnosis, she basically cut everyone out of her life except me."

"But she was so young," Catherine said. "Alzheimer's isn't supposed to…"

"Early onset," Meredith pointed out. "She was young, but it does happen. It could be genetic, it could be environmental, they just don't know enough about it to say why it would have happened at her age."

"There's no family history," Catherine said. "No one in our family has ever had Alzheimer's. My mother, she's in her 90s and her memory is still sharp as a tack."

"Sometimes it just happens," Meredith said. "It isn't always genetic. But she was a very proud woman, and she never wanted anyone to see her that way – I would have been shocked if she had reached out to anyone. No offense, of course."

"Of course," Catherine said with a sad sigh. "I guess we all missed our chances somewhere along the way. Daddy always did say regret was just another part of life we all had to learn to deal with."

Meredith smiled and shook her head as she stifled a quick laugh. "Sorry," she muttered. "It's totally inappropriate, I know, but you just reminded me of something my sister Molly says – life's too short to regret the cookies you didn't eat."

"I like that," Catherine agreed with a smile. "How many siblings do you have?"

"Two sisters," Meredith said. "Well, half-sisters, anyway – my father's daughters with his second wife."

"Right," Catherine nodded. "I remember you mentioning something about your parents getting a divorce. Were you and your sisters close growing up?"

"Not exactly," Meredith said. "My mother and I moved to Boston after the divorce, but my father stayed in Seattle. I didn't see him again for twenty-five years. Until about three years ago, I thought I was an only child."

"My goodness," Catherine sighed. "I can't even imagine what a shock that must have been for you."

"It's a little bit soap opera-ish, I think," Meredith said. "Molly was actually a patient in the hospital I work at, and that's how we met. A few months later, my other sister started working at that same hospital, and that's how I met her – she sort of corralled me in the ER to introduce herself."

"Is she a doctor as well?" Catherine asked.

"Yes," Meredith said. "She and I, we're actually both third year residents right now, specializing in neurosurgery. Derek is a neurosurgeon as well."

"So you married your boss?" Catherine asked.

"Well, yes," Meredith admitted. "Trust me, with my mother's reputation, it wasn't as though anyone ever thought I needed my relationship with Derek to further my career."

"I don't think I understand," Catherine said in confusion. "What does Ellis have to do with your career?"

"My mother was a surgical legend," Meredith said. "I'm not exaggerating when I say that there probably isn't a medical student in this country that doesn't study at least one of her procedures. If I were going to have used anything to get ahead in my career, it would have been being Ellis Grey's daughter, not marrying my boss. Besides, we haven't even been married all that long."

"When did you get married?" Catherine asked.

"Just over two months ago," Meredith said.

"Well, good heavens, you're still newlyweds," Catherine said with a smile. "You're barely back from the honeymoon at this point."

"Oh, we haven't taken our honeymoon yet," Meredith said. "We wanted to go to Paris because I've never been, but Derek insists it's much nicer in the spring, so we're waiting."

"I'm sure it will be lovely," Catherine said. "I've never been, but my sisters and I helped our parents go about fifteen years ago, for their sixtieth wedding anniversary. They had an absolutely wonderful time – you'll have to ask them about it this evening."

"I thought your parents were in Oregon," Meredith said suspiciously.

"Oh, did I not tell you right away?" Catherine asked hesitantly. "They were in Oregon – my niece just had a baby, so they wanted to meet their latest great-grandchild. Martha called them last night, though, and the moment they heard you were here, they made plans to come back right away. I think Chely is picking them up at the airport as we speak."

"They shouldn't have done that," Meredith said, shaking her head. "I didn't want to cause any commotion, and I certainly didn't meant to change anyone's plans. They were supposed to spend time with the baby and…"

"Meredith, don't get me wrong, every baby is special, but after a while, they do start to blend together," Catherine said. "My parents have seen seventeen grandchildren. Baby Juliana is great-grandchild number fifty-eight, and that's not to even mention the three great-great-children. This is Whitney's third child, they've seen her with a baby before. What they haven't seen is their eighteenth grandchild – you. I know you're unsure about all of this, and I can't really blame you for that, but they so much want to just meet you, see you, have the chance to at least talk with you."

"I don't know," Meredith said hesitantly.

"They want to do dinner at their house tonight," Catherine said. "Just my sisters and I and you and Derek. I know you don't know where this is going, or if you want to be part of this family. But Meredith, as healthy as my parents are, I'd be a fool not to acknowledge that Daddy is ninety-six years old, and Mother's not much younger at ninety-two. They aren't going to be around forever while you make up your mind. It would mean so much to them if you came, even if – maybe especially if – you never come back."

"I guess one more dinner couldn't hurt," Meredith agreed reluctantly as Catherine smiled in relief.


	21. Expectations

**A/N: **I know, I know...it's been ages! I'll bet many of you thought I'd abandoned this story completely. I have had to cut back my writing time, and have been focusing on finishing one story at a time, slowly working my way through all my in-progress stories. Now it's time to tackle "Chasing A Ghost". I anticipate there are 4-5 chapters, including this one, left in this story. I know, that seems awfully short, and there are things many of you want to happen in this story that just won't. Some of them will be better suited to my planned sequel (yes, another one!) to this story. I hope that all of you who were following this story haven't disappeared while I was on my little hiatus. I have so appreciated the reviews and messages that came in while I was "off"...please don't forget to leave a review and let me know what you think!

* * *

Meredith stared nervously out the car window, her breath fogging the glass as she watched the snow covered scenery move slowly past.

"I can't believe I'm doing this," she said quietly. "Why am I doing this?"

"Because you want to know your family," Derek said. "You want to know where you came from."

"I don't come from these people, Derek."

"No, but Ellis did," Derek reminded her. "And you came from Ellis, so indirectly at least, you do come from these people."

"What if I hate them?" Meredith asked. "What if my grandmother is a really old version of my mother? What if she hates me?"

"Then she's a damn fool, and we say to hell with it and we leave," Derek shrugged as he guided the car around the final corner and down the long gravel road toward the old ranch house Meredith's grandparents lived in.

"So I shouldn't be nervous?"

"You can be nervous," Derek said. "Just don't be scared."

"Oh good, so glad you mentioned that, because I was planning on being both."

"No need for the sarcasm, Cristina's not here."

"Ha ha," Meredith shook her head, biting back a laugh. "You think you're so funny, Derek Shepherd."

"My mother thinks I am," Derek said smugly. "She thinks I'm absolutely perfect."

"Your mother thinks you're an over-moussed fool who can't tell his left hand from his right hand," Meredith said. "She told me. She likes me better than you."

"See? Everyone likes you," Derek pointed out, turning to face her as he cut the engine in front of her aunt's house. "And your grandparents will too, I'm sure. Now, should we go inside? It's about five degrees outside right now."

"Wimp," Meredith muttered, pushing open the passenger side door while Derek hurried around to help her out. "Honestly, you'd think you'd grown up in the tropics instead of New York."

"We never had anything like this in New York," Derek pointed out. "It does _not_ get this cold on the East coast, Meredith. It's like it gets in your bones and never gets out."

"I don't know, I kind of like it," Meredith shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe I've got a bit of Montana in me after all."

* * *

Meredith sat on the edge of the couch cushion, her hands resting nervously in her lap as she tried to figure out how to start a conversation with the woman across from her. She wasn't quite sure where her aunts had gone, but one by one they'd come up with some sort of excuse to leave the room, until eventually it was just Meredith, Derek and her grandparents left in the room.

Virginia Roberts was everything Meredith had always suspected Ellis' mother would be. She was an elegant, beautiful woman, even in her advanced age. Her silver hair was pulled back, not a strand out of place. Every inch of her was polished, refined and controlled. When they'd first been introduced, Meredith had been nearly speechless – it was as though she were shaking the hand of the woman she'd pictured Ellis becoming had she had the chance to grow old.

Her grandfather, on the other hand, was a different story entirely. She wasn't quite sure what she'd expected from Ellis' father, but whatever it was, Benjamin Roberts was certainly not it. He was rougher around the edges than his wife, his physical strength faded by nearly a century of living, but there was still a vibrancy about him. Meredith could just as easily picture a younger version of him crouched on the floor with his young children or grandchildren as she could picture him working the land. She had a harder time imagining him as she knew he had been – standing behind a pulpit, praying for his town. Something about him didn't seem to fit with her image of a small town preacher, but she supposed she wasn't really one to judge, having been to church only a few times in her life.

"You have a lovely home, Mrs. Roberts," Derek said awkwardly, feeling the need to break the silence somehow.

"Thank you, Derek," Virginia replied. "But please, I must ask you to call me Virginia. It isn't as though we're complete strangers here."

"Of course."

And with Derek's polite nod, the silence returned again despite his effort to start some sort of conversation. Both women clearly had things they wanted – perhaps even needed – to say, but neither seemed willing to make the first move. If things continued in this way, Derek had a strong suspicion that it was going to be a _very_ long evening.

"Hey Daddy, do you think you come give me a hand with these potatoes?" Catherine asked, sticking her head into the living room. "I never can get your recipe quite right."

"I don't even know why you try, Cath," Benjamin said with a shake of his head, grabbing his cane and very slowly getting to his feet. "I've only been showing you for the last fifty years."

"I'm a slow learner, get over it," Catherine laughed. "Derek, do you think you could come give us a hand? Daddy can't lift a lot of the pots and pans these days. Old age, you understand."

"I'm right here, you know," Benjamin protested. "I may be older than dirt, but my hearing works just fine, Catherine."

Derek looked questioningly at Meredith, who hesitated for just a moment before offering a small nod, granting Derek permission to leave her alone with her grandmother.

"Well," Virginia commented as Derek following Benjamin and Catherine down the hall to the kitchen. "That certainly wasn't subtle, was it?"

"No, I suppose it wasn't," Meredith agreed.

"I feel as though there's so much I want to say to you, but I don't even know where to start," Virginia said.

"Seems to be a common theme this week. I guess I caught you all a little off guard."

"It was a surprise when Catherine called to tell us you were here, yes," Virginia said. "But perhaps not for the reasons you think."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I was surprised because I'd almost given up on the idea that you'd come at all," Virginia admitted. "After your mother died, I thought you'd be coming much sooner."

"After my mother…wait, you knew? How?"

"Hold on," Virginia carefully eased her fragile body off the seat and slowly walked to the desk under the window. Opening the top drawer, she pulled out a well-worn envelope and returned to the couch, handing it to Meredith before taking her seat again.

"What's this?" Meredith asked, flipping the envelope over, her breath hitching in confusion when she saw the Boston postmark and the address written in her mother's familiar handwriting.

"It arrived a little under four years ago," Virginia explained. "Go on, you can read it if you'd like."

"Oh, I don't…"

"It's really alright," Virginia assured her. "I think you should read it. You might find it enlightening."

Meredith nodded and carefully removed the sheet of paper from the envelope, her hands shaking as she unfolded it and began to read.

_Mother,_

_Please do not mistake my intentions in writing you this letter. This is not an attempt to initiate a reconciliation or rekindle relations. I have moved forward with my life, and have no need or desire to resurrect relationships I have long since buried in the past._

_With that out of the way, you may be wondering why I've bothered to contact you at all. It's a longer story than I have the energy to write at this moment, but the fact of the matter is, Mother, that I'm dying. Not today, probably not even this year, but it will be soon. This may seem harsh, but I know I don't have time to mince words here._

_When I am gone, it will fall to my daughter to handle my affairs, and in doing so, I suspect she will come across records that will lead her to you. It will come as a shock to her when she discovers you and your family, as I have, of course, never mentioned you to her. She will need time to adjust to the idea, but once she has done, I strongly suspect that she will contact you. In fact, if I know my Meredith as I think I do, she's more likely to simply show up on your doorstep than to call or write first. I don't want you to turn her away out of surprise when she does arrive, which is why I am writing you this letter._

_As you will see when you meet her, Meredith is an extraordinary woman – she's had to be. Nothing has been handed to her, nothing has been easy for her. She may very well be angry when you meet her. Don't let that throw you, Mother, it's a sign that she cares. Trust me, the indifference when she doesn't is much worse. The anger will pass, it always does. You just have to wait her out. She is smart, full of passion and talent that I've yet to see her harness. Perhaps by the time you meet her, she will have done that._

_She has a good heart and she cares, perhaps to a fault. She is constantly looking for validation from others, despite my efforts to teach her that she can only count on herself. When she comes to you, I can't ask you to love her – that is not a decision I can make for you. All I can ask is that you be kind. Don't reject her out of hand, don't judge her based on my actions or our relationship. Give her a chance based on her own merits. I think you'll find she would fit in quite well with your family, at least as I knew them before my departure._

_I have left instructions with my attorney to contact you once I am gone. I wouldn't think it would be more than a few months, six or eight at the most, after that before you hear from Meredith._

_I trust that this letter will find you well, but if that is not the case, please pass this information on to Catherine._

_Sincerely,_

_Ellis_

"Wow," Meredith muttered as she folded the letter back up and handed it back to her grandmother. "I, uh, don't quite know what to say to that."

"Ellie seems to have loved you very much. I do wish I could have seen her with you," Virginia said. "There's something special about seeing your daughters become mothers. I'll never forget the first time I saw each of my girls with their babies. I wish I could have had that with my Ellie, too."

"You could have," Meredith said. "As I understand it, you're the one who sent her away. Whatever you missed, that's on you."

"Believe me, dear, I've had years to come to terms with that fact," Virginia said. "There are things in my life that I don't expect to be forgiven for, and that would top the list."

"So you're not going to ask me to forgive you?"

"No," Virginia shook her head slowly. "I understand the you aren't your mother. It's not fair to ask you to forgive me in her stead. The only one left for me to seek forgiveness from is God, and that's a conversation I have with Him every night."

"Then why rush back here?" Meredith asked. "Why go to all the trouble to fly back here today, just to see me?"

"I think your mother was right about a lot of things in that letter," Virginia said. "But where it counted, she was wrong about one very important thing."

"What's that?"

"She thought I had a decision to make, whether or not to love you," Virginia said. "What Ellie forgot is that love isn't usually a choice. I flew back because you're the child of my child. I may have been terrible at showing it when it mattered most, but I loved your mother with all my heart. There's no decision to be made, Meredith, you're her daughter, which means I love you just as much as any of my grandchildren. I want to know you, I want you to have the chance to know my husband and I. That's why we came back today."


	22. Still My Daughter

**A/N:** I apologize that this chapter is a little short, but the conversation between Meredith and her grandmother is _long_ and this seemed the best way to split it up. I hope you enjoy it! Not a lot of reviews on the last chapter, so I hope that some of my former readers are trickling back in now!

* * *

"Don't worry, I don't expect you to have a response to that," Virginia assured a stunned Meredith. "I'm not great with emotions; I think it's a genetic thing, none of the women in this family seem to be terribly open about these things. I just want you to know, whatever you're looking for here – a family, answers, whatever it is – I want to help you find that."

"Until a few years ago, I hated my mother," Meredith said. "Even when she was sick, I resented her. I was angry that she didn't love me the way normal mothers love their daughters."

"And now?"

"Now I just want to know why," Meredith admitted. "That's why I came here – I want to understand why my mother couldn't love me that way, why she couldn't let herself get close to people, even me. And I thought if I met her family, maybe I'd start to understand that better."

"Has it helped?" Virginia asked.

"Some," Meredith said. "May I ask you what might be a difficult question?"

"Please do."

"Why did you send my mother away?"

"I thought my daughters had covered that story," Virginia said.

"They did," Meredith said. "But it doesn't make sense to me why you never let her come home, so I thought maybe you could explain it again."

"I never let…oh, yes, I suppose that's the impression that would come from my daughters' knowledge of the situation," Virginia said.

"Is there another story?"

"I wouldn't call it another story entirely," Virginia said. "More an expansion of their story."

"I'd like to hear it, if you don't mind telling it," Meredith said.

"It's…well, I suppose if I'm going to tell anyone, it should be you," Virginia said hesitantly. "It's just…alright, what I'm going to tell you I've never told anyone."

"Not even your husband?" Meredith asked, surprised that she would have kept a secret from him regarding their children, especially given the intimacy and trust even she could see from just a few hours in their home.

"_Especially_ not my husband," Virginia shook her head vehemently. "Lord forgive me, there should be no secrets between a woman and her husband – but heaven have mercy, it would have killed him if he'd known the truth."

"Which is what, exactly?"

"I thought I was doing the right thing when she left," Virginia said. "I know it may sound harsh now, but every time I looked at her, I kept expecting Joey to walk in at any second – and yes, I took my grief out on her in a way that was anything but fair. But I truly thought when she boarded that bus that a few months and a little space was all we needed. I had every intention of welcoming her home at the end of the summer."

"So what changed your mind?"

"In the end, it wasn't my decision to make," Virginia said. "Ellis had no intention of returning home…or anywhere else, for that matter…at the end of that summer."

"What happened?" Meredith asked hesitantly, a sudden sick feeling in her stomach causing her to be apprehensive of whatever it was her grandmother had to say.

"About two weeks before Ellis was supposed to come home, I got a call from my sister," Virginia said. "There are a few moments in my life that I'll never be able to forget. The night my son died was one. That night was another…"

_Benjamin frowned as he hovered in the doorway of the kitchen, watching as his wife sat at the kitchen table, staring aimlessly at the glass of whiskey sitting between her hands._

"_Ginny?"_

_Like usual, she didn't bother to look up, just let out a tiny sigh at the sound of his voice, lifting her glass and taking a sip of the dark liquid before setting it down and staring again into space._

"_I have to go into town tonight, Ginny," Ben said, grabbing his coat from the hook by the door. "Melissa Hogan's fallen sick again, her sons asked me to stop by. Claire's over in Great Falls at her prayer group, so I expect she won't be back until much later, but I should be back in an hour or two."_

_Getting no response, Ben slipped his jacket on and nodded silently. With a parting kiss on her forehead that barely elicited a flinch from his wife, he walked out the back door, shutting it quietly behind him._

_As soon as she heard the door click shut, Virginia let out the breath she'd been holding, and with it, the tears she'd been holding back as well. Taking the final sip from her glass, she stood up and walked toward the liquor cabinet, nearly dropping the bottle she'd just picked up when the phone rang unexpectedly._

_Glancing back and forth between the phone on the wall and the bottle in her hands, Virginia sighed and set the bottle back on the shelf, turning and picking up the phone on the fourth ring._

"_Roberts residence."_

"_Long-distance operator, ma'am. Permission to connect to Chicago?"_

_Knowing there was only one person – well, technically now two – who would call her from Chicago, Virginia nodded, remembering only a moment later that the operator couldn't actually see her._

"_Yes, please do, I'll accept the charges," she said, leaning back against the wall, twirling the cord around her finger as she waited for the connection to go through._

"_Ginny?"_

"_Sarah," Virginia said calmly, hoping to steady her voice so her sister wouldn't guess that she'd been drinking again. "This is unexpected. If you're calling about Ellie's return tickets, Ben wasn't going to purchase them until next week."_

"_That's not why I'm calling," Sarah said hesitantly._

"_Oh?"_

"_Ginny, before I say anything else, I want you to know that Ellis is alive and that they think she's going to make a full recovery."_

_At her sister's words, Virginia was instantly up and away from the wall, leaning heavily on the counter as she clung desperately to the phone._

"_What are you talking about, Sarah? What happened to my daughter?"_

"_Greg and I, we had a dinner tonight," Sarah said. "Down at the hospital – you know, one of those stuffy staff functions we have to go to every now and then, I've told you about them."_

"_Sarah, focus. Ellis. What happened?"_

"_We invited her. She's come to a few the last two months, but she didn't want to come this time, so we left her at home. We'd just arrived at the dinner when I started feeling like something was wrong. I tried calling the house, but she didn't pick up."_

"_Oh God."_

"_I called our neighbor to check on her," Sarah continued, her voice shaking. "I just had this feeling that something was wrong."_

"_What…what happened?"_

"_She took something…I don't know what, I haven't been home to check, but she was passed out on the floor when they found her," Sarah said. "I…I had some sleeping pills in my room. I don't know…maybe she found those? I'm sorry, Ginny, I'm so sorry. You sent her here for me to look after her, and then this…"_

"_Where is she now?"_

"_At the hospital," Sarah said. "They had to pump her stomach, and they want to keep her here for a few days to make sure everything's alright. They also want – well, they're going to want her to meet with a psychologist. Probably ongoing for a few months."_

"_Why?"_

"_Ginny, sweetheart…"_

"_Don't patronize me, Sarah, I get it. She tried…she tried to kill herself. And they can have her meet with whoever they want while she's in Chicago. But you've been here. You tell me, where the hell am I supposed to find her a psychologist here in small-town Montana?"_

"_About that…Ginny, please don't take this the wrong way, but Greg and I, we were talking before I called you. Ellie needs help, Gin. More help than you and Ben can get her where you are."_

"_So what exactly do you suggest we do?" Virginia asked._

"_We think it would be best – for Ellie, for everyone – if she stayed here," Sarah said. "She'd be able to get the follow-up care she needs. We have the resources here to help her. And, well, I don't know how to say this without offending you…"_

"_Just say it," Virginia snapped. "You've already just said you think I can't take care of my own daughter. What else could you possible say that would sting at all?"_

"_This has nothing to do with your ability to take care of her, Ginny," Sarah insisted. "I know you love and I know you'd do the best you could, but you've still got Claire at home, and I know you help out with Cathy's kids, and all the responsibilities you've got down at the church…"_

"_Just because I'm busy does not mean I can't take care of my daughter."_

"_I never said you couldn't," Sarah said. "All I'm saying is that Chicago has resources you couldn't get her even if you drove her to Great Falls every day."_

"_What else was it you wanted to say?"_

"_You know I love Benjamin, right? I know he's a good man, and I know he loves Ellie."_

"_Yeah, my husband's a saint, what's your point?" Virginia asked testily._

"_My point is as much as he loves Ellie, he also loves that Bible, Ginny," Sarah said. "He's devoted his whole life to it…to the church, to its teachings. And I think if you think about it, you know what he thinks about…well, about what happened to Ellie tonight."_

"_The unforgivable sin," Virginia whispered quietly._

"_Exactly."_

"_I can't have this discussion with you over the phone," Virginia said. "I'll catch the first bus in the morning; I should be there day after tomorrow."_

"_Ginny, you don't…"_

"_Don't you dare tell me not to come," Virginia interrupted. "She's still my daughter, Sarah. Until I see her with my own eyes, see that she's okay, we're not having any further conversation about her future."_


	23. Welcome Home

**A/N:** So sorry for the delay in posting this! This will be the final chapter of 'Chasing A Ghost'. There will be an epilogue posted in about a week, and then this story will be complete. Thank you all so much for sticking with me through the delays!

* * *

Meredith leaned back in her seat and reached her hands up to run her fingers through her hair as she tried to come up with some sort of appropriate reaction to what she'd just heard. She stopped mid-way through the motion, realizing with a start that that was Derek's nervous tic. When had it become hers as well?

After what seemed like hours, but may have been as short as five minutes, Virginia finally leaned forward a bit, resting her forearms on her lap and studying her granddaughter's body language.

"This must be very difficult for you to hear, Meredith. I know what you must be thinking right now."

Meredith shook her head and let out a short, dry laugh at her grandmother's statement. "No offense, but I highly doubt _that_."

Virginia seemed slightly flustered by Meredith's response but quickly put that aside and continued. "Well, I know this can't be what you expected to hear when you came tonight. I'm sure you're surprised, confused, trying to reconcile this with the mother that you knew. It's…"

"It's not much of a stretch."

"Excuse me?"

"Reconciling what you told me with the mother I knew. It's not much of a stretch to do that. Look, my mother trying to kill herself when she was a teenager? Yeah, it's unexpected, but I'm not surprised and it's not hard to reconcile that with the Ellis that I knew. Honestly, I'm really only wondering about one thing right now, and it's a question you can't answer."

"Oh?"

Meredith sighed and stared for a moment, internally debating just how much of her mother she wanted to share with this woman. "You really want to know?"

"Yes."

"I'm wondering why she couldn't have gone the pill route the second time around – would have saved me a bundle in therapy fees."

"The…the second time?" Meredith felt a twinge of guilt at the way Virginia looked as though someone had smacked her across the face. "That wasn't…I mean, Catherine said you'd told her Ellis had been ill…"

Meredith frowned in confusion before the realization hit her. "Oh, no, no. No, she was sick, she had a heart attack. She didn't kill herself – as it turns out, it seems that taking her own life was one of the few things my mother _wasn't_ very good at."

"I see." Virginia nodded in relief. "So when…?"

"I was seven," Meredith explained. "It only happened once. She went away for a few months and after that, everything basically went back to normal."

"Sarah used to tell me little things about Ellis, but she never mentioned that."

"I don't know if Aunt Sarah even knew," Meredith said. "Mom didn't exactly talk about it with people. By that point, Aunt Sarah was in the nursing home, so she may not have even been called. I'm sure she wondered why we didn't come to see her for those months, but my mother was always so busy, it wouldn't have been hard to make excuses."

"Did you see my sister often when she was in the nursing home?"

Meredith nodded. "Mom would take me once a month or so. They had ice cream."

"What?" Virginia frowned in confusion.

Meredith smiled and laughed. "Sorry, that's just what I think of when I think of visiting Aunt Sarah. Mom didn't let my nanny buy me sweets, but they always had ice cream in the cafeteria at Aunt Sarah's home. That's what I remember most about it, that visiting the home meant Mom would spend an hour or two sitting with Aunt Sarah and I'd get to go have ice cream with a nurse's aide."

"Sarah always told me you were very precocious child," Virginia said. "She liked you."

"She told you about me?"

"Just a little. I think she was afraid to tell us much. I got the impression that she quite the earful from your mother when she found out that Sarah had told us about you and about her marriage. I don't think she wanted to upset her again."

"My mother was a very private person. From what my father told me, she didn't react well when your husband came to visit."

"That visit was very difficult for all of us. My girls had such high hopes that he'd get her to agree to come back, even if just for a visit. They thought that having a family might change her perspective. I guess we all thought that, in some ways."

"I don't ever remember anything changing my mother much," Meredith said. "I think by that point, she was who she was."

Virginia nodded solemnly. "I wish I'd had the chance to see her again," she said. "Until I got her letter, I always thought that I would. It's a strange thing, this life – you're not supposed to outlive even one of your children, let alone the two youngest. I'll always wonder if there was something else I could have done, something I should have done, to help her, or at least to lessen how much she hated me."

Meredith frowned as she stared at the frail older woman across from her, wondering how she'd ended up in the position of comforting a woman who her mother, in all likelihood, had never intended her to feel any sympathy toward.

"I don't think she hated you," Meredith said, wondering even as the words passed her lips if they were a lie.

Virginia looked almost startled by Meredith's statement, but there was a glimmer of hope in her eyes that made Meredith sure she'd said the right thing.

"You really think so?"

"The paperwork she mentioned in her letter, everything that led me to you – she didn't have to leave that. When she first found out that she was sick, she had plenty of time to go through her things before we moved them. There were boxes that went missing, things I know she destroyed before I came home. If she had hated you, I don't think she would have left the clues for me. And she certainly wouldn't have sent that letter – if she hated you, she'd have wanted me to do the same."

"Do you?"

"No," Meredith said slowly, carefully considering her words. "No, I don't hate you. I don't have anything to hate you for, really. Do I wish that things had been different for my mother? Of course I do. But that doesn't mean that I have anything to hate you for. That's between you and my mother, not me."

"Does that mean you'd like to be a part of our family?"

Meredith sighed, a bit taken aback by the question, but knowing it was one she'd have to deal with eventually.

"I don't know," she admitted. "I guess I think it means more that I'm not closing the door. I'm…well, I'm open to the possibility, someday, after some time."

Virginia nodded, trying to hide her disappointment. "I don't imagine it would be fair of us to ask for any more than that."

* * *

"You were awfully quiet during dinner tonight," Derek commented as he slipped into bed beside Meredith later that evening. "Everything alright?"

"I just have a lot on my mind, that's all." Meredith rolled over and turned out the light before turning back to kiss Derek on the cheek. "Nothing to worry about."

"You sure?" Derek sounded skeptical, which irked Meredith a bit.

"Yes, I'm sure."

Meredith lay back against her pillow, shutting her eyes and hoping that would stave off any further conversation on the matter. Derek, however, had other ideas on the matter, rolling to his side and propping himself up on his elbow to watch her face.

"I don't believe you."

Meredith groaned and cracked open one eye. "I don't care if you believe me or not."

"I don't believe that either."

"Drop it, Derek."

"No."

"Why not?"

Derek grinned. "Because I know you're lying, I know something's bothering you, and I want to fix it. And if I can't fix, I want to at least know what it is so I can commiserate with you."

"I'm fine." Meredith's eyes remained closed, but she crossed her arms over her chest in defiance.

"Well, now you're just acting like Lily. That's very mature."

Meredith frowned at the reference to his four year old niece, then as if to prove a point, stuck her tongue out at him.

"C'mon, Mer, just tell me," Derek pleaded. "Annoying husband is one of my less enjoyable roles in life."

"She asked if I wanted to be part of her family."

Derek sighed and nodded. He knew it had to have had something to do with her time with her grandmother.

"Do you?"

"I don't know," Meredith said. "And I told her that, I told her I didn't know. I just feel like everyone expects me to know right away – like there's something wrong if I don't automatically feel this massive connection to these people."

"But you don't," Derek said knowingly.

"No, I don't. I mean, they're nice and all. I don't know…I don't know what's wrong with me."

"There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, Meredith," Derek assured her. "Did she try to pressure you? Did she tell you there was something wrong if you didn't know right away?"

"No," Meredith said, rolling onto her side and facing away from Derek. "She was perfectly polite."

"Well…do you want to know what I think?"

"No." Meredith's voice was muffled by the pillow she'd pressed her face into. She let out a heavy sigh and carefully rolled back over so that she was again facing Derek. "But I know you, and you're going to tell me one way or the other, so we might as well get this other with. So go on, let's hear it."

"I think that you have been beyond amazing this week." Derek smiled softly when Meredith rolled her eyes at his statement. "No, it's true. I can't even begin to put into words how proud I am of how well you've handled everything that's been thrown at you this week – all the people, all the stories, all the secrets – you've been amazing and calm and wonderful, Meredith."

"Suck up."

"Damn right I am." Derek leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips. "But that doesn't mean I'm wrong, either."

"So you think I'm amazing. You're my husband, you have to think that. What's your point?"

"My point is you didn't let me finish," Derek said. "I do think you're amazing, but you know what else I think? I think that enough is enough. I think it's time for you to go home."

"This from the man who's always telling me not to run away from my problems?"

"This isn't running away, it's taking a step back for a little bit. It's getting some space, some perspective – giving yourself a little breathing room. You need time to deal with everything that's happened this week. I just think you can't get the space you need here, with your mother's family waiting for a decision at every turn. It's time to go home for now, Meredith."

"I really hate it when you make sense."

"I know."

"I suppose we can't stay forever, anyhow."

"Richard's very liberal with our time off, but I think eventually even he has a limit," Derek agreed. "And I don't know about you, but I'm sort of fond of our jobs."

"So I guess we're going home then," Meredith said. "Tomorrow?"

"If that's what you want."

"Yeah, I think that's what I want to do…it's what I _need_ to do."

* * *

"Thank God you're back."

Meredith looked from her locker two days later, not at all surprised to see that Cristina Yang was the first person to have tracked her down after her return.

"Miss me much?" Meredith asked with a smirk.

"Barbie found out." Cristina planted herself on the bench behind Meredith with a loud thump. "Now everyone knows."

"Knows about what?"

"Don't play dumb, Meredith."

"Cristina, I'm sorry, I…"

"The baby?" Cristina crossed her arms over her chest and stared at Meredith.

"Oh, right, of course," Meredith stammered, stunned that she could have forgotten that. "Your baby. I'm sorry, I didn't forget, there's just so much going on…"

"Well, I wouldn't want to be one more burden on you," Cristina snapped, standing up and taking a step toward the exit before Meredith grabbed her wrist.

"Cristina, sit down," she insisted. "I didn't mean it that way, and you know it. So…Izzie found out about the baby. What's wrong with that? Everyone was going to find out eventually anyway."

"Yeah, well, I was sort of hoping we could put that part off for a while."

"How long did you think that would be?"

"I don't know. I was thinking maybe until the kid's out of kindergarten."

"Cristina," Meredith sighed. "I know you're worried about being mommy-tracked, but you'll be fine. People do this all the time at your stage of residency."

"It isn't that. It's…well…she bought a tutu, Meredith."

"Who did?"

"Izzie! A fluffy, frilly…_pink_ tutu. Tiny-sized. For the baby. She bought my baby a goddamn tutu, Meredith. A tutu."

Meredith bit her lower lip and shook her head as she attempted to be supportive and hold back her laughter. "Maybe…maybe the baby will want to be a ballerina?"

"Shut up, this isn't funny."

"I'm sorry, it kind of is. It's just a piece of clothing, Cristina, it's not like it's some horrible tragedy. And you didn't honestly expect to have a baby without everyone knowing. You knew this was going to happen."

"Whatever," Cristina muttered, shaking her head. "Anyway, what was it like in Siberia?"

"Montana."

"Same thing. Cold, icy, no one lives there…except your DNA donors, I guess."

"You know, this is so nice," Meredith said with a sarcastic smirk. "Coming back from a long, emotionally exhausting trip, and being able to have this deep heart-to-heart with my person. It's nice."

"Oh, shut up. I'm pregnant, I'm hormonally excused from the necessity of being nice. Do you want to talk about Montana?"

Meredith frowned and pursed her lips for a moment. "No, actually. Not really."

"So what's next in the big ancestry chase?"

"Nothing." Meredith shrugged her lab coat over her shoulders and sat down on the bench next to Cristina.

Cristina raised a skeptical eyebrow as she looked at Meredith.

"No, I'm serious," Meredith insisted. "I thought…I don't know, I thought I needed to understand how my mother became who she was. And now…"

"Now you understand?"

"Not completely," Meredith admitted. "Maybe not even mostly. But it doesn't matter…that's what I learned in Montana. I know so much more about my mother, but it doesn't change anything. She was still a crappy mother, even if she had excuses for it, and I still had a crappy childhood. I kind of know why, but that doesn't change the fact that it happened."

"And you're okay with that?"

"I think I am. I feel sorry for my mother, for all she went through, but it doesn't change _me_."

"You already saw the shrink, didn't you?"

"Yesterday. Is it that obvious?"

"You're way calmer when you've seen that woman," Cristina shrugged. "I like your shrink."

"I can get you an appointment," Meredith offered with a grin.

"Don't push it, bitch."

Meredith smiled and rested her head on Cristina's shoulder, wrapping an arm around her waist. "It's good to be home."

"That is so hugging," Cristina said, squirming out of Meredith's embrace. Meredith laughed and started walking toward the door. "Hey Mer!"

Meredith turned back questioningly to look at Cristina, who was still sitting on the bench in front of the lockers.

"Welcome home."


End file.
